“I knew I liked her.”
“We had a somewhat pathetic conversation that made it clear that it’s been a long time since I’ve actually had feelings for someone.”
“You know I’m not judging you, right? Like, I’ll judge you for being an unrepentant asshole, but I won’t judge you for not having a line of ex-girlfriends trailing behind you.”
“It’s funny ’cause the asshole thing doesn’t seem to be a problem for other women. Anyway, I was trying to figure out why this feels different and I was a little shocked when I figured out just how long it’s been since I had a hint of a crush.”
“Yeah?” Lily-Grace sat down on the rock where Lilah had posted up that afternoon. “How long are we talking?”
“I think I had a crush on Evie when she first got here, but I think I was trying to force something I’d felt before. The summer after eighth grade.” If his pathetic history didn’t scare Lily-Grace off, the truth that had dawned on him in the middle of the limo introductions definitely would. He watched the emotions play over Lily-Grace’s face as her lips gently parted, but nothing came out. It couldn’t get worse, he thought. Putting the final nail in the coffin seemed like the right thing to do. Perfect conditions for a clean break before anything really started, and now he had a therapist. He had something to start their session with tomorrow.
Jesse went on “I think it started before that though. I think it was third grade. When you brought yourself for show and tell, told everyone how your vitiligo made you special. Going up to the church craft fair with my mom and picking out that pink cowboy hat for your birthday. I told my mom we were cool and you should have a cool cowboy hat.”
“I still have it.” Lily-Grace laughed, her eyes glinting.
“You do?”
“Yeah. My dad moved half of my shit to the crawl space, but I was looking for some pictures of me and Jenny a few weeks ago and I found it. Sadly, it doesn’t fit anymore.”
“I’ll try and find you a new one.”
“Jesse, are you saying you’ve been secretly pining for me this whole time?”
“Pining is a strong word.”
“You ass.” She chuckled again.
“I think I had a feeling about you, being around you, and it went away when you left and I never felt it again. I didn’t realize what that feeling was or what I was feeling again, until today.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.” Jesse swallowed and squared his shoulders, like puffing up his chest would save him from the blow of rejection. She’d try to soften it with pity, but he knew it was going to hurt.
“I’m a little overwhelmed.”
And there it is,he thought. “I get it. It’s kinda why I haven’t really tried this before, with anyone. Had a feeling I would come on too strong. Well.” He let out a deep breath and tried to switch his gears back to friend mode. He’d cry like a baby after he kicked everyone out of his house. “We can get back inside. Clarissal had a tough decision to make.”
“Jesse, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m overwhelmed because this feels a little too good to be true.”
“I’m sorry?”
“When I said I was starting to like you today, that was me trying to cover my own ass. I’ve always trusted my gut in a professional sense, and friends come easily to me. Either we get along or we don’t, but I’m finally seeing how complicated matters of the heart are. I don’t mean to bring him up, but I didn’t love Dane. We were together for five years and I didn’t love him at all. I enjoyed what we had because it was easy. We had a deal and we got along well enough that I thought we were friends. But he wasn’t even that. He was just some guy.
“I feel different with you, and I don’t want to trust it because it feels easy. But it should be easy. And then I remember we have plenty to stress us out. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing with my life. Like being retired before forty sounds fun, but I’m not cut out for a life of leisure. I’m bored out of my mind, while at the same trying not to spend every moment thinking about my aging father. My only parent. And you?”
“And me.”
“Maybe off to Washington in a few months or a year.”
“Right.”
“We have plenty of hurdles, plenty to sort out, but why can’t this”—she motioned between them—“why can’t this be easy?”
“I would have gotten you that car today,” Jesse admitted, thinking of that ease. He could just picture the look on his brothers’ faces if they could hear him now. How they would clown the hell out of him, but ultimately understand. They wanted the world for Evie and Amanda, gave it to them when the ladies were cool with it. Lily-Grace stood and walked over to him. Jesse lifted his arms enough for her to wrap herself around his waist. She looked up at him with a small smile on her face.
“I still want a horse.”
“We’ll get you one this weekend.”
