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Tobias smiled, though he was not amused. “I find I am perplexingly unconcerned about our societal images.”
His brother appeared dazed. “Then what are you concerned with?”
“My wife’s tears.”
The fact that she left me, the truth that I ache to see her dazzling smile. The very memory of her tear-filled eyes gutted him, made him want to find her and hold her until she wept out every pain and frustration against him and then make love to her for an entire night. God, he missed her.
“And you’ve been holed up writing?” Grayson demanded, his gaze flicking to the pile of paper spread out on the oak desk. “I daresay the rumors hinting of a separation are more important than whatever you’re scribbling.”
At Tobias’s icy glare, Grayson snapped, “I’ve heard of a possible separation directly from Viscountess Wimple, who heard it from her lady’s maid, who heard it from her cousin, who is a footman at your estate!”
Tobias glanced down at the sheets on his desk, wondering what his brother would say if he knew every word Tobias had written was inspired by Olivia. He could do nothing without images of her dominating his mind. At night, he smelled her on the sheets even though she had never been in their town house. He heard her laughter in the hallway and like a madman dashed outside searching for her. Several days ago, his butler had looked at him as if he were afflicted. And maybe he was, because Tobias was damn well craving her, even knowing the danger she presented to his control. But did it truly matter?
“I almost beat a man to death.”
Grayson inhaled sharply. “What? And when did this happen?”
Tobias allowed himself to slouch down in the chair and sprawled his legs wide. “Olivia’s stepbrother attacked her. Instead of coming to me, she sought to defend her own honor. When I realized what was happening, I went to his estate and was almost too late. I lost control, Grayson. For the first time I can remember, I cared not a jot about scandal and its repercussion. I wanted to call him out and put a bullet through his heart. I am just like Father and all the other Blade men before him. Reckless and dangerous. My actions have haunted me, for I had the full intention of ensuring his demise, but the men I had watching him reported of his departure to Scotland.”
There was a pulse of silence.
“But you did not kill him, you stopped.”
“I wanted to. He hurt her,” he said softly.
“Any reasonable man would have lost their temper, Tobias. Hell, if someone attacked the woman I love, I would kill the bastard.”
His gut tightened. Did he love Olivia? Tobias scrubbed a hand over his face. The unrelentin
g ache he had for her inside, was it love, or reckless obsession like his father had possessed for his mother? “It’s dangerous how she makes me feel.”
“Dangerous to whom? To Livvie? You would cut your arms off before you would ever think to hurt her. You forget that you have something that Father and I doubt even grandfather had.”
He considered his brother. “What?”
“Honor,” Grayson said, his regard piercing. “You have honor, Tobias, and I do not speak of this lightly. Father abused his wife, mistrusted her, fought duels with many men because they simply stared at her. He gambled, partook in reckless racing. Your temper may rival his, but never would you act with such wanton disregard for another. I know you could never hurt Livvie, so exactly what are you afraid of?”
Everything. She made him feel lost and as if he belonged in the same breath. “With her…I am different.” With his countess, he felt carefree, not so rigid and infinitely more in tune with his passions. It hit him then like a fist to his gut. What he was most afraid of was losing Olivia. He was afraid of the raw intensity of emotions he felt for her. The lust, the tenderness, the way she made his heart stir. Never had he felt such riotous feelings before. He’d been worried they were precursors to the obsession his father had showed toward his mother and the scandalous tales of the Blade men before him.
“I would never hurt Olivia.”
And what do you think you are doing now? an inner voice taunted. Tobias surged to his feet and stalked to the windows. Hell, he had hurt her. In her eyes, he had seen the devastation when he walked away, and the damn fool that he was, he’d done nothing. Why had he even been surprised she was bold enough to leave him?
“Though I know I would never lift a hand to her…I would crush anyone who hurts her. Does that not make me reckless?”
Grayson stood, walked over to him, and clasped his shoulder. “No, it makes you human. Will you go to her?”
“If the men I have scouring England find her, thrice in a heartbeat.”
“Does this mean you have some affections for your wife?”
The silence throbbed.
“Bloody hell, Tobias, do you love your wife?”
Desperately…
Christ, so desperately he was afraid of the emotions she roused. He missed everything about her—her smile, her kisses, and possibly her reckless nature. He lost his senses from the moment he met her and it seemed he would never reclaim them if he could long for any of her hoydenish ways. But he did. He was caught off guard by the tender emotions filling him. He rubbed the spot on his chest where he swore it physically ached.
