I go to respond, but he quiets me. “Shh. I don’t need you to say anything. I know how you feel about me. I just want you to hear me when I tell you that I will love you for the rest of my life, pretty bird. Go to sleep.”
I close my eyes and I feel the burn of tears building behind them. Something in the way he spoke to me tonight, touched me, felt like a goodbye. Like an acceptance on his part that I may not be strong enough to let him love me. But tonight, tonight I can. I let him hold me, console me, heal me. In the way only he can.
***
The next morning, another note was left for me on Ev’s pillow.
I’m so fucking proud of you, Leo.
You’re the strongest person I know.
I’ve decided, forget culinary school.
I want to be you when I grow up.
Come down when you’re ready.
I’m waiting for you.
I’ll always wait for you.
– Ev
Sunday, after I eat breakfast, I head into Mill’s. Ev has an errand to run, so he drops me off.
“Good morning, Ski.” I greet the old man with a smile.
“Well lookee here. Leora, you’re shining.”
I smile and look at my toes. “Am not. You’re seeing things, old man.” But I can’t even deny that I feel different. It’s crazy what sleeping soundly and feeling safe can do to a person.
“Hmm. I’m old, but I’m not that old.”
I put my black half apron on and begin setting up for the day. Weigh out my espresso beans to calibrate the machine. Refill the grinder, start the drip coffee, and make sure the fridge is stocked up front as well as in back.
Then I make myself and Ski a Leo and wait for our first customer.
“Are you being safe?”
I am not under any circumstances talking about sex with Ski. That’s a resounding heck no. And a heck no to being safe…damn.
“No comment.”
He just shakes his head and chuckles to himself.
“Okay, okay. I know you don’t want to talk about that with me. But I also know you don’t have anyone else, so just know, if you have questions or need anything, you can come to me.”
I look over at him. I hadn’t even realized that he was right. Most girls have moms or at least girlfriends to talk about this stuff with. Because I’ve never had it, I guess I forgot to miss it. All I have is Ev and Ski and maybe Gage too. And that’s all I need. That and birth control.
I give him a reassuring smile and nod. Hopefully he can see that I will, if I need to. I was actually thinking this morning that I need to talk to Ev about getting on birth control. I don’t know how to go about that since I don’t have insurance and I don’t want to tell my mom. Maybe the school nurse can help me find resources? I make a note to see her after break. Until then, Ev and I need to be extra careful. I would propose abstinence until then, but let's be honest, that’s not happening. So condoms it is.
A few hours later, the bell dings and Ev and Gage walk through the door. And for the millionth time, I take note of how flawless Everett is. He is in a pair of khaki jeans and that brown sweater I love. He has a white tee under it, just poking out from the neckline, and he is wearing his letterman on this cold November day. His wavy golden hair is tucked away under a Red Socks baseball cap. I have to force myself to stay still, when all I want to do is jump into his arms. Knowing he will catch me and kiss me into oblivion.
“Hi.”
He is looking at me like I own his world. Maybe I do, because he sure owns mine. More than that, he is my universe.
“Hi. A Leo?” I ask a little shyly.
