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Had I really been willing to spend my life like this? Married to a woman who only saw marriage as a duty? I suppose it’s hard to expect someone who’s always been sheltered from the real world to act any differently.
Like me she’d been raised to believe in a certain way of doing things. I guess it’s due to my time in the marines that I see things a lot differently these days. Where I’d learned that the world was about more than wealth and prestige, she was still steeped in that old world bullshit.
Nothing wrong with afternoon tea parties and balls. Yes those things still do exist. As well as lady days at the races here and abroad. My mother still goes to Ascot for heavens sake. And though I still admire some of the old pastimes of eras gone by, I have no tolerance for the snobbery my so called peers live by.
Those social walls have been tumbling down for decades now, what with intermarriage and new money. But there were still some diehards, like my mother who would fight to death to keep the status quo.
I pulled up outside Helen’s family home. It wasn’t unusual for people our age to still live on the family estate until we were married off. Helen was a social butterfly who worked for her family’s corporation as their charity liaison.
With her inheritance she never has to work a day in her life, and if we were to marry our combined wealth would strengthen our respective business interests, making them a force to be reckoned with. And yet I was willing to throw it all away for a pair of wide grey eyes and pouty raspberry colored lips.
I put thoughts of her away as I made my way to the door. The butler answered and led me into the study where she was waiting for me. I saw as soon as I walked into the room that she was expecting to talk wedding.
There were magazines and scraps of material spread out on the table and if that wasn’t enough, the smile on her face said she thought I had finally come to officially ask for her hand in marriage.
“What a lovely surprise.” She gave me her cheek for a kiss which I gave before moving away quickly. It wasn’t so much that I was uncomfortable as much as it was my hatred for what I was about to do. Plus Lucia would have my balls if she saw that shit. She’s almost as possessive as I am.
Now that I was here, finally doing what I should’ve long ago, the deed was no easier to carry out. This day was going to end very badly for two people that I cared for. And how long have you been hurting Lucia’s poor little heart with your refusal to do the right thing? What you’ve always known was the right thing.
In trying not to hurt anyone, I’d only managed to hurt everyone. I see that now so clearly. It would never have worked between Helen and I, not after accepting my feelings for Lucia. I knew that all along, even when I fought it. What a fucking mess.
I paced the room while she called for tea, always the lady of the manor. I can’t imagine Lucia doing such a thing. She’d more likely challenge visitors to some kind of race or other show of prowess. Something my own mother would see as unladylike. But I see it as her free spirit. She’d never stand on ceremony, but will always do what brings the most joy; it’s one of the things I like best about her. The thought made me smile and helped ease the band across my chest.
I’d much rather that I be the only one to suffer here, but barring that, no matter what, she was not to be hurt. I’m not ashamed either to say, that I’d see them all suffer, before I let her have one more moment of pain.
I waited for the servant to bring the tea tray in and leave again before asking her to sit. “Why don’t you have a seat Helen?” I took a seat across from her on the couch while she sat on an armchair. It’s always been like that, only now did I notice these things where before they never mattered.
Except for that one night I’d slept with her to prove something to myself, we’ve always acted like nothing more than friends. There were no soft stolen touches between us, no special looks as you’d expect between lovers. Not like there is between Lucia and I. Shit, I can barely keep my hands off her even when I know it’s for the best. Before I’d let my eyes do the touching, but now I no longer have to. I just have to put this shit to rest once and for all and I will be free to have my woman in any way I choose.
