I love him, and he loves me.
We cemented that love for each other last night, and yet, I’m still here in Heart Springs.
Somehow, I haven’t managed to fulfill my tasks yet.
I scoot out of Ben’s bed, needing the bathroom and a minute alone to think. If the bakery isn’t truly my passion, then what else am I supposed to do? I ran through my other job options, and it’s not like I can go back and try being abookseller or wedding planner again. As far as I know, my options were limited, and the bakery has definitely been the best of them.
So it must be the third task, find myself a useful and productive and valued member of the community. I’ve volunteered at events and saved the local bakery. People say hi to me when they see me on the street. I ask genuine questions and converse freely with our customers at the bakery, and yet it still doesn’t seem to be enough.
“Story of my life,” I mutter under my breath.
No matter how far I reach, how much I change myself to try to fit in the mold others have deemed the only acceptable version of me, I can’t seem to get it right. I never found acceptance from my family, despite the thousands of hours and millions of dollars I brought to the law firm. Why would I expect acceptance from total strangers?
There’s a gentle knock on the door. “You okay in there?”
I open it sheepishly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up.”
Ben leans on the doorjamb. He’s put on a pair of flannel pajama pants, but he hasn’t bothered with a shirt. His hair is sleep-rumpled and sticking up in several messy directions. “Don’t apologize. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t freaking out.”
I narrow my eyes because how dare he know my tics so well. “I’m not freaking out about us if that makes you feel any better.”
“Marginally.” He reaches for my hand, and I let him pull me closer. “What’s going on in that beautiful and sometimes self-destructive brain of yours?”
“It is too early for a call out like that. I haven’t even had coffee yet.”
He tilts his head toward the kitchen. “We can fix that.”
A few minutes later, we sit across from each other at the dining table, steaming mugs cupped in both of our hands.
Ben waits for me to speak, which is annoying and also does exactly what he wants it to.
“I sort of expected to wake up back in the real world this morning.” I take a sip of coffee, but it’s still too hot to drink and so I’m forced to keep talking. “And that was scary in a lot of ways, because I can’t imagine not having you in my life anymore when this is all done. But now that I know for sure that it’s not the love thing keeping me here, I can’t help but feel like a total failure.” My voice drops on that final word, the worst word, one that’s haunted me my entire life. I’ve been working since I was a kid to avoid failure, and yet here I am.
Ben reaches across the table for my hand, his thumb delivering soothing strokes over the skin of my palm. “You’re not a failure, sweetheart. We’re going to figure this out. And over the next few days as we get a handle on things, whenever you feel down, I want you to think about how far you’ve come since you’ve been here.”
“I’m still the same terrible person I was before. Only now I know I’m terrible and I mostly don’t want to be terrible, I just don’t know how to stop.”
“You’re not a terrible person, Cam.” He doesn’t elaborate, but he sounds so certain, and Ben is nothing if not trustworthy and reliable. “So what’s your plan for today?” He steers the conversation away from my existential crisis like it’s all been resolved.
Which it definitely hasn’t, but I don’t know what more I can do to fix it today. I pull my hand from his grip, wrapping it around my mug again and sitting back in my chair.“I’m going to the bakery this morning and then meeting with Anna in the afternoon.”
Ben raises his eyebrows just the slightest bit. “Are you going to work with her on her case?”
I shrug, though even the thought of it stirs a little something exciting in my brain. “I don’t know. I need to see what kind of paper trail she might have showing her claim to the store. But I probably won’t do more than this one meeting. The bakery is a full-time job, and I don’t want to commit to something if I can’t follow through.”
Ben nods, but doesn’t say anything further. We finish our coffees to the tune of amiable meaningless chatter and teasing, after which I kiss him and head back to my own house so I can dress for the day.
The bakery is busy once again, and before I even have time to stop and catch my breath, Emma is flipping the sign to “closed” and pointing me in the direction of the toy store.
I push through the front door, waiting for the tinkle of a bell to accompany the movement as it does in every other shop in Heart Springs. Instead, I’m greeted by a loud train whistle, which scares the shit out of me.
The woman at the counter laughs at my jump scare, but it’s not unkind. “Wait until you leave, that one’s even better.”
I try not to grimace, but I’m probably not very successful. “You must be Anna.”
“And you’re Cam. I was at the fundraiser for the bakery; you truly did such a magnificent job. Emma is so lucky to have you.”
I’m not one to usually shy away from praise, but I brush off her words. “It was nothing. Emma deserves it.” I make my way slowly over to the counter, taking in the space. It’shard to move through the store, as the shelves are practically overflowing with toys. Baskets stuffed full of even more goodies line the aisles. It’s cluttered but cozy, and I can see how every kid in town must love coming here.
