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Stay strong, man.
“You know, it’s something you would never think. How many people can say that they have thought about what they would last say to their loved ones, if they had the chance? I’ve replayed that question and the scenarios in my head over and over again this week.” I take in a deep breath and attempt to choke back my emotions, the tears fighting to come out. I look down to the front row and find my woman, locking my gaze solely on her. Shayla centers me, keeping me in place, with a soft smile and nod. The tears falling down her angelic face grip at my chest.
Be strong, Trey.
“My dad and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember, literally the first memory I have, he is there. Without my mom there, that bond grew even stronger, and I remember one moment specifically on my eighteenth birthday, he said, ‘Son, you are now a man, and I raised a damn good one, but there will come a day when I won’t be here and you will have to make all these choices, and all I ask is that you do it with me in mind.’” I wipe under my eye with my thumb, before the tear can even make it out. “The day he died—” I stop, giving myself a minute, saying it out loud only digs the knife deeper into my heart.
“The day he died, I made him a promise to always live the life he wanted for me and it brought me to the question, what would my father’s last words to me be? I think my dad would have smiled his full, broad grin, patted my shoulder and said, ‘Son, continue building your dream, give back to those who need you, forget the chains from the past that bind you, and for the love of God, fall in love.” I see Shayla cover her mouth and sob. Her cry doesn’t seem sad, it exudes honor—pride. Shayla’s crying because she misses Pops, and I want her to know that he loved her, more than she gave herself credit for. Giving her this knowledge is the least I could do for her after all she’s done for me this week. Giving her these words is another way that I can bond her to me in this moment of loss.
“I know he’s here now, and I know he would tell us all to not cry and pull up our big boy pants and move on. So, today I say good-bye to him, and I wanted to tell him my last words.” A shaky breath leaves me, but I won’t let the lump in my throat stop me. I let the tears fall as I look at Shay. She’s staring right back, nodding her head—urging me to continue.
“Pops, you will never be too far. In my heart, in my soul, in the eyes of my children, the day I marry my woman. The moment God sees fit for me to leave this earth, I will be with you again. Thank you for giving me a great life, doing the best you could to keep me happy. You always believed in me and never once made me feel anything else but love. I love you, Dad.” The words are felt deep within me like an echo in a cathedral, bottoming out my weak heart. There it is and there it was—saying good-bye.
I turn and kiss my hand before laying it on his casket. Looking up, I close my eyes and mouth, “Good-bye.” Slowly, making sure I don’t lose my footing on my weak knees, I leave the pulpit and take my seat next to Shayla and Kathy—two of the most important women in my life.
Shayla kisses me on the cheek, grips my hand tightly then whispers, “That was beautiful. Pops would be so proud, baby.”
She calls me ‘baby,’ gripping my heart in her fist with the simple adoration. The pressure much needed, because I’m afraid if she lets go the pain will run rapid and I’ll lose myself.
“Don’t let go of my heart.” My words may not make sense to anyone else, but they do with Shayla. Nodding, she leans in to confirm. Bringing me comfort with her embrace, we share a sad smile; our foreheads joined and eyes shut before listening back in.
We listen to a few speeches, loved ones telling the crowd about the amazing things my dad did in his life, the way he imprinted on them, the kindness in his soul.
When it comes time for Shayla to speak, I nearly reach out and suck her back in, hating her absence. Shayla leaves my side and takes her place at the podium. Her heat pulling away from me felt like I left the sun and flew straight into Pluto, cold and lifeless.
“Thank you, everyone, for your words of praise and kindness for our beloved Pops. I want to take a second to tell you a little story about Pops and me. So, for those of you who know me, I was lucky enough to be in Pops’s life for nearly fourteen years, and I have tons of fun stories about us but this one takes the cake. No one knows about this but me and soon, all of you.”
I don’t know what memory she is talking about, because I can’t recall a time where I was not with them when they were together. I watch her quizzically, interested to hear what she’s going to say. Intrigued, but also desperate to hear anything about my father that I don’t know, as if it will somehow bring me closer to him.
“One night, Trey broke his arm and I came over to see if he was okay. Thankfully, he was.” She bites her lip and smiles at me; I return it with a tearful wink, recalling that night vividly in my mind. Watching my life up there talking about the one man I loved more than anything has me shattering into a thousand pieces. Ones that I know only Shayla can glue back together.
“I ended up staying the night and watching movies with them until we fell asleep. Early the next morning, I woke before he did to the smell of the best French toast in the world. Pops’s French toast. Oh my, you guys, it was the greatest ever invented.” A little piece of my heart warms as she talks about this cherished moment with my dad, she’s a fucking rock star up there, making me feel somewhat normal today and honoring my dad in the best way possible.
“I rushed to the kitchen and jumped up on the counter next to Pops while he cooked. He laughed at me and told me I have the smell of a shark and the appetite of a whale.” She lets out a small giggle as the audience smirks up at her; a light array of laughs sounding off.
“He kept flipping the French toast in the air, without even using anything but the pan and his hand. I was so amazed because I always wanted to know how people did it. Pops laughed, then spent a solid twenty minutes trying to teach me. Ugh, I was so frustrated that I couldn’t do it. And after we wasted almost half a loaf of bread and I got the egg and milk mix all over Pops—even on his face somehow—we gave up. Well, I did, Pops wanted to try again, but I finally just turned and said to him, ‘I will have to marry someone who can flip French toast. That’s at the top of my list since I’m a lost cause.’ You guys, he looked at me with this huge grin and said, ‘You know, my son can flip French toast.’ The blush that showed on my face did not go unnoticed. He pressed me further, ‘You love my boy, don’t you?’” She gives me her genuine smile, not taking her eyes off of me.
“And I said, of course I do, he was raised to be perfect by you, down to flipping French toast, how can I not be in love with him?” We all laugh and I glance from her to his picture. My heart beating slowly, barely steady.
“I’ll never forget the moment he
turned and said, ‘Well, he loves you too and one day you two knuckleheads are going to fall head over heels in love. Just give him enough time to pull that head out of the clouds. He’s lost and looking, and you’re going to be the one who finds him and the one who he’s been looking for all along.’ He was so right, if Pops didn’t tell me this or open my eyes, I wouldn’t be the luckiest woman in the world that I am today. I wouldn’t be the one who gets to be loved by his perfect son.”
Split me open and give her my heart, this woman is the grace of God. He really was the best wingman a son could ask for.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, Pops was such a bright light, always staying positive and trying to find a way to heal everyone and make everyone happy. I really wish I could tell people the beauty that Charles brought into this world, but the attempt pales in comparison to the real person he was. He was the most inspirational, loving, and humbled man on this earth. You would never know the trials he faced or the crummy hardships he had to endure, because he always managed to make everyone around him happy. I know that his journey here on earth wasn’t the end. I see him in heaven making people smile and children laugh. He was and will always be my Pops, my hero.” She pauses for a brief second, then finishes. “We miss you, Pops, and love you so much.” With that, she leaves the stand and that concludes the end of the service.
I thought I loved this woman before, but that was nothing to the way I feel about her now. She comes and sits next to me while everyone stands up to walk by his casket to say their good-byes before we head to the gravesite. I waste no time pulling her onto my lap and nestling my head into her shoulder.
“I never knew about that, how come you didn’t tell me?” She smiles and kisses my cheek.
“Because I wanted you to come to me all on your own, and it worked, didn’t it?”
She never ceases to amaze me and yeah, she’s right. She just had to wake up and breathe to catch me. Never once did Shayla have to work for my attention or my desire, she had it all, just by existing.
“You’re right, I did come for you all on my own and it’s been the best decision of my life to date.” I cup her face with my hand and tilt my head up to kiss her sweet lips. The kiss is soft and I can feel it down in my bones.
I don’t want to pull away, but when she does, I reluctantly let her. “Same for me. You ready to say good-bye?”
