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I looked down at my naked body and locked my jaw. When I was sure I wouldn’t lash out at her, I said, “If you think I would ever force myself on you—or anyone—then you should go.”
I walked over and pulled out a pair of shorts from one of my drawers, dressing in rough jerks as I told myself to calm down.
Calm. Furious.
Fuck.
When she didn’t move from her spot on the bed, I told her, “You were standing between the dresser and the bed. I would’ve had easier access to the blades in the dresser. You know how fast I can grab them without realizing. Didn’t want to take that chance.”
“Oh.”
“I couldn’t think of what else to do to get you to talk. That side of me seems to bring something out in you.”
Though I didn’t know why.
Wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
Her brow furrowed. “I was talking to you.”
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t find it in me to force it out after what I’d just purposefully put both of us through. I always crashed if I was able to force the darkness away immediately after calling it forward. Doing it after being buried inside Jessica? I didn’t know how I was even standing.
“You went somewhere else . . . I didn’t know if I’d hurt you. You can’t do that after I fuck you, Jessica.”
“
I don’t do this,” she yelled. “I don’t do this. Is that what you want to hear?”
“Fuck? Because I’m pretty sure it’s in your job description.”
She jerked back like I’d hit her and tears filled her eyes.
I hated myself for speaking. I hated the way I said and did all the wrong things when I was struggling for an ounce of energy.
I’d done it to Lily a lot too . . .
“Jessica . . .”
“I don’t let men fuck me,” she said through clenched teeth. “What you just did? I’ve never done. I’ve never given control to a man—to anyone.”
I stared at her, trying to figure out what exactly she did. What I’d done wrong. And why she let me.
“I have to be in control at all times. There’s a man who—” She swallowed quickly, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. “There was a man who tried to rape me from behind. Ask Beck. He nearly killed him when he found us.” She crawled off the bed as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. “I might sell myself, but I have rules. Not just any man who drives up asking for the time of day can have me. I only have certain clients and only some of them are allowed to touch me. And I am always in control,” she bit out.
I watched her, dread coursing through me as I tried to remember if I’d forced her to let me fuck her that way. If she’d told me to stop.
Now I didn’t know if she’d clawed at the dresser because she was trying to hold on, or because she was terrified.
I didn’t know if she’d screamed out of pleasure and pain or fear.
“Jessica, why’d you let me?” I asked, the question sounding like a horrified confession.
“Because for a few minutes, I wanted to be lost in you.” Her eyes flicked to the dresser, a sad smiling pulling at her mouth. “Because I liked the way you held me at the bar. Because I’ve never wanted to give up control as much as I do with you.”
“But—”
“But demons don’t stay in hell,” she whispered.
I knew that better than anyone.
