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“Thanks, Michael.”
Then Allison rolled up her window and the two of them took off.
I stood in the driveway, watching them fade away. Watching them ride off into their own little world. I used to do that on Clint’s bike. I used to wrap my arms around him and cling to him as we rode around town. Or back to his house. Or back to my house. The horizon had been for our taking. Life had been ours to grasp. And now, I stood alone in my driveway. Watching my two best friends who were absolutely in love pave their own path into the sunset.
While I stood there.
Alone.
Like I’d always been in my life.
7
Clinton
Midnight.
As I checked my cell phone for the time, midnight stared back at me. Midnight, on a school night, and I still wasn’t asleep. I’d taken pain medication. I’d taken a sleep aid. And here I lay, staring at my fucking ceiling.
Wondering about Rae.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Everything reminded me of her, and I hated it. I wanted it to be over. Every single part of this painful journey reminded me why I didn’t do the fucking relationship thing. The pain in my broken heart reminded me of why I fucked and kept moving. Why I took what I wanted and gave very little back in return.
Because this was what heartbreak felt like.
I did it for her own good, though.
I rolled over onto my side. Despite the pain in my face plate, I buried myself into the pillow. I stared at the wall, giving myself yet another muted surface to look at as my mind spiraled. I wanted to call Rae and tell her about all of the things I’d researched. All the possibilities that were apparently out there for me. And if she wanted to, she could be part of that. I wanted those words to come out of my mouth. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her. How much I wanted her. How much I needed her.
How much I love her.
I sighed as I rolled onto my back again. I was a stomach sleeper. So I knew I wouldn't sleep well. Or hard. But I wanted to sleep a little bit, at least. While my father wasn’t at the house still. I didn’t know his condition at the hospital. Frankly, I didn’t care. Hell, I didn’t give a shit if the hospital kept him for weeks on end because of complications stemming from the night before. So long as it kept him out of this house.
And away from us.
Rae could be over more.
I growled at the thoughts racing through my mind. I turned over onto my other side and grabbed my phone again. 12:06. I’d killed six entire minutes doing nothing but burying myself in my own thoughts.
Why can’t it be six entire hours?
I tossed my phone back onto the bedside table. I snuggled down underneath the covers and closed my eyes. Maybe if I faked being asleep, my body would eventually slip into it. I mean, everyone said Fake it until you make it. Maybe that shit actually worked.
So I screwed my eyes shut.
Rae’s face bombarded my memories. Her laughter echoed in the caverns of my ears. And I swore I felt her lips against mine. That soft plumpness pushing against me. My eyes ripped open. I panted softly for air. I rolled over and reached for my cell phone, trying to figure out what time it was.
One-fifteen in the morning.
I tossed my cell phone onto the pillow next to my head. Then I closed my eyes. At least it worked; pretending to sleep led to sleep. Not a restful sleep, though. I didn’t want to see Rae in my dreams. I didn’t want to relive the beauty of her body before waking up and finding myself in an empty bed. I couldn't take it. My heart couldn't tolerate it.
Should’ve thought about that before leaving her.
I growled as I turned to the side. I picked up another pillow and pressed it against my ear. I blocked myself away from the world, hoping it would all fade away with time. But the further I sank into my mattress, the more my mind swirled with thoughts of her. How was school? Did she have a lot of homework? What did we talk about in history? What did she do after school today? Did she have to work? Did she get home safely?
Does she miss me?
I peeked my eye open and saw my phone sitting there. Taunting me. Mocking me. Whispering things in my ear. Call her. Just once. It’ll be okay. Once you hear her voice, you can sleep easily.
