I stood up, barely realizing what I was doing. Everything clicked into place, and I realized something important about myself and Tynan. It was like the whole world stopped and the pressure of it all trapped me in its wake. I had to go, I had to break his wall. All his pain, all his uncertainty was self inflicted. Today was the day I could try to mend things.
My hands were shaking when I found a shawl and changed my shoes.
“So help me, gods, if you ever hurt him, I will kill you with my bare hands,” Sol said slowly and I believed every word he said.
I pushed the door open, not turning back. I stumbled outside and squinted my eyes as if I had never seen the gloomy view ever before. When my eyes opened fully, I stared unseeingly at the landscape ahead. Unsteadily, I started walking up the hill and then I ran. The cold, moist air burned my skin and I sprinted through the open areas, not realizing that it had started to rain, my thin soled, leather boots slid in the wet grass. The shawl wrapped around my knees and I threw it on the ground, forcing myself to move faster as the sun disappeared behind dirty, gray clouds.
I ran and I ran, not noticing the rain soaking my clothes and shoes. I had to find Tynan. Every part of my being wasforcing me to keep going. It was fate, or magic, or all the powers of this world coming together to help me find one person who was the beginning and the end of everything.
It was nearly dark, when I came upon the hut where the dark silhouette of a man was chopping wood. When Tynan saw me, he dropped the ax, taking a step forward.
“What happened?” He caught me midway.
I tried to say something, but my rugged breaths were coming and going so fast I only managed to clasp his shirt.
“Are you alright?” He searched my face.
“Where . . .where’s Sage?” I asked.
“He’s gone, probably drinking.”
“Why didn’t you come home?” I breathed.
There were so many unspoken words between us, I could hardly distinguish what I wanted to say next. He was so genuine and real, difficult, complicated, as stubborn as anyone I have ever known, but also self-sacrificing and kind. At that moment, I realized that I wanted to be with him no matter what. I wanted to be with him when he was moody and detached, when he was down, when he was so deeply inside of his own head that it seemed like there was no place for anyone else. I wanted to be with him, even then.
“Because of me?” I whispered, watching his eyes getting even darker. “If I did something –” I started saying.
“No, it’s not you,” Tynan said quietly.
“Is it Gabrielle? Are you still in love with her?” I blurted out.
“I’m not,” he said without thinking.
The way he said it, like it was reactionary, not something he had to think about. He was not in love with her, even if Gabrielle still thought that he was.
“Then why?” I searched his face.
Tynan’s throat bobbed, he looked down as if he tried to find the right words.
“I’m not. . . good... for you,” Tynan said after a long pause.
His words sounded strained, as if he could not believe what he had just said.
My face must have shown what I was thinking, because Tynan reached up, and touched my cheek. The simple caress of his fingers stopped me in my tracks, and I stilled.
“Let me decide,” I whispered, leaning in into his touch.
“As much as I want it...” He moved closer, so close that our lips almost touched. “As much as it kills me every time I’m near you, we can’t do this,” he said it so quietly that I had to guess what he meant.
“Do you want me to be with someone like Denis?” my voice was shaking and I could do nothing to conceal it.
“That would be better for you,” he said quietly.
“Would you just watch him kiss me, touch me?” I asked, noticing something primal rising in his eyes.
“Careful now.”
“I don’t want to be careful.”
