It’s all smooth until Harper joins the conversation, putting a comforting hand on the small of my back. Then the pair go wild.
‘Introduce us, please,’ Aunt Judith says, curious eyes dancing between the two of us.
‘Judith, Angie, this is Harper James. Hendersohm’s second driver and my, um, my … man friend.’ The pair snicker, and Harper joins in with them like he’s in on the joke, while I only want the ground to swallow me up.
Man. Friend.
Brilliant. I will never live this down. Ever.
‘Well, don’t be knocking this one up. He’s having a great rookie season, and we need to see more of him next year,’ Angie says, smirking at me. Because of course she knows exactly who Harper is. She’s always loved motor sport. She’s actually the one who introduced my parents way back in the day.
‘Don’t worry, we’re waiting for marriage,’ Harper replies.
My knees lock on instinct to stop my jelly legs from plummeting me to the floor. Did he just say marriage? Where did the commitment-phobe go?
He keeps my aunts entertained while I take a second to step outside the marquee to collect myself. I’m having an out-of-body experience that isn’t entirely down to the fact that this is my mother’s funeral.
Unfortunately, the cold air only wakes my mind up even more to what he said. He might have been joking, but no one, not even Harper, is glib enough to throw around that word when they know the other person cares so much. Too much.
Would he even want that? I just didn’t see him being the kind who would want to legally sign up to forever with someone. No matter how much I wanted … want … to hope that could be our future.
Harper finds me not long after, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me in close.
I’m so confused. It’s hardly the time, but it feels like there’s an elephant in the room.
‘That picture…’ I say.
‘It was nothing. I promise, it was nothing. I was doing what I always do; being an absolute wanker because you bloody scare the life out of me. You’ve gotta remember, I’m totally new to all this romantic bullshit. I’m a one-night, one-time guy and then you went and took over my whole brain and heart.’
His heart? Are we really about to have our first relationship moment at my mum’s wake? It feels weird and highly inappropriate.
‘I can’t keep doing this, Harper. I was crushed, and it feels like you’re playing a game. Every time I’m done and try to move on, you come running back and find a way to hook me again.’
‘I know it seems like that, but that’s not my intention. I care about you so much, and I’m trying to work through all my issues in therapy, but it’s gonna take time. Can you give me time?’
I sigh and take a deep breath. I remember Elise’s words about what Mum would say. Maybe this is the perfect setting for this conversation after all.
‘If we’re going to do this,’ I finally say, ‘there needs to be some boundaries, and the first big one is that we are exclusive. You’re mine if you want to be, but that’s it. No one else.’
‘Kian,’ he says seriously, ‘I don’t want anyone other than you. I haven’t for a while. It’s a defence mechanism when I get freaked out, and then I panic and push you away because I’m afraid that you’ll get bored and leave me and it will hurt so bloody much, but I promise you, I only want you.’
‘Why couldn’t you have just said all of this a month ago, I can’t even imagine how happy we’d be right now.’
‘Because I don’t know how to do this!’ he says. ‘And because I’m an idiot, obviously.’ It’s the most honest he’s ever been with me.
‘We’ve already been doing it. We just need to tidy up the edges a little.’
‘Yeah, I guess.’
‘Tidying up isn’t exactly your strongpoint, I know.’
‘Get lost,’ he says, laughing, and thumps me on the shoulder. ‘Can I kiss you now?’
It feels like heaven to be holding him and kissing him, today of all days. I don’t know how I would have got through this without him. I think Mum would approve, and that feels good.
He pulls back and says, ‘While this is great and all, I don’t think it’s appropriate to go back in there with a hard-on, so maybe we can press pause for now?’
‘Well that’s a first. I could get used to responsible Harper…’ I tease.
