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“Jesus fuck, Jess.”
“For the last six years,” I bit out.
He roughly ran his hands over his head then let them fall as if they each weighed a ton. “I didn’t know.”
That’s the problem, Beck. You’ve never fucking known.
“If you would’ve just stopped selling to her like I’ve been begging you to. If you would’ve just killed— Do you realize what you set into motion six years ago by not killing the man you pulled off me? Do you have any idea who he is?”
Beck stared at me like he wanted to beg me to stop talking. Like he was waiting for this to just be a bad dream.
It was a bad dream.
It was mine.
“He’s a dealer. His name’s AJ.”
Recognition lit in Beck’s eyes.
“I was drugged that night. I woke up to him—” I gestured over my body, my face twisted in disgust.
Beck’s face drained of color. “Jess, no . . .”
Gritting my teeth, I said, “And no man owns me. So I decided to own all men.”
He took a step toward me, his hands out, but I took a step back and put a shaking hand out to stop him.
“And still I’ve woken up to him in my room. I’ve woken up to guns pointed at me. I’ve woken up to his hands around my neck. I’ve woken up again and again to heavy limbs and him taking from me what I can’t afford to pay him. And I can never stop him.” A sob ripped from somewhere in my soul and my legs threatened to give out beneath me. “I’ve scrambled to placate the worst kind of men for years because I’ve been trying to keep them from coming after you. Because you thought you were protecting me. If anyone has been protecting the other, it’s been me,” I repeated. “You have ruined my life.”
“I tried.” He swallowed roughly, the action looked like it pained him. “I tried . . . I thought I was protecting you.”
“You should’ve known that you couldn’t.”
“I could’ve if you would’ve told me.”
“I protect me. I protect us. I’ve spent my life keeping my mom safe from anyone who’s tried to hurt her. Including herself. But I can’t keep her safe from the poison you’re all giving her. And then Mickey promised to put her in a rehab if I helped him.” Another sob tore from me, and I clawed at my chest, trying to relieve the pressure there. “I had to take it. It was the only chance to save her.”
Beck’s head shook slowly, like he didn’t know how I didn’t understand. “And you believed him?”
“I had to!”
“She’s killing herself, Jess. The fact that she’s still alive is a miracle.” He laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “If you would’ve let me take care of you—even if you would’ve let me try to take care of both of you—she would’ve still found a way to get what she wanted. That’s why I refused to stop selling to her. That’s why I wanted her coming to me. Because I could control it. Because I was her best option. We could’ve found a way to reduce her dose until she could’ve gotten help. But Mickey? He’s going to use her addiction against both of you.”
“He is,” I cried out.
More tears welled up in my eyes.
Make it go away, Beck.
So weak.
“Jessica . . .” Beck reached for me again, and again I jerked away. “Jess, I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
“If you were me, what would you do?” I asked slowly.
He let out a defeated sigh after a few seconds. “Mickey wants you. The fact that he doesn’t already have you means he’s probably acting like he’s giving you a choice. But that’s all it is. An act. From what he said and what he’s doing by taking your mom, I think the choice will be gone soon.”
A crushed laugh fell from my lips. “So, that’s it then? Am I supposed to stop fighting?”
