I ignore his heated words. “I pity them because I know they don’t believe the lies, but they tell themselves that they do, andthat’sthe biggest lie.”
Calix grabs a hold of my upper arms. “Are you even listening to me? I’m not asking you to choose one of us; they’re idiots to even think you could. I just want you to know it will change something between us.” Calix releases my arms and takes a few steps backwards. “But I don’t think you’re ready for that.” He examines me for a brief moment before turning his back on me and walking away.
I get that ugly twisting feeling in my belly again. Only now, I think I know what it is—it’s fear. I hate that watching him walk away from me instills that panic in me. I ball up my fists, determined to keep myself from reaching out to him.
Chapter 18
After giving myself a few minutes to calm down, I head up to my bedroom. I need time to decompress. Calix may not realize it, but something inside of me has already changed. Watching him walk away from me was fucking hard. I haven’t felt the need to beg someone to stay in so very long. How could I give them that power over me?
My mind conjures up the last time I saw my parents. I was nine, and even though I knew my mother hated me, I begged her not to leave me when she dropped me off at boarding school. It was right after I accidently killed my teacher. I think she somehow knew I did it, or she suspected, at the very least.
She and my father never once promised to return for me. At least they did me the favor of not lying. They didn’t even show up for my graduation. I had a meeting with their lawyer a few days prior, explaining how my trust worked. He made it perfectly clear I wasn’t to contact them. Not that I ever would have anyway.
I dig my fingernails into my thighs to bring myself out of those thoughts. Thank goodness for the leather pants, or my nails probably would have cut the hell out of my legs.
“What a crock of shit,” I spit. I’m angry at myself for even letting the thought of them sticking around soften me. I’ve been telling myself this entire time not to get attached, but look what I’ve fucking gone and done, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. Now I’m sitting here, wondering if Gunnar is alright, where Grim has taken off to, and I can’t even think about Calix right now. I know he’s still here—my senses are even more aware of him after our make out session.
I need to get them to leave me alone before I do something really dumb and desperate, such as let them know how much power they have over me. I’m not able to control myself around them. Whether it’s the bond or just my own idiocy, I can’t really say, but I do know they’re dangerous.
With jerky movements, I unlace my pants and roll them over my hips before kicking them off into the corner, my bra gets removed right after. I need a shower and a lobotomy—at the very least, I need to build my walls back up. I had no idea they had already begun to crumble.
I’m scrubbing my scalp, probably a little too hard, when I sense Grim’s portal opening. He’s not in the bathroom with me, but he’s damn close. A wave of sins wafts through the air, but it’s not even the least bit tempting. My stomach actually rebels at the thought of consuming anything.
I quickly finish up my shower, I need to have a very important conversation about boundaries while I still have some resolve.
I’m not trying to be quiet when I walk downstairs, but I think Gunnar and Calix are too deep in conversation to notice me, or should I say arguing too damn much to hear me.
“You think I’m going to accept your word? You’re an animal, for Christ sake,” Gunnar spits.
“I don’t care what you think about me,” Calix growls. “I’m telling you she’s cut herself off from any emotion, and if we push her too hard, too fast, we’ll lose her. Not one of us, all of us.” I want to argue that I haven’t, but I keep my mouth shut.
“And how did you come to this conclusion?” Grim inquires.
“Go upstairs and hug her, not kiss her, not try to have sex, but connect with her. Try talking to her about a relationship.” I hold my breath at Calix’s words. There is no way that’s happening.
“I don’t see what you’re getting at,” Gunnar declares. I can just imagine him standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and his face in a scowl, the scars making him look even more fierce.
“Because you have the emotional maturity of a thirteen-year-old,” Calix snaps.
I hear one heavy footfall. “Don’t move, Berserker,” Grim threatens, his tone icy. “Damiana said no more fighting, you will listen.” I hear some mumbled words, but Gunnar doesn’t argue.
“Listen…” Calix forces some calmness into his voice. “She’s more than willing to take us to bed, but nothing else.”
“Did you fuck her?” Gunnar’s voice is low and unruffled, but I sense a dark undertone.
“I could have, but I wanted her to know I want more from her, and she…” Calix curses under his breath. “She looked fucking terrified.”
Gunnar snorts. “That’s just her reaction to you, Nemean.”
“You push her, you’ll lose her, and both of you need to get over this shit with her picking one of us. If you think she could do it, then you should just go find someone else to bond to. It’s not a fucking choice, you morons,” Calix argues.
“I won’t do it. She can pick,” Gunnar states.
I step out from behind the wall. Calix is the first to see me, his lips tightening into a thin line. “He’s right.” Gunnar spins around when I speak, I can’t believe I actually surprised him. “I don’t have any issue picking. I don’t want any of you.”
I have no problem sensing the huge lie from my own lips. I wonder if it will leave a mark, and if it does, will Grim see it? I still have so many unanswered questions, but not one of them is worth having my black heart ripped out. I can’t believe the cursed thing is still in there beating, but this is proof it can still work. I need to protect what’s left of it before I really turn into a monster.
Grim is still cloaked in his robe. He makes an imposing figure, but I’m still not afraid of him, only what he could do to me. Gunnar takes a step forward as if he may reach out to me, but I cut my eyes to him and dare him to try. Berserker or not, I’ll rip his fucking arm off and beat him with it if he tries to touch me. He takes a step back.
