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Kara pretended to straighten the pleats of her apron dress. ‘Thank you, thank you very much.’
‘We need to discuss Rurik’s training. It is a way I can help take the burden off you. What skills does he have?’
‘His training doesn’t have to begin right away.’ Kara concentrated on the wool, trying not to think about Ash’s broken arm or the other injuries he had suffered during his training. ‘Allow him time to get used to you. At the graveyard, he said—’
‘His training begins in the morning. You have kept him as a baby for far too long.’
Kara stared at Ash, open mouthed. After turning her son into a quivering jumble of nerves, he wanted her to entrust the same child to him. ‘And you know how to train a young boy?’
‘I was one.’
She knew his father’s methods and what they had done to Ash. The trials Hring had put Ash through made her blood run cold. Like being left alone in the woods at night, being forced to fight with an injured arm and being beaten for failing to win. No son of hers would face that sort of trial. Ever. It would utterly destroy Rurik and his fragile confidence. He wasn’t that strong.
Somehow Ash had to be made to understand why Rurik had to be kept safe, instead of filling his head with nonsense about things he’d teach him and expecting him to excel. Rurik would start to love him and then he’d be let down. Badly.
A little voice warned her that she was doing Ash an injustice. Just because he’d done it to her, he might be different with their son. She silenced it. She wanted to be logical and calm, rather than making decisions based on emotion. Ash training Rurik would be wrong. She knew that in her bones. There was far too much potential for hurt—physically and emotionally—for Rurik.
‘I wouldn’t want to presume on your time. You need to get your men settled before you start thinking about training. We can discuss it when you have time to spare.’
‘When I have time to spare?’ A hurt expression flitted across Ash’s face. He picked up the whorl and tossed it in the air, expertly catching it several times before placing it down again. ‘Was I truly that selfish when we first married? You should have kissed me until I noticed.’
‘You were always busy. Things needed doing. You were preparing for the trip of a lifetime.’ Even seven years later, the excuse still sprang readily to her lips. She ducked her head, hating her lapse.
She had made so many excuses for his behaviour when, in truth, he simply had not cared. She had not been important to him. It had taken her a long time to accept that fact, but eventually she had no choice.
‘Preparation is fine, but it is the sea which decides how your passage is. Neglecting her moods can lead to disaster.’
‘You weren’t to know.’
‘It sounds like you are too ready to excuse my younger self.’ He tilted his head to one side. ‘I was very selfish and spoilt and utterly unfair to you. But know this, Kara—the one good thing I did was to marry you. A man could not ask for a better custodian of this estate and our son in his absence. I want you to continue to look after the estate like you did for my father. I haven’t done much farming for the last few years.’
Kara dipped her head. Custodian. The word slammed into her. Ash didn’t want the responsibility. ‘I want someone who will help run the estate. It is one of the reasons I was marrying Valdar.’
Ash stood silently for a long time, digesting Kara’s words. Each word was another nail in his heart. He’d made many mistakes, but the one good thing he had done was to marry her. His tour around the estate convinced him of that. He had thought she’d be pleased that he wanted her to continue. He could farm. The responsibility of an estate didn’t frighten him. He’d always known that he’d have to.
He’d never understand women. And he knew he couldn’t stay if she didn’t want him. But he refused to tell her that.
‘I will take it under consideration.’ He tilted his head to one side, trying to assess her mood. ‘I can remember being very glad that first night on the ship that you had made it easy for me. There was no need to feel guilty.’
‘And would you have done?’ she whispered. ‘Would you have stayed if I had revealed my fears about being here alone without a friendly face?’
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, fighting against the urge to take her in his arms and kiss the doubts away. With hindsight, he could see that he’d worried about her being left with his father to cope. Not that he should have as she’d obviously coped admirably. She didn’t need him. The realisation hurt. He wanted to be needed.
