I take the note out of the envelope, and the tears flow before I even read the first line.
Hello,
I’m not sure how to start a letter like this, written to someone who means so much to me in so many ways. I love you, but we can’t be together. We can’t ever work. Despite our history, you and I are nothing alike. I used to try to imagine my future with you, and for a while I was able to, but things are different now. What you want out of life is not what I want. I would be miserable, and that would make you miserable. I just can’t live a life like that. Now I see that this is my chance of a future that I want. I can’t let this opportunity pass me by, or I’ll regret it.
I’m sorry to do this to you. I know that in many ways you have depended on me, counted on me, but I can’t live a lie. I don’t want the future that I would be forced to have if I stayed with you.
Please, let's end this peacefully. Don’t reach out and try to change my mind. It’s made up. Take care of yourself. Maybe one day we will see each other again, but for now I think it’s best if we cut ties and move on with our lives.
– Everett
The tears that fall are never ending. As if I meant nothing. As if we, our baby and I, mean nothing. He didn’t even mention him.
My heart shatters in my chest, and I physically feel like my ribs are collapsing in on my hummingbird heart. Caging her. Burning her to ashes.
He made me believe I could fly.
But then he let me crash and burn.
He didn’t catch me.
I fold the letter and stuff it into my pocket. Then I look down at the check, the thin piece of paper that holds so much weight, and I leave it.
That’s the cost of my heartbreak. Five hundred dollars.
The thought crosses my mind. What is the point in all of it? What is the point in suffering as I have? Never being good enough. Never being loved. I thought he loved me. I thought… It doesn’t matter what I thought. What do I know, though? I know I have a child growing in me that I will love like no one has ever loved me. I need to be strong for him.
Him.
Our son.
No.
Myson.
I know in my bones it's a boy. I don’t know how I do, but I know he needs me. And I, him.
I allow myself to break. One. More. Time. After this, my heart will be no more. It will belong to one boy, our—myson.
Then I stand. Take a deep breath. Grab my go bag from the office. My old coffee can of money I’ve saved and all of Ev’s notes. And hand Ski my apron and the cell phone Gage gave me.
“It’s time, Ski. I need to go. I’ll be safe.”
His eyes are filled with worry. I know he is breaking with me. There is a finality in my tone. My actions. He knows as much as I do that this will be the last time we see each other, for awhile at least. But he doesn’t try to stop me, doesn’t try to reason with me, because he knows that I need to do this.
"Happy Birthday Leora. Take care of yourself, and if you need me…"
"I know where to find you." I finish for him.
I wrap my arms around him, and he wraps me in a bear hug. "Thank you, Ski. For everything."
And then?
I run.
And run.
And run.
