The nausea.
The heightened emotion.
The peeing every thirty minutes.
When was my last period?
With everything that has happened, I didn’t even realize.
I was supposed to start last week.
Ihaven’t brought myself to take a pregnancy test yet. I know what it will say. But once I take the test, that will make it real.
I still haven’t started my period, and the nausea has gotten worse. My breasts are so sore that every time Ev bites at them or grabs them, I have to try to stop him without making him suspicious. I don’t want him to think I don’t like it anymore. But damn it hurts.
The last month, I have been different. I know I have. He knows I have. But my nerves are eating me alive. I don’t know what we are going to do. A baby changes everything. Every plan we had needs a rewrite. I know I need to tell him. I know he will be there for me, but a small part of me worries that he won't. Those pesky demons from my past making an unwelcome appearance. I worry that I have already derailed so many of his plans that this will push him over the edge. It will be too much.
Before him, I never thought of being a mother, and after him, I knew I wanted to have his children. But not now. Not yet.
He asks me every day if I’m okay, and every day I tell him I am, even when internally, I am fighting my biggest battle. I can see in hiseyes that he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t push. He is patient with me. As he always has been.
When his voice isn’t getting through, he uses our notes.
Pretty bird,
You’re running from me.
Maybe not physically, but your mind is miles away.
But don’t worry. I’ll catch you. I always do.
When you’re ready, I’ll be here.
I’m waiting for you, beautiful.
– Ev
My reply to that one was simple.
I’ll come to you.
When I’m ready.
Give me time.
– Leo
But when nothing changed and I still couldn’t bring myself to face our truth, another note came.
My Leora,
You're running further and further from me.
Did I do something?
Was it my parents?
Don’t let them put doubt into your head.
