Is he for real right now?“You couldn’t get the words out but we both know what you were trying to say. You love me, too, yet you’re willing to give that up for your precious restaurant.” I shake my head in disgust.
He takes a deep breath and squints his eyes like he’s ready to let me have it, but lets the air out slowly before answering in a voice so soft and distant it makes my heart crack. “You’re right. I do love you. That’s exactly why I’m not willing to walk away from my business. Love makes you do illogical things, and giving up the only thing that guarantees my future is illogical.”
Damn. I honestly expected his feelings for me to open his mind about balancing work with life, not slam that door in my face.
Mustering a calm I don’t feel, I take a measured breath. “I’m not asking you to give it up. I’m asking you to find a balance between it and me, to build a future together.” I step to him and pull him against my chest, wrapping my arms around him.
“Don’t you see?” He tenses. “Diverting my attention could jeopardize everything I’ve worked for, and I promised myself I wouldn’t let anything interfere with the plans I made. Especially not love.”
That would feel like a slap in the face if I didn’t understand why he felt that way. I’m not just going to accept it without a fight though. Setting my hands on his hips, I put some space between us, then cup his face so he can see the truth in my gaze.
“I’m not your father, Lennon. Don’t assume I’m going to make his mistakes.”
His eyes are distant when they meet mine. Cloudy. “But I swore I wouldn’t repeat my mother’s, and if that means I have to choose between you and me, I choose me.”
“Why do you have to make a choice? Doesn’t the fact we love each other count for anything?” I brush what might be a tear away from his eye.
“Of course, it does. I’ve never been as tempted to take my focus off the business as I am right now, and that’s only true because of you and how I feel.”
“And how is that?”
His throat bobs as he swallows heavily. “I love you,” he whispers, bowing his head in defeat.
The fact he can’t look me in the eye when he says that erases the last of my composure. I drop my hands from his face with a humorless laugh. “You love me, but that’s not enough for you, is it? Everything has to be on your terms. Your turf. No compromise, no trying to build something together, take your conditions or leave them, right?”
His head nods up and down once, just barely.
“You won’t give up your career for me, but I should give mine up for you. Cool. Glad we got that straightened out. I assume you can find your own way to the airport?” I brush past him and head to the door of the trailer.
“Where are you going?” He whirls around.
“I need some air.”
“Axel, please don’t be angry. Just because it won’t work now doesn’t mean it never can. Maybe when you’re done with competitions you can…”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “I spent enough time watching my mom placate my dad’s selfishness and bad decisions to know you and Iwouldn’t end up differently. We either meet in the middle or we go our separate ways.”
“I’m the opposite of your dad, Axel. I’m doing this because Idon’twant to rely on you to support me.” He shakes his head back and forth as he blinks back tears.
“I never offered to support you, Lennon. I suggested we support each other. You’re not interested in that so… see you around.” I throw open the door and stomp outside, putting as much distance between us as I can.
To think I considered making this my last season just to see more of him.Fuck!I guess he’s right about one thing, love makes you act illogically. That’s one mistake I won’t make again.
Just in case, I wander aimlessly around the pit area for a few hours while people pack up and move out, giving him plenty of time to do the same. By the time I make it back, there’s no trace of him, except for the lace briefs stashed in the bedside drawer. I grab them in my fist, intending to throw them out, but I can’t bring myself to drop them in the trash. Instead, I stuff them back in the drawer. They’ll be a good reminder for why I should never, ever give anyone my heart again.
Chapter twenty-three
Lennon
Ipoke my head out the door to watch the floats make their way down Main Street. Usually, I’d be standing with my friends who set up camp on the sidewalk in front of Dex’s bar another block over, but my heart isn’t in it today.
Aside from the fact that half the group is now made up of couples, they’d all be wearing their best red, white and blue outfits, reveling in the opportunity to dress up for the Fourth of July holiday. Even though he was never here for a costume event, the top hats, light up blazers, and sparkly dresses are close enough to costumes to make my mind drift to Axel, and the way he seemed open to donning something ridiculous whenever the town found a reason to.
I spot Beck’s blond head drifting down the center of the street, surrounded by about a dozen little girls in flag inspired tutus. He’s taught dance at the local studio for years, having grown up taking his mom’s classes as a child, and leads his little minions in a routine for this parade each year. It’s one of the best floats—the little princessesare so preoccupied with grinning and waving they sometimes forget to dance—and I find myself smiling despite my apathy.Guess my heart isn’t all stone.
A few floats later, I see Blake with a group of little kids decked out in their mountain bike gear. Between their pads and helmets, they’re so weighted down with equipment they can hardly wave, but they, too, seem to be enjoying themselves. It’s the first time their little club has had a float, and no one seems to be eating it up more than Blake himself. He randomly lifts kids in his arms and helps them wave at their parents, grinning from ear to ear.
Something about seeing my friends surrounded by little ones has me noticing how many families are around, and while I swear I’m not feeling anything like a biological clock—I don’t think guys have those—I am more aware than ever of the fact that I’d rather be watching this procession in Axel’s arms than from the little alcove leading to Murphy’s front door.
