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He reached for her, pulling her onto his lap. She snuggled in like the kitten he’d once called her. How long since he’d held her on his lap? How long since they’d cuddled like this? Had he been keeping her at arm’s length? Why?
How many nights had he lain on this couch instead of in their bed? He’d told himself it was because he couldn’t sleep and he didn’t want to keep her awake, but had he ever checked she was sleeping? Had he hurt her by moving away?
Of course he had.
“I’m sorry, Keira. I’m so sorry for failing you.”
“Hey. What are you talking about?” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “You haven’t failed me. You always take care of me.”
“Baby, we both know that’s not true. I watch you like a hawk because I’m scared of someone hurting you, when I’ve been hurting you. I just didn’t see it. I’ve been putting an emotional distance between us and I don’t know why.”
“I thought maybe it was because you blamed me.”
“Blamed you? Why the fuck would I blame you?” He stared at her in shock.
“It was all my fault,” she whispered. Then her hands left his and she wrapped her arms around herself. Oh, he didn’t like that. Not one bit. But could he blame her? How many nights had he left her alone to comfort herself?
Fuck. He hated himself right now.
“Baby, it was not your fault.”
“I met him first. I wanted him. I didn’t see him for what he was. I talked you into going with him.”
“Fuck.” He stood, holding her in his arms as he walked to the kitchen. He wanted to see her face as he spoke to her. They were having this out. There and then. Should have happened months ago and that was on him. But it was ending. He set her on the kitchen counter and put his arms on either side of her, his hands resting on the countertop.
“Look at me.”
She kept her gaze on her lap. Fuck . . . should he . . . he sucked in a breath. Time to take back who you are.
“Kitten, look at me now.” He used his Dom voice for the first time in what felt like forever. He’d had it beaten out of him. Been punished so many times for not being submissive enough until he’d learned to fake it. And then somewhere along the way, he’d completely lost who he was.
He was a switch. For Keira, he was her Dom. For someone else, maybe, one day, he could submit.
Nausea bubbled at the idea.
Or maybe not. He didn’t know if he had that in him anymore. And, right now, that wasn’t what was important. Keira was. And this ridiculous belief that she was to blame had to stop. He wasn’t putting up with it.
Her gaze rose to his, her surprise clear. “I haven’t . . . you haven’t called me that since—”
“I know, baby. And I’m sorry. My only excuse is . . . he messed with my head and I—” his voice broke and she shifted forward, wrapping her arms around him, comforting him when he’d meant to help her. He buried his face in her neck.
“I’m not sure how we’re
ever supposed to be normal again,” she whispered to him.
“Maybe we’re not meant to be normal. And that’s okay. As long as we’re together. As long as we love each other. As long as we can be happy.”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
He drew her back, looking into her gaze. “You are not to blame, Keira.” He shook his head as she started to speak. “No, listen to me now. If I hadn’t been attracted to him, if I hadn’t wanted to go, nothing you said would have changed my mind. We were both hurting. We were both looking for something. And we both made the mistake. If anyone’s at fault, it’s me. I didn’t protect you.”
She cupped his face between her cool hands. She always seemed to be cold now. He worried about her circulation. She had to be lacking vitamins and nutrients. He definitely needed to get her to the doctor; her health had been neglected for too long.
“It’s not your fault either. You always protect me. You couldn’t have known what would happen.”
“Neither could you.”
They stared at one another and she gave him a nod. “All right. Neither of us were at fault. That’s a breakthrough, right?”
