‘Of course I don’t.’ At once he was right back with her, and he raised a shoulder. ‘I’m fine, or at least I think I am. I guess now I really do have to grow up and find something sensible to do.’
‘Sensible, you?’ She nudged his leg with her foot. ‘This I’m looking forward to. The band has been ten years of your life; it’ll take time to get used to being without it.’
‘I think I’m ready, though. I never imagined it would last this long. I only planned to do one tour, and then we just kept going.’
Cassie didn’t know the full story of why he’d suddenly abandoned his modelling career and joined his dad’s band, the only non-original member after their first drummer passed away. Raf had shared most things with Ewan, and she guessed that Ewan had known the reason and had kept his confidence. Pippa had suggested it was something to do with the end of a serious relationship, but even she hadn’t known all the details.
‘I always thought my life would be different.’ His smile was a reflective one, long fingers toying with his glass.
‘Different how?’
‘Not this.’ He raised a hand to the pool, the beach, the ocean beyond it. ‘A different view every week, another hotel room, another city. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been incredible and such a buzz, and I’ve been so lucky to be a part of it. But yeah, I’m going to kick back for a while, think about what’s next.’
‘I think that’s a good idea,’ she told him quietly. ‘You know you’re always welcome to come and stay with us.’
She almost went to refute her offer as soon as she’d made it. He had access to the London flat and the Norfolk beach cottage, which was his. He hardly needed to squash in her spare room.
‘Thanks, Cass. I’d like that. It would be good to spend more time with Isla and Rory. And Pippa’s asked me to stay with them.’
‘And will you?’
‘Probably. I quite like the idea of becoming a country gent.’
They shared a grin, and she was thinking how he was such easy and familiar company. There was a simplicity to their being together that didn’t always need words. They’d sometimes squabbled as children, but he’d always been there for her. Her parents’ marriage had been notorious, and her father had often been in the press. Cassie had never forgotten the day when a creepy photographer had followed her from home in search of more scandal. Raf had spotted him, came roaring across the street and tipped the bloke into a hedge. It was only some very fast talking by Jonny and a solicitor that had kept him out of serious trouble.
Even during those later teenage years, she’d been aware of Raf’s girlfriends coming and going, the abundance of natural charm he’d possessed from an early age, so like Jonny’s. But before then he had been chronically shy, and speech therapy had followed counselling. He’d gradually overcome a stammer by adopting a version of himself, a character everyone expected from a boy who looked as he did, with a rock star for a father. Cassie understood it was a means of hiding Raf’s true self, a man who kept the grief of losing his mum so young close to his heart, and one who didn’t often let strangers in. It had carried him through years of modelling and a decade of drumming for a world-famous band, and kept some of the adulation which came with it at bay.
On stage he was confident and exuberant, wild at times, and the fans, new and old, adored him. A self-taught musician, he was desperate not to be seen as riding on the coattails of his dad’s success, or that his place in the band was purely down to nepotism. He spent time alone in Norfolk, finding the space to unwind and settle back into a more ordinary life, writing music he refused to share with anyone because he always said it wasn’t good enough. And so those crazy thoughts she’d had about him in the pool this morning had no place here; he was her dear and trusted friend. And more than that, he was Ewan’s friend.
‘I’d like to see more of my niece too, if Harriet can make time for her aged uncle.’
She laughed; he was very far from the picture those two words had painted. Her nod was understanding; life was also like that for Isla and Rory. They went from one activity to the next, and sometimes Cassie wondered if it was too much. But those thoughts were soon followed by ones about having too much time to think, to dwell on their loss. Christmas would arrive in little more than a month, and they would be spending it as usual in Galloway with Ewan’s parents.
‘Pippa would love having you in Hartfell. Not that I envisage you tramping around the Dales in walking boots and taking up bird watching.’
‘No?’ Raf eased out long legs and rolled his shoulders. He’d disappeared for a workout when they’d returned from their hike, maintaining the fitness he needed to perform. ‘Maybe I’ll surprise you.’
‘You always do.’ She stood up, suddenly restless, and put her glass on the table. She crossed the deck to lean on the railings surrounding the pool, staring out over the ocean. She’d swum while he’d been working out and had slipped a short cotton dress over her bikini, a gentle spring breeze warm on her skin. The last rays of the sun glittered on the water, light bouncing from one to the other, and she let the beauty hold and soothe her.
‘What are you thinking?’ He joined her, resting his arms beside hers. Cassie caught sight of the flower tattoos representing the three children he loved, and something tugged at her heart.
‘Oh, just the usual,’ she replied lightly. ‘Wishing I could hold this moment still and keep us here forever. Not go back to London and all the messy life stuff. I suppose holidays always make us feel like this because we never want them to end.’ She paused. ‘But it’s not normal life and I know we have to go home.’
‘We could come back, if you love it so much.’
‘That’s a wonderful thought, thank you,’ she said wistfully. ‘But right now I think I’d love anywhere that took me away from my own life for a bit. And it’s never the same when you go back. I’m not sure you can ever recapture the magic of seeing a place for the first time.’
Unbidden, tears came, as they often still did. She hid her face, not wanting Raf to think she was unhappy here, because it was the most like happiness she’d felt in months.
‘Hey, come here.’ His hands went to her shoulders to turn her, and he opened his arms. Cassie hesitated before stepping into his embrace. He was so familiar and kind, and in bare feet, the top of her head fit snugly under his chin.
‘Sorry.’ She sniffed, the press of the silver cross on his chest cool against her cheek.
‘Don’t be.’ His hands were smoothing a circle on her back. ‘There’s no timescale to tell you if you’ll ever stop missing him and when it’s supposed to get better. You’re doing so great, and the kids are incredible, a total credit to you both.’
‘Thank you. It’s lovely of you to say so.’ She tipped her head back and the tears almost began again at the understanding in his gaze. ‘I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for us. I don’t just mean this house and the tour, but being there for us. Talking to Rory about missing his dad and helping him find a way through, taking him out on the bike. I don’t think I could bear him riding it at all if it wasn’t with you. Making us laugh, sharing stories and memories we’d forgotten, keeping Ewan present in our lives. It means so much, especially when I know you love and miss him too.’
‘I’ll always be there for you, Cass, no matter what. That’s a promise.’
