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Chapter Six
I woke up suddenly, gasping for air. Dazed and confused, I searched the dark bedroom for whatever it was that had roused me from deep sleep. Only when I glanced at the spot next to me did I realize what it was. The bed was empty, the sheets pristine where he should’ve been.
A cold hand slid up my spine and a profound sense of loneliness swept through me. He was deserting me a little at a time, shutting down, even though he had me trapped in this fortress with him. Instinctively, I knew that if I sat back and did nothing, he would disappear on me forever. And I’d be damned if I’d let him go without a fight.
I jumped out of bed and padded down the hallway to where a number of the guest bedrooms were located. One by one I found them empty––except for the last. I stood in the open doorway fidgeting nervously, a million dreadful scenarios suddenly running through my mind.
What if he turned me away? What if he didn’t want me anymore? What if he didn’t love me anymore?
The curtains were drawn open. He was on his back with his hands tucked behind his head, his chest bare and the sheet covering his lower body. Moonlight, spilling in, painted him in silver while everything else in the room receded into the darkness. It was as if the moon had eyes only for him. Not a man. An ethereal creature with the moon as a lover. Stoic. Resolute. Alone. Out of reach for the rest of us mere mortals.
“What is it?” His raspy voice jerked me out of my reverie.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
After a beat he said, “Me neither.”
“I’m so sorry about the hawks.” My voice trembled as the last words left my lips. I ached for him, the sweet boy who rescued injured animals and nursed them back to health, the one who loved deeply and completely. What had love ever taught him other than loss and pain? And I was guilty of perpetuating it.
I stood rooted to the spot, waiting for him to make a move, to give me some sign of what he was thinking. When he propped himself up on an elbow and lifted the counterpane, I didn’t waste a second jumping into bed with him. The urge to touch him, to close the literal and figurative distance between us was overwhelming. Pressing myself against his hard body, I burrowed as close as I could possibly get and soaked up his heat. I caressed his cheek and his eyelids became heavy, fluttering. When they blinked open again, what I saw staring back at me broke my heart.
So much sorrow.
“What are you doing in this bedroom?”
“I didn’t want to keep you up. I haven’t been sleeping lately.”
“Keep me up? I can’t sleep without you beside me anymore…we need to talk.”
Grabbing my hand off his cheek, he kissed the palm and held it between us. “Can we do this some other time?”
“No, I’m afraid we can’t. I’m afraid that if another second goes by and we don’t talk about this I may lose you forever.”
Rolling onto his back, eyes fixed on the ceiling, he said, “You’ll never lose me.”
“I feel like I already have.” When he didn’t respond, the fear lodged itself in my throat. “I know you blame me for losing the baby,” My voice disappeared on me as I forced the last word out. “No, don’t––” I pleaded when he tried to interrupt. “You have no idea how sorry I am. I’m so damn sorry. But there was no other way. None that would keep you safe, keep the bank safe.” My voice broke, my panic spinning out of control.
He pushed me down onto my back and hovered, careful to keep his weight on his elbows. His eyes, liquid soft and full of empathy, searched my face. His fingers raked through the short crop of dark hair that was now long enough to fall over my forehead. Touching his lips to mine, he brushed his back and forth.
“I don’t blame you,” he said quietly.
“Then why are you pushing me away?”
Exhaling a sharp breath, he shook his head. “I…” He became agitated, inhaling and exhaling sharply.
“What is it, my love?” I asked, cradling his face between my cupped hands. Another interminable silence.
“I failed you…I failed, again.” His voice was barely above a whisper. He couldn’t bring himself to look at me.
Moving down my body, he placed a kiss between my breasts, over my heart. Then he wrapped his arms around my waist and held on as if he faced an eternity in purgatory and I was his only chance at salvation. I soothed him the only way I could, stroking his head and whispering words of love and encouragement.
“I’ll be damned if I let you take the blame––if it’s anyone’s faults it’s mine. Stop punishing yourself. You’ve done enough of that to last ten lifetimes.”
