May:A lot has changed since you broke up the first time, LP.
Tessa:Yeah, neither of you is the person you were back in high school.
Lana:But is that enough?
May:The running away makes a lot more sense now.
Lana:Yeah.
Tessa:We love you, and we’re here. Anytime.
Corey:Yes, this. All of this.
May:And remember, you are loved and you deserve love. And we’re proud of you.
Lana:Thank you, guys. I love you back.
—
The next morning,I take care of business first thing. And by that, I mean I order not one but two iced hazelnut lattes and take them back to the condo. Before I call my mother, I extend my stay in San Clemente for another day. Something tells me this conversation is going to increase my need for peaceful beach time.
I dawdle for as long as I can, but I know it’s better to just rip the Band-Aid off and get it over with. So, with a little hesitation and a healthy dose of courage, I pull up my mom’s contact information on my phone and hitCall.
I halfway expect her not to pick up, and almost entirely hope she sends me to voicemail.
But her voice comes over the line after the second ring. “Lana? Is everything okay?”
I promptly burst into tears.
I’m not sure how long I cry, but when my heaving sobs finally die down, I’m surprised to find her still on the line.
“Why don’t you get yourself a tissue and blow your nose and then we’ll talk.” It’s the most motherly advice she’s offered me in years, maybe ever.
And I take it, running to the bathroom for a few minutes to wipe my nose and splash some water on my face.
“You still there?”
“Of course.”
“I’m really angry at you, Mom.” I don’t make a conscious decision to put it out there like that, but I guess it’s not the worst way to start a conversation. It’s honest, if nothing else.
Her sigh trickles through the phone. “That’s fair.”
“I grew up feeling like you didn’t want me. Like you’d rather be halfway around the world than with your own daughter. It’s brought me a lot of problems in my adult life. Evan dumped me because he claimed I have mommy issues, and I’m not sure he was wrong. I’m thirty years old and I still don’t know who I am, Mom.” My voice wavers slightly at the end, but overall, I think Dr. Lawson would be proud.
“Oh, Lana.” There’s a long pause. “I don’t thinksorryis going to cut it in this situation, is it?”
“Are you? Sorry, I mean?” The amount of hope in my chest at this slightest possible admission of wrongdoing is obscene.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. And I’m sorry if you ever felt like I abandoned you or didn’t want to be with you.”
It’s a weak statement and a blanket apology, but it’s already more than I expected to get from her. “Why did you leave me on my own so much?”
She sighs again, like she is the one being put out here. “You’re an adult, Lana, so I’m just going to say this bluntly. Some people are not cut out to be parents, and I was one of them. I never felt like a good mom, I always felt like I was screwing it up, so I figured why not leave you in the hands of people who knew what they were doing.”
“All the nannies?”
“Yes. But then later on, the Carsons. I could tell how happy you were when you were with them, as a family, and so I figured since you had them, you didn’t really need me anymore.” If I didn’t know any better, I might think there was a tinge of resentment in her voice.
