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“I say good-bye to my dad today.” Confessing, I push my face deep into her tiny stomach, breathing in her scent.
“I know, Trey. What can I do to help you?” she asks softly, her willingness to help me is what I’m most thankful for right now. I don’t have much that I need from her other than her presence. Today will be the hardest day I’ve had to face in my life.
“The worst thing is knowing that I won’t see him again. Shay, yesterday I woke up and felt fucking lost, and I went to call my dad. I’ve been so damn out of it that I forgot he was gone, and when I called, it rang and rang then his voice came through the phone. His voicemail said ‘I’m not in right now.’ It’s killing me. He’ll never be able to answer again.” I cry into her shirt, pulling her tighter to me. Pain ripping through me, and all I ache to do is tear open my chest and pull my heart out so I can stop the constant heartache.
“How come you didn’t tell me, I didn’t know that happened,” she asks, her voice a gentle whisper.
“I’m too emotional. I’m supposed to be the strong man here, not the weak pussy who cries all fucking day.”
“You don’t have to be anyone but who you are in front of me. Trey, you can’t pretend to be strong all the time, you need me too and that’s okay.” Shayla has a point. Don’t I have the right to be broken into nothing, completely burned to ashes? I lost my biggest fan, my first best friend, the man who taught me to be a man. My eyes flutter shut, letting the feel of her hands in my hair wash over me. I know I don’t need to be the strong guy who puts up a front all the time, but maybe I want to because it’s better than facing the truth.
“Just tell me one day my heart will fucking heal,” I ask, knowing she doesn’t have the answer, but I’m so vulnerable that any answer is welcomed, even if I know it isn’t true. My heart will never truly heal after this, I know that.
She touches my face, running her hand around the curves, dips, and edges, looking for the words, I’m sure. “It won’t be easy, Trey, but in time your heart will heal.” I hold those words close to me, keeping them captive in my mind where they can play on repeat. Hope is better than reality, sometimes.
Pulling her tiny frame closer, I urge her to straddle me; she complies and seats herself. I get a glimpse of her shaved pussy and it makes me hungry. I so badly want to take her right here and right now, but in reality, I just need her to tend to me, take care of me like a lioness takes care of her lion.
We sit in comfortable silence as she styles my hair while still straddling me. I inhale her scent and fill my lungs with her smell, finding the last bit of serenity that I can. When she finishes my hair, she trims my beard just a bit, then brings me my suit and tie so I can finish getting dressed. Once I’m ready, I look in the full-length mirror, in the corner of her walk-in closet. I’m dressed in black suit pants that fit me a little bit looser than they did before, I must have lost a few pounds, eating hasn’t been my biggest priority. I have on a black button-up dress shirt, paired off with black shoes and a black tie. My ensemble matching the darkness inside of me. I’m consumed in darkness, my thoughts, my heart, every living part of me. Today, I say good-bye to my dad—today, I let him go.
“THE CLOUDS ARE SO DARK, I’m surprised the rain hasn’t hit,” Lana says from her seat behind me. Lana and Kingston came along in our car, in an attempt to keep me distracted.
“They said it’s supposed to rain this afternoon, so it’ll be here soon,” Shayla says, weaving in and out of traffic gracefully. I watch the way she is holding the steering wheel like it’s delicate, as if the car is working at the grace of her fingertips. The sleek, pinned-back ponytail she is sporting hides none of her face from me, and I can see the way she’s concentrating on the road. Shayla looks beautiful, even on this day she has managed to take my breath away with her beauty.
She’s wearing a sheer, black, long-sleeved wrap dress, tied at her waist, showing off her perfect curves. She wore a black dress under it, the straps sitting on her slim shoulders, the dress ending just above her tiny knees.
Shayla must have lost at least five pounds since I last noticed. She looks smaller then her normal curvy, petite frame, only causing me to feel worse. I don’t want her to suffer alone just to keep me as her main focus—she’s hurting, too.
“It’s the perfect day for a funeral then now, isn’t it?” I say, referring to the rain. I know it’s morbid and a mood killer, but regardless, it’s the truth and today my give-a-fuck is busted.
“
Sorry, Trey, I didn’t mean it like that,” Lana says, putting her hand on my shoulder.
Right away, I apologize for my rudeness. She didn’t deserve that. I need to stop pushing out the people who are only trying to comfort me.
“I know you didn’t.” I grab her hand and she leans in with my light tug. “I didn’t mean to make the mood weird, just a shitty day,” I reply, kissing the back of her hand. I never had a sister but Lana is pretty damn close to being one. I let go and she pats me on the shoulder one more time before adjusting herself back into place.
“You look beautiful, by the way,” I say softly to Shayla, taking a second to look in the rearview mirror to see Kings and Lana talking. The music in the car isn’t loud, but it helps keep the backseat guest out of our conversation.
I reach one hand over and place it on her exposed thigh. Her skin is soft and warm; the heat spreads through me, making her presence even more known.
“Thank you.” A soft smile spans across her face.
I pause briefly, turning into her more. “I want to say thank you…you know, for planning all of this,” I say, squeezing her leg and rubbing circles on the inner part of her thigh, my finger slipping farther down, tucking comfortably between her thigh and the leather seat of her Audi. I want her glued to me; I want to cling to her as much as I can.
I haven’t been much help, and I know Shayla has been working tirelessly to plan this funeral and take care of Kathy. Kathy—fuck, I haven’t even called to check on her. I may be the worst son ever, already letting my dad down by breaking the promise I made to him while he lay in that hospital bed. Flashing back to the day, I swallow hard, pushing back the tears. Keep it together, man.
“I would do anything for you.” She looks over at me with a sideways glance. Her face is beautiful; even if she’s exhausted it doesn’t show. Her words have such a warmth to them, keeping me complacent for the rest of the drive. I spend it silent but focused on everything that is Shayla.
We pull up to the church, its old cathedral style makes me feel like I’m in a movie. It’s beautiful, but today it just looks dark, all the white columns look dull, the vibrant plants void of all color. It’s hard to say that this place could be a place of peace when today it holds nothing but an ugly sadness.
“You ready?” I look over at the only beautiful thing left in my world and nod.
Stepping out of the car, Shayla rounds the front and finds my side. “Let’s go say good-bye.” Grabbing Shayla’s hand, she squeezes mine and we walk up the long steps to the church, my heart aching, my soul breaking, and my strength shattering. This is it.
“THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. I was hesitant to come up here today and say anything.” I look from face to face of the people filling the pews, people that all loved my dad. I’m the first to speak after the heartfelt dedication was read by Kathy, followed by a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace” sung by the choir. Manning up, I took steady breaths; reeling in my emotions, ready to give my dad one hell of a speech, one that he deserves.
“But I knew I couldn’t just sit here without saying all of the things I need to say to my father.” Another deep breath and quivering lip, I blink back the tears.
