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“Don’t ignore me, damn it, you’ve been ignoring me, your brother, and Trey, that’s not like you. What the hell is going on?”
Between the sudden intrusion and her hands on me, demanding me to tell her what my deal is, I don’t even try to hold back. I let it all out. Blurting out abruptly, “I can’t get pregnant!” I know it’s not a definite no that I can’t but it’s close enough to impossible. You could hear a pen drop, it’s a looming eerie silence. Lana goes to say something but is interrupted by my customer walking up to the register. I know she heard what I said; she looks like she’s seen a ghost, her eyes wide and lips pinched tight as if she is refraining from saying something.
I ring her out without saying a word and wait until she’s out of earshot and gone. Turning my attention back to Lana’s sad, awaiting face.
“Shayla, what do you mean? I mean what happened?” She throws her arms around me and sobs into my shoulder. Asking me a million questions a minute. I wait a few moments, too tired to cry, the tears already drained from my body.
“I found out a couple of months ago when I went to get a checkup for some pain I was having,” I say blandly.
“Why are you so calm?” She stands back at arm’s length and reaches for a tissue to clean her makeup.
“I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night since I found out, so I guess I’m just tired of crying, tried of wallowing.”
“How long have you known?”
“Two months.”
Her jaw falls open slightly. “You’ve known that long and didn’t tell me? Why would you hide that secret from me?”
I scoff. I’ve been hiding this from everyone. I’ve pushed Trey out, because I can’t look at him without feeling like a disappointment. The guilt started to swallow me whole. This isn’t about her. This is about me and the hardship I’m facing.
“You think I was ready to share something like that with the world? I’m sorry, but it was my secret to keep,” I tell her, grabbing my bag and pushing past her. I can’t believe she had the nerve to ask me why I kept it from her. Isn’t it obvious? This is killing me; I’m ashamed of myself, angry with my deceiving body, why would I want to tell anyone?
I pushed Trey away because shortly after we resumed being intimate, after Pops passed, he started talking about having a family. It was mild at first, brought up every once in a while, and then bam! Every—single—day he was asking me to start a family.
I guess he may have been vulnerable with losing Pops and his snake of a mother coming back, but he meant it. He wants a family, and I can’t give him that. My eyes start welling with tears again, shit, I thought I had nothing left to cry.
“It’s not fair that you kept that from me when I tell you everything about me. The good and the bad.” Her voice gets louder the farther away I get. My shift is over, and I want to go home and curl up in a ball, become a hermit.
“Just leave it be, L. There’s nothing to talk about,” I turn and yell.
“Yeah, that’s what you think, but you’re pushing all of us away, and if you keep doing it you might lose Trey for good!”
“That was uncalled for, Lana.” I spin and run to my car. I have officially kicked everyone out of my bubble and pushed away all the support that I needed. Trey hasn’t sent me any messages or calls today, Kings has been avoiding me since I went off on him the other day and now my best friend thinks I’m selfish.
Great. The world one, Shayla zero.
Pulling up to my apartment at a quarter to three, I see Trey’s truck, indicating he didn’t go into the studio today. I want, so badly, to go up to his apartment and complain about all the shit going on in my life, but that would mean I would need to tell him my secrets.
The doctor told me we could remove some of the tumors, even though removing them comes with the risk of having a full hysterectomy. News like that is never easy; I still don’t want to accept it. I lost what felt like a part of my womanhood, the one thing I should be able to do as a woman, I can’t. How does anyone deal with that? I know I’m throwing myself a pity party, but shouldn’t I be allowed to feel this way? Am I not entitled to be a head case?
Opening the door to my apartment, I throw my things on the front table by the door. I need a bath and wine—lots of wine. Grabbing an entire bottle of Merlot, I take it with me to the bathroom. Turning on the tub and filling it with hot water and honeysuckle-scented bubble bath, I wait until it’s nearly filled to the brim to slide in.
The heat soothes the ache in my shoulders, relieving some of the tension. Pondering what I can do to work things out with Trey, I worry my lip between my teeth. Lana may have been harsh, but she’s right. I can’t expect Trey to stick by me when I don’t even give him a chance to fight for us or let him in. If I had more strength in myself, I wouldn’t be so hesitant. But I have to make a choice, fight to be with Trey or lose the one thing that creates my happiness.
I stare at my phone on the toilet next to the tub for a solid ten minutes before the angel on my shoulder summons me to call Trey.
“Hello.” His deep voice tumbles through the phone and that’s all it takes. I start to cry ugly sobs from down in my chest.
“Baby! What happened? Are you hurt?” he panics.
“I need you. I need you bad.”
“Where are you?”
Sniffling and taking a deep breath, I reply, “Home.”
“I’ll be right there, baby.” He ends the call and I drop the phone on the bathroom rug, too weak to move my arms enough to place it back on the toilet.
