Page 98 of A Love to Last a Lifetime

‘It’s partly the gambling. But it’s about more than that.’

He looked at me. ‘You’ve never loved me the way I love you, have you?’ He shook his head. ‘I’ve always known it, deep down. I just – I always hoped it would be enough. What we have. Had.’

I didn’t know what to say. He was right. It had been enough, for a long time.

‘Do you want me to leave you alone?’

He nodded. ‘Yes please.’

So I stood and I walked stiffly out of the house we’d shared for so many years. As I went down the path, out of the gate and onto the street away from the house – from our home – I felt a deep sadness tugging at my heart, and my chest felt hollowed out. But beneath that sadness was another feeling, rising up to meet it, to challenge it.

Happiness. Freedom. A lightness I hadn’t felt in a long time.

And, most importantly, a sense of a new beginning.

Because since Adam had kissed me and Greg had lost the car, one thing had become absolutely crystal clear to me.

I didn’t need either of them to make me happy.

I didn’t need anyone except myself.

As I walked, the sky dipped to meet me and the trees bowed as I passed. The pavement might have been a dull grey but it felt as though it should be lighting up with every step, red, yellow, green blue, like walking on an arcade dance game. It was a flip of a coin in the end, only this time, the coin didn’t fall and show me the answer, but continued to spin, revealing all of its faces and all its endless possibilities as it hung there, suspended. And I knew this was the right thing to do.

Because this time, it was only about me.

I didn’t know where I was planning to go but I had a vague idea that I’d go and see whether Sam or Rose were in, spend some time having my broken heart tended to by my best friends. But as I approached town I heard a familiar sound, and I slowed, tuning in my ears to see whether I was right.

My steps became heavier as I got nearer, and I wondered whether I ought to just turn around and walk in the opposite direction. But I kept going, kept moving, determined to see this through.

There he was. Adam. His back was turned slightly to me which meant he hadn’t seen me yet, affording me the opportunity to watch him for a moment, unseen.

I studied the familiar profile of his face, the flex of his bicep as he strummed, the way his leg moved up and down as he perched on his stool, marking out the beats like a human metronome, and I felt the familiar swell of desire. But there was something else beneath it, something that had been sitting like a stone in my belly for weeks now, ever since Adam had come back, that I hadn’t recognised until this moment, hadn’t wanted to recognise.

I tuned in to hear the song Adam was playing. It was ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ by Green Day – and a vague memory floated into my mind as it played. A memory, and a feeling, of sadness, and of hurt. This song had been playing one night just before I’d left for university. I’d been feeling heartbroken and melancholy about leaving Adam behind for weeks, and now the time was nearly here, I was getting cold feet to the point where I was considering not going to university at all, even though I knew my parents would be furious. But how could I leave him? How could I be without him? It would be like trying to live without air.

Adam and I had been in his bed, this song playing in the background. I was snuggled into the crook of his neck as he smoked a roll-up and the smoke kept blowing into my eyes. I waved my hand in front of my face for the hundredth time and tipped my chin up to look at him.

‘I’m going to stay,’ I said.

He looked down at me. ‘Don’t be daft. You’ve got to go.’

I shuffled so I could see him better. ‘But I can’t leave you. I…’ I had been embarrassed suddenly in case he didn’t feel the same. ‘What if you stop loving me?’

‘Now youarebeing ridiculous,’ he said. ‘Why would I do that?’

Because you’ll have women throwing themselves at you every night,I thought.Because you have women all over you now, when I’m here, and you find it hard enough to resist.

Because I’m not sure I can trust you.

Because I worry you’ll hurt me.

Of course I hadn’t said any of those things but I’d felt them, and I felt them again now, standing here in the cold watching Adam play this song. The truth was, however much I’d loved Adam, I’d never been sure he’d loved me as much. The depth of my feelings had felt like drowning to me, but Adam merely seemed to be treading water, his eyes always on the distance, waiting for something or someone better to come along.

These thoughts swirled round my head as I watched Adam now, and the smoke slowly started to clear so that I could see what had been eluding me all this time.

This wasn’t about whether I should be with Greg or Adam. This was about me, and what I wanted.

This was about my future.

As I walked away, Adam started playing a new song, and I couldn’t help but smile. ‘Grounds for Divorce’ by Elbow.

It was a sign that I was making the right choice. And this time, it was for no-one else but me.