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I fit myself behind her and spoon her.
Fuck, this feels right.
It also feels shit, because it feels like I feel her hurt seeping out of her pores.
She turns and faces me.
“What are you doing?” she asks, groggily.
“I wanted to be close, in case you need anything,” I say, cupping her jaw. I kiss her forehead. “I’m here for you, okay? You need anything?”
She smushes her face into my chest and squirms in closer and I guess that’s my answer, so I wrap my arms around her and put my lips to the top of her head.
I start to drift, feeling like this is right. My capuchin monkey, clinging to me. Despite how sad, hurt, upset she is, this feels right – being here for her.
***
I jolt awake, realizing she’s crying. She’s crying into my chest, audibly, her sobs making her entire body buck.
I hold on tighter and keep her close.
It goes on for a long time, her clinging to me, me rubbing her back and dotting kisses all over her face.
Finally, she chokes out some broken words.
“I la-lost my mom and I couldn’t … I couldn’t mourn. I didn’t know if she’d be back, but I couldn’t because Dad would get angry if he saw me sad, so I kept it to myself. I lost Josh and I couldn’t properly mourn. Dad found out I was dating him and he got so mad because Josh was a black guy. So stupid. Dad swore he wasn’t racist, but he was – Dad hit Shane for letting it happen. Shane’s best friend died and I was mourning my first love and Dad was throwing his fists around.”
“Fuck, baby.”
“And it was like I had to hide mourning him, so I moved out. I moved out and struggled so much. I wanted to do so many things, but I couldn’t alone yet keep going to school, so I h-had to drop out of college and take shit jobs to support myself. And now… now I’m supposed to mourn Dad, and he’s not here to stop me, but how can I mourn him when I’m so angry with him for not telling us about Mom? And Shane’s in a mental hospital after being in jail and trying to kill himself, too.”
“I don’t know, baby. I don’t know how you get through all that loss.”
“Some people have nothing but loss in their lives, Austin. Some people have to just deal because that’s all there is to do. Deal.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“It’s hard to deal.”
“I’m sure it is, sweetheart.”
She looks up at me. It’s dark, but my eyes have adjusted and I can see her blinking at me.
“I’m so alone.”
Fuck, that hurts.
“I’m right here.”
“I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“I’m here for you, Jada. Right here. Anything you need.”
“You shouldn’t be,” she whispers.
“Yeah, I should.”
She stares, waiting, I guess, for me to explain.
“I’m here, baby. And I’m gonna be with you every step of the way here. And when you get through the next few days or weeks or whenever you’re ready to talk about it, I wanna talk about you and me and where this is going with us. I’m not putting it on you now. I’m just gonna tell you that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I had my head up my ass for a bit, but it’s out.”
“But you are going somewhere. You’re going back to California soon.”
I flick the lamp on.
“Jada…”
She rolls away from me abruptly, hiding her red face, her swollen eyes. “I have to tinkle.”
She sounds panicked.
53
Jada
I walk back into the bedroom after washing my face and blowing my nose. He’s lying there on his back, palms laced behind his head, eyes on the ceiling.
His eyes hit mine as I sit on the edge of the bed.
“You can go back to your bed. I’m just gonna watch some TV. I don’t wanna keep you up.”
I know how awful I look right now. Face swollen from so much crying; I don’t want him looking at me.
“We were just in the middle of a conversation, sweetheart,” he informs. “You tell me I give you nothing, but I try to talk and you don’t want to.”
“I can’t,” I say. “You would pick now to try to talk.” I roll my eyes.
He sighs. “When you’re ready, then. I’m not tryin’ to overload you.”
“Why don’t you go to your room so you can sleep properly. My tossing and turning is just gonna keep you up all night.”
“Come here.” He tugs my hand and pulls me close. “I like you sleeping on my chest.”
I can’t get used to this. I could and I won’t, because it’ll hurt too much when I no longer have it.
“It’s okay.” I try to pull away.
“You’ve had a hard day, the hardest. I can’t pretend to know what that’s like and I’m gonna try to be as gentle as I can right now in saying this, but I think I just need to say a couple things. Okay?”
