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I knew what she wanted, even without the words ever being spoken between us. It was in her eyes each time she looked at me, just as I knew it was reflected in mine. If I didn’t know better, if I believed in such things, I’d say that we’d been made for each other.
She’d become such a huge part of me in such a short time it was hard to imagine a time when she wasn’t here. I should’ve accepted my fate a long time ago. I knew better than most that it’s a fickle thing indeed to fight that shit. But it was my need to be fair to all involved that had tied my hands this long. Hearing her say she was leaving put paid to that shit right quick though.
Helen, like myself, had known that we were meant to marry. Neither family had ever hidden that shit, not the way they’d taken every opportunity once we came of age to throw us together. It was amazing to realize that I had no idea what she really thought about the whole thing. We never spoke on it. I just took it for granted from her past actions that she was all for it. She’d even claimed to love me once or twice. But how can I be sure? She’s never looked at me the way my baby does.
In our circles you just did what was expected without question. It was that way with my parents and theirs before them. And I would’ve followed suit, done my duty and found whatever happiness there was to be had in the situation, if not for a pair of pearl gray eyes that looked into my soul like none other have ever done before.
Just thinking of her brought to mind this morning and what we’d shared, what I hoped to share more of with her for a lifetime and beyond. It was easy once I allowed myself to accept the truth. There’s no way in hell I could go on without her. No way I could wake up each morning for the rest of my life and not own her. Not have her next to me every step of the way.
It was the thought of her going off somewhere and making a life with someone else that really lit a fire under my ass. I had no doubt that there were any number of men out there who would be only too happy to have her. Fuckers!
No one else is going to have her, not ever. I couldn’t live with it. So what was the point of giving everyone else what they wanted if it was only going to bring pain and suffering? I could never give anyone else what was rightfully hers and I’d be damned if I’d let anyone else take what’s mine.
With the decision finally made I was able to relax. Now all I needed to do was let all concerned know of my decision. Who should I talk to first? How should I go about this in a way that would cause the less harm?
There was no way to avoid the fallout, but I’ve had to accept that someone was going to lose. Of all the choices, she was the only one I couldn’t bear to hurt. I never want to see her looking so lost and alone again, not if I can help it.
I’m not ashamed to say I was no longer too concerned with how the others were going to take it. It was for the best. For her happiness and mine, and also for the happiness of the woman who was expecting me to marry her. She’d be better off finding someone who would love her. I couldn’t.
I was preoccupied at dinner and mom noticed, and asked me once again what was on my mind. I could’ve told her then and there, but thought it best to approach Helen first. No matter how important this match was to our mothers, it was she who was going to be most affected. It was only fair that she be the first to know.
I’ll take care of all this and then have that long awaited talk with my little hellcat, then maybe she will sheath her claws. Except in my bed. There I want to feel the sting of her nails… For fuck sake Ethan get a grip. You’re sitting at the dinner table across from your mother imagining… Geez I’ve got it bad.
I answered mom’s questions halfheartedly but enough to get her off my back. She can be rather tenacious once she gets something between her teeth, and I knew this was going to hit her hard once it came to light. She’s not in the habit of having her wishes thwarted and I could imagine the hell she was going to put me through. But one thought of those eyes and I was willing to face anything.
