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I shrugged. That one hit close to home. "Karen was a saint, right? But maybe too selfless." My mind spun toward Winter.
"Can we at least agree that the only worthwhile couple were the sex doubles?"
"Yes." I reached out and slapped my palm against Noah's open hand.
"How about Sarah and Karl?"
"What about them?"
"Do you think Sarah is stupid for abandoning Karl for her brother every time?"
I could see where he was leading me now. "Ivy is not an institutionalized man."
Noah kicked out his legs and reached down for his mug. "I always thought Karl could have been more supportive and waited for Sarah."
"Maybe Karl was done with being last."
Noah shrugged. "First, last. Are you keeping count?"
You're first wife to me.
I ran the back of my hand over my mouth, feeling unaccountably parched. I'd told Winter time and again that she was first to me, but when I told her I needed her, wasn't I doing the very same thing I accused Ivy of doing—asking Winter to subsume her own needs and wants and desires in favor of making me happy?
How was that putting her first? I’d wanted her in my life on my terms.
"Is she worth waiting for?" Noah asked.
Just thinking of her made me feel like part of me was cut away. Until I had her with me, I'd only be half a person. Somewhere on the other side of the city, my heart was walking around, drawing up tattoos and trying to hold herself together. "Without a doubt."
"Then wait for her, or you'll regret it forever." Noah knew what he was walking about. He’d written to his girlfriend for four years when he was deployed to Afghanistan and then came to Central College a couple years later to win her back. He knew all about waiting.
"Was it hard for you?" I asked Noah, uncomfortably. No guy liked to talk about sex unless it was how much he was getting and how hard he was putting it to his partner.
"To go without?" Noah asked.
I nodded.
"Not at first. When we first started writing, Grace was pretty young, and I just thought of her as someone back home who actually gave a shit but not much more. But when she started writing about Lana dating, I realized that Grace wasn't a schoolgirl. By the time I started thinking about her that way, I was still deployed. I'd had a few hookups on leave, but that's about as satisfying as pissing. The same kind of relief. I'm not sure I was even very good at it." Noah smiled ruefully. "When I got out, I had a few more hookups, but by then I started feeling guilty both about sleeping with girls I had no real interest in outside the bedroom and what I'd tell Grace when we got together. Because we were going to get together." Noah's voice held no doubt, only firm conviction. It was obviously what had carried him through nearly six years of separation.
He laughed a little then, something rare for him. Noah was a serious, driven guy. The complete opposite of his joking best friend, Bo. "Then when I got here to Central, waiting was a bitch. I wanted to carry Grace off and never let her see the light of day until I'd imprinted on her. If that's the way you feel about Winter, then I'm sorry you'll suffer, but in the end it'll be worth it."
Unlike Noah’s experience, there wasn't a long distance between Winter and me that would make the separation easier.
Into my prolonged silence, Noah spoke again. "If you want something bad enough, you can have it. You just need to want it more than anything. You need to want it more than you need to sleep, eat, shit, and breathe."
"She's worth it," I said. And then I knew it was true. It felt a weight lift off my chest, and the pain that had been eating me alive eased. Waiting for her was nothing. Lana was wrong that there was nothing I could do. I could show Winter she was first in my life. Even if Ivy's baby was mine—which I didn't believe it was—Winter would still be first. Just like she'd be first when we had our own kids. And I needed to start proving that to her.
And frankly, I needed to get off my ass and stop moping. The sooner I helped Ivy become a solid, sober person with an independent income, the sooner Winter wouldn't feel so responsible. I had a plan of action. Not just vague years of wondering when Winter and I would ever get together.
I didn't even have to tell Noah thanks. I looked at him, and he gave me the downward chin nod of acknowledgment. He knew.
26
WINTER
The past couple weeks had been hard. I’d been so tempted to go back to the apartment, and I worried about Ivy constantly. When I wasn't worried about Ivy, I kept thinking about Finn.
He’d somehow figured out where Tucker lived and would drive by morning and night. Last week, his pattern changed. He started leaving donuts and coffee on the front step.
