‘Should I be worried that someone else is making you smile like that when I’m lying right next to you?’ he asks, lifting himself up on his elbows. His chin rests on my bare chest as he looks up at me with teasing eyes shining in the light of my phone.
Would he actually be worried if there was another guy or girl texting me right now? Would that bother him? Would it make him jealous? I’m not sure, because he’s not exactly forthcoming about his feelings. And more importantly, do I want him to be worried?
‘Um, Elise is here for the next few days as her husband’s got some time off work and she thinks Cassie will enjoy some of the race, even though she won’t make it through all of it. I’m gonna go and meet them for dinner, and maybe stay at their hotel the night before qualifiers so I can put the kids to bed.’
I don’t know why I feel so nervous telling him this. It’s quite normal for family to come and watch your home Grand Prix, but it only highlights the awful truth that Harper doesn’t have any family. I can’t bear that he’s going to be alone. Notalonealone, because his best friend is here, too, and so am I, but alone in the sense that there’ll be no one on the side supporting him this weekend.
‘I’m so excited for you. I bet you’re dying to see them?’ I can tell by the smile on his face that he means it. His whole stupid, gorgeous face…
‘I just wish I could get home to see Mum. It feels weird to know that she’s going to be with temporary carers for the next couple of days. Two random strangers she’s never met before… But then, it’s not like I’m there most of the year so I feel guilty all the time anyway. I don’t know. I feel a bit stressed about it and, like, I think Elise is?—’
I don’t get any more words out as he kisses me to stop me talking. My brain short-circuits, allowing me a few minutes to forget about my worries outside the four walls of this motorhome.
He pushes me back down onto the bed, straddling my hips as he chases my lips as I fall back into the couch. It’s delicious in every sense of the word. His lips taste like sweet cherry cola with a side of raw passion. He sighs as I part my lips and let him in, like there’s nothing he wants more in this moment.
There’s desire spiralling through my body, but he’s not hard as I grind up against him. Maybe he needs a bit longer to recover, but I choose to read it as an indication that he doesn’t want more than this right now. He’s not looking to lose himself in physical release; he’s looking for connection. It’s caring and, dare I say it, loving. He’s kissing me to shut me up, but he also knows this will take my mind off my worries. It feels like he’s doing this formerather than for his own pleasure. It might be the most unselfish thing he’s done all season.
I push my hands into his hair and grip the back of his head, bringing him closer – if that’s even possible. I can feel his heart beating in his chest and the way he kisses me back tells me he would fold himself into me if he could. I don’t know what this feeling is, but I know I want more.
* * *
I get one of the best nights’ sleep I’ve had on the road so far, and it’s even better to wake up knowing that I’m going to get to see my family for the first time in four months.
There’s all of Anna’s media commitments to get through first. They fly by in a blur of banter with Harper, and then Sky Sports does a piece on my highlights from fifteen years in the sport, and finally I play a reaction-based game on BBC TV against four other drivers.
Then it’s qualifiers, and I put on an absolute show for the crowd and most importantly my family. I sweep not only P1, but my personal-best lap time at Silverstone. The next thing I know I’m pulling up at the restaurant, eyes frantically searching every table for my family.
In ultimate twin behaviour, Elise and I spot each other at exactly the same time and I’m sprinting towards her before we hug like it’s the last time we’ll ever get to do it.
‘Oh, God, I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy to see you!’
She all but jumps into my arms and I spin her around like we’re little kids again. She snuffles into my shoulder and almost at the exact same time I feel tears pricking my eyes.
It’s always been hard being away from my family for nine months of the year, but this season’s been the worst. We’re both getting older, my niece and nephew are growing up without their uncle, and Mum’s not going to get any better. I’m missing out on so many firsts, and so many lasts.
It keeps retirement at the front of my mind all the time, and even more so in this moment.
‘No tears, El, please. Let’s just enjoy dinner and then tomorrow.’
‘We saw you qualified in first place! Smashing it, baby bro.’ She punches my shoulder and then wipes the stray tears from her face.
Grant approaches with Jesse strapped to his front in a baby carrier and Cassie’s little hand held firmly in his. I’m glad to be eating at 5pm if it means I get to see this pair. He offers me a half hug and then I quickly kneel down in front of Cassie.
She has her very own toy race car which she holds up to my face for inspection.
My eyes flick up to my sister and she shakes her head.
‘Don’t start. We were in the giftshop at the Silverstone Museum today whilst you were doing your media thing and free practice and she picked it herself. Don’t even think about putting thoughts in her head about getting her into a kart. It’s not allowed.’
She sounds serious, but I know she’d never stop her daughter following her dreams, even if it means following in her uncle’s footsteps.
‘No promises,’ I reply. ‘Hey, baby girl.’ I pat the car. ‘Did you enjoy the museum?’
She nods. ‘You were on the wall.’
‘She told every single person who walked past your mural that you’re her uncle. I’m not sure how many people believed her but she was loving life.’
I remember going to see it when they first opened the ‘through the decades’ portion of the museum. I was shocked and also proud that I was being included in the 2010s section amongst so many of the greats, both past and present. I only wish I’d been able to go with them today.
