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“Um...” I look down at my hand in my lap, waiting for her to continue, hanging on each word. “I’m scared someone is going to hurt him or take him from me. Prince is my life. He is the only thing that keeps me alive anymore.”
“Are you suicidal, Lana?”
My eyes fly up and bulge when they meet Dr. Moore’s stoic expression still focused on Lana.
“No, I don’t think of killing myself, but I do think of being killed. Everyday.”
I turn and look at Lana, her tears now falling, her goose bumps eating her skin, and her shoulders are beginning to shake.
“By who, Lana?” Dr. Moore implores.
“Joel.” His name sounds like acid burning in her mouth. My ears bleed at the mention of him.
“Your abusive ex-partner?”
I stare holes into the side of Lana’s face, my hands shaking. The mention of her fearing death is a whole other issue. She fears death? It’s that bad?
“Yes. He’s out there, and I think he’s just waiting for me...awaiting for me to be unguarded. What if he is and I’m with my son and he hurts him? What if he hurts my son?” She drops her head and cries, the sobs loud in the room. Dr. Moore reaches for the box of tissues as I close the gap between us, pulling her in close to my side. Lana’s freezing, her arms like ice even though the room is a comfortable temperature.
“Baby,” she whispers, crying against my ear. “Please don’t make me talk about him, please,” She begs, and my jaw tightens, torn between my wants and hers. Dr. Moore stays silent, not interrupting us.
“Lana, you have to talk about it. You can’t get better if you don’t talk about it.” I tilt my head and kiss her forehead then the tip of her nose.
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. I’m right here, Lana. I have you,” I reassure her, the button of her nose between my lips as I kiss it over and over again.
Her fist grips my black tee. My little angel is scared, and it makes me realize what a fucking dick I’ve been today.
“Lana, is Joel in contact with you?” Dr. Moore finally takes back the conversation, and Lana’s brown eyes beg mine, looking like a lost child. I nod, squeezing her, keeping her tucked into my side. She nods back and refocuses on the therapist.
“No, he stopped contacting me a few weeks before our son was born.”
“So why are you afraid of him all of a sudden?”
Lana shakes her head. “I never stopped. I just had bars to keep me safe before. Now I don’t.”
“Do you feel, since you’ve had a son, that fear is amplified?”
“Yes, my son is everything to me. He is the only one who loves me. He is the only thing that gives me purpose.”
She hurts me with those words. I try and stay calm, not wanting to react when she is this vulnerable yet forthcoming.
“What about Kingston?”
Lana shakes her head. “Kingston is a great man and has provided for our son and stepped up as a father when he didn’t have to. But, I don’t blame him for wanting out...for falling out of love with me.”
I go to open my mouth to fight her, but then something happens. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what I feel anymore. Holy fucking shit. Do I still love her?
“Kingston, do you love Lana still?”
“I love her, yes, but I don’t know how to stay in love if this is what our life is going to be like. I don’t see how I can.” I feel her chest cave as she cries, my words crushing her. If only she knew what they did to me when I said them.
Dr. Moore attempts to ask Lana how she feels about that, but she doesn’t answer, only continuing to cry.
We all stay quiet for a long while; the only sound is Lana’s cries and both our hearts breaking. The clock announces the end of our thirty-minute session, the buzz making us both jolt. That went by faster than I was anticipating.
“That is all the time we have, but we will meet back up next week.”
