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I nod and untangle from Lana, needing the space to collect myself after what I just said. I admitted I’m falling out of love with Lana. I can’t believe we’re here, that I’m capable of feeling this way.
Grabbing my coat, I watch a damaged Lana put on her jacket, her sunken eyes turning black with exhaustion rings. The darkness that has consumed our lives has affected us more than emotionally. We physically wear our pain, and it feels as though we will never be free from it, that our destiny is a paved road of never-ending let downs and misery.
I watch the passing trees being doused in water from the heavy downpour hitting Seattle on this gloomy day. The dark clouds stand out to me more than the green of the trees, because I feel lifeless. Therapy was harder than what I expected. I faced barely any of my past, but it felt like a riptide dragged me under, and we haven’t even touched the surface on all the fucked up shit inside me.
Worst part of it all, though, was Kingston admitting to falling out of love with me. I’ve lost my biggest battle yet. I succumbed to my demons and lost my best friend. Is this what it feels like to be unloved? My heart weighs heavy in my con-caved chest, my head burning, my spine weak, and my soul demolished.
We haven’t said a word to each other since we left, and it’s been the most deafening ride yet. My phone vibrates in the cup holder, and I drag my eyes from the scenery outside my window and look at Kingston before I grab the cell. He’s focused on driving, coming to a slow stop as we hit traffic on the outskirts of the city on our way back to the suburbs.
Sdog: Look at me and Monkey! We miss you!
I load the picture, and when it pops up, I smile for the first time today. Shayla is lying on the floor, and Prince is atop her belly, his green eyes wide. He looks fascinated, most likely by his face on the screen. Shayla has a huge smile on her flawless face, making my insides turn to jealous mush. I haven’t attempted to look anything other than a busted mess on a Monday morning in ages, and the image in the mirror this morning even had me shuddering.
Me: You guys look like you’re having fun. Me and Kings are on our way there. We’re stuck in traffic. :(
Sdog: Yay! Hey, what do you say you and I go to dinner tonight? I miss you, Lana.
I have neglected Shayla, our boutique, my relationship with Kingston, all of it the past few months. The only person I have taken time to spoil is our son.
Me: I don’t know. Today was a rough one, and I want to spend some time with Monkey tonight. Rain check?
I feel guilty, but the guilt doesn’t outweigh the relief I feel when I think of spending the night with my son.
Sdog: Yeah, sure, rain check :D
I know she’s biting her tongue. No text can hide that, but she lets me off the hook this time.
“I’m gonna have some drinks with Trey tonight. What are you and Bubba gonna do?” Kingston distracts me. It’s awkward; we don’t know what we are, if we’re staying together, if we’re broken up, if I need to go left and him right. It’s all dangling in the air.
“I think we’re just gonna chill at home. I have to do some things for our online store, so just Mommy and Monkey time.” I feel the familiar feeling of jealousy creep in at the mention of him going out tonight without me. Except this time it’s far more potent, given he just dropped a bombshell on me.
“Sounds like fun. I shouldn’t be out too late. We’re celebrating a new client we took on.”
I nod. “Yeah, that’s good. You guys seem busy.” I don’t know what to say, and it’s as if I’m the random girl in the back seat of a taxi.
I itch to voice my insecurities about tonight, but that itch stays unscratched. I have no rights to Kingston anymore. I broke him, broke our bond.
“Yeah, we are.”
We fall silent again, and I occupy the rest of my time in the car with him by staring at the scenery. I just want to go home and go to sleep.
“Bye-bye, Bubba. Daddy will be home later, and then tomorrow we will spend all day together.” Kingston is on all fours, hovering over Prince as he lies on the plush rug of our living room o
n his favorite elephant blanket. When his little feet get to moving all excitedly, we both can’t help but look at each other and smile. We have the cutest son in the world.
“All right, be good to Mama and eat some good Mommy milk tonight. Got it, bud?” He curls Prince’s hand into a fist then brings his down gently and they connect. After a few more seconds of bonding, he stands, looking toe curling handsome without his usual cap on. His hair is styled and slicked back in a crew cut, his leather jacket and worn-out blue jeans matching well with his black boots. He looks delicious, handsome, every bit of what was once mine.
I still have my makeup on and my hair down in wavy curls, my tank top and oversized sweater drowning my body. I have on thigh-high socks to keep me warm on this rainy night.
“I’ll be home in a couple hours. Call me if you need anything. Lock up the house,” He says over his shoulder, his retreating form heading out the kitchen door leading to the garage.
“Be safe.”
“Yeah.”
Just like that, he’s gone. The room feels large and empty without his presence. I wait till the sound of his truck leaves. I desperately want to call him back and beg him to talk to me, to settle my racing heart and nervous stomach. I really have no idea who the hell we are anymore, better yet, what we are.
“Goober, come here!” I distract myself and slide off the couch, crawling over to Prince. Grabbing his Safari-themed activity dome, I place it over him and watch him fawn over the giraffes and monkeys, his little arms reaching up to touch the toys. His feet get to moving, and I admire how strong and healthy he is. He has chubby legs with skin folding over his knees; he’s so chunky. His cheeks are round, and I lean in to give them raspberry kisses.
