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Cece: A stupid piece of paper that would cost you everything you’ve built in the last decade. A stupid piece of paper that could cost you your son. I can promise you I’m not worth all that.
I growl at that, my nostrils flaring in rage. I cannot fucking stand it when she says self-deprecating shit like that, because I know that’s what she truly believes in her heart, when she’s worth all that and an infinite amount more.
But I didn’t text her to start an argument. I texted her to try to smooth some of the awkwardness between us. To try to make her feel better.
Me: Can I at least tell you the solution I came up with? We might not be able to be together as a couple, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
Cece: Friends?
That text came with a confused face emoji.
Me: Yes, friends. There’s nothing in the prenup that says I can’t have female friends. And my best friend just happens to be one of my other female employees. So it wouldn’t be weird if you and I were known to be… friendly.
Cece: Your best friend who is your female employee is a LESBIAN. That’s different.
Me: It’s not different. Look. I need you in my life. I may not be able to have you the way I want, but I’ll take you any way I can get… more than just as my employee. If that means we can only be friends, then that’s what I’ll settle for. Can you at least give me that? Can you please just give me that, and stop avoiding me at the restaurant?
When she hasn’t responded in a couple minutes, I sigh and force myself to be vulnerable, knowing that’s how she probably feels.
Me: Naekkeo, I haven’t slept in days, not since I took you back to your car last Saturday night. I had you in my bed, right where I’m lying right now, and I could’ve taken you. I know that’s what we both wanted. What we both still want. But I couldn’t make love to you without you knowing the truth. I hope that at least shows you can trust me a little bit. Enough that you can at least believe me when I say I need you in my life, even if it’s just as friends. No ulterior motives. No trying to break down your defenses in order to try to get you to ignore your morals and sleep with me. I truly just… want to be your friend.
Another minute passes, and I start to think maybe she’s fallen asleep, but finally the three little dots begin to dance on my screen.
Cece: If you promise you can keep what’s between us completely platonic, then yes, I’ll promise to stop avoiding you, and we can be friends.
My heart leaps into my throat as I grin, and I want to chide myself for having the emotions of a teenaged girl, but I’m much too relieved to give a fuck about my man card at the moment, when I’m alone in my room in the middle of the night.
Me: I promise.
Cece: I’m serious, Win. The first time you do anything in front of anyone that you wouldn’t do with Steph, this friendship will have to be over. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you lost everything because of me.
Me: I understand, naekkeo. You need to get some sleep. You’ve had a stressful week, and I feel like I can finally calm my racing thoughts enough to get some sleep myself. I’ll see you tomorrow at work.
Cece: Okay. Night, Win.
Me: Goodnight, friend.
While my worries about facing another day of Cece ignoring me are finally calmed, now thoughts fill my mind of the many ways I can be close to her without crossing the very clear line she’s drawn in the sand between us. I want nothing more in this world than to take care of her, to lift all the weight off her shoulders and carry it myself so she can be worry-free and happy, to be content and not stress about anything in life. And I have to figure out a way to do that but without coming across overbearing, without looking to the outside world like we’re in a relationship.
Sure, I’ve done small things for her since the day I met her. I’ve sent her home with dinner for her whole family more times than I can count. I’ve given her whatever schedule she needs in order to make it work with her sister’s. I loaned her the money for the lawyer and helped her find the best one in town for her particular situation. And I came to her defense when her asshole ex showed up at work. But any opportunity that arises to show Cece how much she means to me, how much I care about her and love her, without making it obvious to everyone else, I’m going to take. That way if by some miracle she’s still single in three years, she might just give me a chance to be more to her when my shitshow of a marriage can finally officially end.
