I miss the old relationship with my parents. Will things ever be the same again or will it only be a memory?
She steps through the doorway and whispers without looking back, “I love you.”
My eyes well up with tears.Will the crying ever fucking stop?
I examine myself more closely in the mirror after she shuts the door. My body appears okay except for the markings in the discernable shape of fingers—purple and blue bruises around my arms and wrists. A sorenessis present as I rotate my wrists and watch how the coloring changes under my skin. I stare at the bruises, willing them to go away.
My phone’s alarm sounds from somewhere in my room, pulling my attention away from mybody. Where the heck is it? I scour between my blankets, sheets, pillow, and dresser, until finally I drop on my knees and find it under the bed. Why’s my alarm goingoff at twelve-thirty in the afternoon on a Sunday? I never set my alarm for this late in the day. I pull it out from under my bed and see a note written for the alarm.
Aw, how cute of him to do this. I smile and swipe open my phone to text him, but it opens directly to my notes app, revealing a letter he wrote me when he must’ve set my alarm.
Another flash of Jared’s contorted face as he tried to unbutton my pants crosses my mind. I wipe the tears away and continue reading.
Heat trickles through my cheeks at his last sentence, but my chest also tightens.
Grabbing my chest and rubbing the muscles to soothe it, I lean back on my bed and close my eyes. He didn’t sleep because he wanted to make sure I didn’t have bad dreams? I’ve always known Ben and I’s friendship is something special but for him to act like this? To act this protective to this degree? He hasn’t always been this way with me. This is new. I like it and I’m grateful for it, but I’m not sure what he wants or if I can deliver what he wants.
After last night,I’m not sure how I feel about being touched by a boy again for a while. Will he ask that of me? Does he even want something with me or am I overthinking this? Maybe I’m too tainted now.
My chest tightness worsens, a heaviness settling into it. I let out a deep sigh, keeping my tears in check.
Breathe. I need to Breathe.
In….1….2…3…Out…1….2….3.
By breath five, the heaviness dissipates, and the tears settle back into their ducts.
I’ve got this. I’ve got this.
I stare at myself in the mirror after my shower, disappointed that the bruises are still there like I could’ve somehow washed them off.
I don’t got this.
How am I going to cover them? I don’t own any foundation to conceal it.
Thunder cracks outside providing me a glorious solution to the problem. The weather forecast on my phone confirms colder weather at fifty-five degrees, scattered thunderstorms and cloudiness. Perfect. I’ll wear a long-sleeved shirt and a sweatshirt to cover everything up. Easy peasy.
I painfully shrug on my favorite plain black, long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt from my junior year of cross-country along with faded blue jeans and all white tennis shoes. To top off the casual look, I throw my hair up into a wadded bun. I look at myself one last time.
Atleast my eyes are less swollen now. I took the coldest shower known to man to reset my nervous system and to attempt to get the swelling in my face to go down.
Let’s see if eyeliner does the trick to help me hide the residual puffiness. I grab the only pen of black eyeliner I own and angle my wrist to apply under my bottom lashes.
“Ouch!”
Ugh, bending my wrist upwards like that hurts.
Great.
Welp. This is as good as it’s going to get. If anyone asks, I’ll say my allergies are acting up or something.
Well, that only took an hour. I have no idea what I’m going to do until four.
I mosey to my desk and open my laptop. It’s a problem Xypher is open every time I open my laptop, but then again how’d I forget my biker boy reached out to me last night? The me who was engulfed in him seemed like eons ago, but there he was… still posting new videos, thirst traps and new seductive dances with his bike in the background. Heat and wetness begin in my core as I watch his videos, relieving me of a fear. I was worried after last night I would be too broken to get turned on, totally screwing my future relationships. Thank God I have nothing to worry about on that account.
I scroll through his videos, dissociating to the various thoughts flying across my mind.
Who is this guy?
