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"What's this all about?" Tucker asked.
"I told him I bribed you all at Atra during my first month by bringing you food and coffee." The truck at the end of the street didn't move as I stood on the front steps staring first at the food and then down the road. Finn sat there until I picked up his offering and went inside.
"I miss those days." Tucker grinned and swiped a donut. Then he sobered. "You think you should at least talk to him?"
"I can't." I sipped the coffee.
"Do you think he’s the father of Ivy’s baby?”
“No. He’s so adamant that he isn’t, and I just don’t believe he’d lie about something like that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I can’t hurt Ivy like that.”
“Bullshit.”
“What?” I asked offended.
“You heard me. I said that was bullshit. You’re using Ivy as an excuse. I think you’re scared.”
“Of what?” I put my hands on my hips.
“Of being happy,” Tucker replied, leaning back in his kitchen chair until only two wooden legs held him up. I barely resisted the urge to kick the chair out from under him.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means that you've been hurt so many times in your life by the people you love, who are supposed to love you back, that you don't trust in happiness anymore. It feels false to you. The closer people get, the more you want to shove them away. It was easy for you to stand by Ivy because she needed you. It feels good to be needed. But when the need goes away, what do you have left? Need and love aren't the same thing.
“When you love someone you have to be completely vulnerable to them. You have to give them the opportunity and even the means to knife you in the heart. Only you trust they won't. It was easy to love Finn when he was unavailable. So much harder when he returned that love. Having unrequited feelings are safe. It's when you share them that shit gets real. For that split second when you thought Finn was the father of Ivy’s baby, it hurt so bad you decided you didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore.”
“You don’t know anything,” I said, but even to my own ears the words were weak. I sat down in
the chair opposite of his before I fell down.
He slammed the chair legs down and leaned forward. “If you had to do it all over again, would you wish you were never adopted?”
“No! Never,” I replied in real shock. “I love Mom and Dad. My life is so much better than what it could have been.”
“Right, so even though the pain of being left behind is fucking unbearable at times,” he thumped his chest, “and I miss my brother Will like a motherfucker, I still would want to live through it all again. Suffer the loss a thousand times for the honor of having him as my brother. Loss sucks. Hurt sucks. But it's worth it.”
I licked my lips nervously because I was at a complete loss for words. Was I really pushing Finn away and using Ivy as my shield? “I don’t believe that’s it.” I looked to Tucker for understanding, but this time there was none. Instead he speared me with a gaze full of pity and then demolished the rest of his donut.
"What?" I demanded. "What was that look for?"
"Just felt sorry for the old boy. No matter how many donuts he leaves, he'll come away empty handed."
“How do you know?”
"I know a hell of a lot about pain and loss. When my baby brother died, I turned to his wife. They'd been high school sweethearts, married just days before he died in Afghanistan. I thought I loved her, but she ran off with a Marine she knew all of five seconds." He laughed hollowly. "And she told me I didn't love her, that I only loved Will."
His story astonished me. Tucker had a steady stream of one-night stands. Some hookups lasted a week but hardly longer. I never once thought he nursed a broken heart.
"Was she right?" I asked.
He sucked in his lower lip and gave me an abrupt nod. "Yeah, I didn't want to let her go because she was the last piece of Will I had left. Finn isn't into you because he wants your sister. If he wanted your sister, he could have her. I only wanted Sam because Will was gone. That isn't the case with the two of you. The only person who’s making you feel second place is you."
Who’s first wife now? Finn had said when I’d told him to leave that night.
