“Aw, thanks so much, guys! You look good too. I promised Jared I’d come, so here I am. Are you all excited for the summer?”
As they excitedly tell me about their plans, regret buries into my chest. Regret that I never tried to make friends and settled with what was easy. I always had an excuse not to put in the effort. I think I’ve always feared rejection from them. Keeping them at an arm’s length was the safest way to protect myself from hurt, but now looking at it, all it did was keep me isolated.
I always believed this was just how things were and that was that. Always telling myself they didn’t want to be my friend for this reason or that reason but never trying to disprove that theory. I could’ve had so many more moments like this and now I won’t.
My eyes begin to burn, and I bite my lip to keep the tears from rolling out. Ireallyhate this window where the tears flow easier.Ugh.
“Hey, Charlotte. Since school’s over and you cannot possibly tell us you’re busy all the time, do you want to come to my bonfire next weekend? We’re going to have a girl’s only night and a sleepover. Although, you don’t have to sleepover if you’re not comfortable with it.” Julie grins, her wet hair sticking on her shoulders so thickly it’s as if she has a drenched animal on them.
Wow, I can’t believe I’m getting invited to a sleepover! After constantly rejecting them, they’re still trying and being so nice about it. I should have given these humans a chance much earlier than this, but this is my moment. I’m not going to mess up this opportunity. I’m going to be brave.
“I’ll be there,” I say brightly, leaning back on my palms and kicking my feet in the water.
“Yasss. Get your phone out so we can exchange numbers. That way I can send you my address.” Sherattles off her phone number and instructs me to text her, so she has my information.
This summer might be greater than I expected after all. Excitement bubbles under the surface of my chest. My lifecanbe different than what I’ve had. I don’t have to be a loner like my mother; I can have a social group.
It’s sad I have to convince myself there’s nothing wrong with having a collection of friends. For some reason, I’ve always looked down on groups of friends, as if they weren’t strong enough to be by themselves and had to lean on other people. But that’s not the case. Those people were strong to lean on multiple people and be vulnerable with their peers. There’s no reason I can’t become one of them now. Become someone who has that group, that collection of humans they can trust more than anyone. All I have to do is keep taking these small steps in putting myself out there.
I send her the text with my information and linger in the messages, staring at Ben’s text line. Pausing, I hover for a second over it before clicking on his name and texting:
A response pings through immediately.
I love when he says, “hey, you”. It always makes me feel so special.
I laugh out loud and send a silly face emoji back.
Shit.
Saying I wish you were here is much too forward too fast. He’s going to suspect something.
Shit.
Falling back, I belly laugh out loud from hearing his caveman voice in my head. Not wanting to push my luck, I sit my phone down beside me and return to the conversation with the girls.
Of course, the biker boy on Xypher is what they’re giggling about. But this time, I gladly participate in the conversation about how hot he is, while simultaneously shoving the knowledge down of what I do to myselfduring those videos, even though I’m mad at him right now. I wonder if any of them have either.
Yikes. Ew, too far.It’s gross to think of these girls doing that. My graphic brain needs to chill.
Has he reached out to any of them as well? Is he just a player who stalks and randomly pursues all the girls who obsess over him? Most likely…
Fighting the small tinge of jealousy, I ignore my brain for a while and tune back into the party happening right in front of me.
The rest of the night flies by. The girls invite me to the humongous bathroom to change where we hang out and get dry before heading out to the bonfire setting up in the backyard.
They pull up a truck with loads of pallets tied to the back and lay ten pallets down in the middle with stacks of long wooden planks up along the sides. It’s even bigger than the bonfires held at homecoming games. We have to stay back while they make a small sand barrier to make sure it won’t spread.
The fire rages quickly, the searing heat stinging me from outside of the sand barrier. The girls and the rest of the guests start unfolding lawn chairs to relax and hang out by the fire.
Jared never told me to bring a chair, so I don’t have one. I suppose I can sit on the ground, although I’ll feel left out. I walk up next to Julie and stand there to make conversation in the meantime until I decide what to do.
“Do you have a chair, Charlie?” Julie asks.
“Oh, no. I didn’t know I was suppos—"
Jared cuts me off mid-sentence. “Here’s yours, Charlie.”
He winks and sets a huge blue rocking lawn chair down in between Julie and his. He pats the seat inviting me to sit.
