Sunlight was bouncing off the water and she rested a cheek on her knee, trying to cling onto the peace and clarity she’d felt in the sea. If only she could let it carry her family’s burden of grief far away, to a place it could trouble them no more. When Raf wasn’t with her, everything was simpler. But when he was this near, the heat of his body so close, she wanted only one thing. A wave of guilt swiftly followed at the wish to lose herself in the pleasure she’d found in their kiss, to allow a repeat.
‘I’m sorry about this morning, snapping at you about getting a dog.’ It had bothered Cassie on the drive up, parting on a bad note when she hadn’t expected to see him again so soon. ‘I know you were only trying to help.’
‘Hey, it’s okay. I get it. And it’s your decision, whatever you want to do.’ His low voice was every bit as disturbing as his touch, and she rushed on.
‘I was still uptight after launching straight into panic mode when I realised Rory was missing.’ It was impossible not to recall the fear and that she’d automatically assumed the worst. ‘I will think about getting a dog. I don’t want to get their hopes up yet, though, not until I’ve worked out how we’ll manage.’
‘That sounds great. They’d love it.’ Raf sighed and she sensed him shifting, stretching out long legs, pale grey suede Nikes dusted with sand. ‘We go back so far here, don’t we? You, me and Ewan.’
‘More than half of our lives. Sometimes I feel as though mine has been divided in two. The one with Ewan and the one after him.’
‘Cass, I’m sorry,’ he said quietly. ‘If there’s anything…’
‘You already do so much for us. I know you love and miss him too.’ She swallowed, holding on to tears. ‘I’m sorry sometimes I forget that. Until we lost Ewan, I didn’t really think about what he meant to everyone else. We all have different memories, a different story.’
‘Yeah. Exactly that. It was the same with my mum. To us she was just our mum and we loved her, but she was so much more. She was the calm in my dad’s storm.’
Cassie tilted her head and stole a glance. ‘Do you think about her a lot?’
‘Every day.’ He raised a shoulder. ‘That’s one of the reasons I want to stay close to Isla and Rory. I know what they’re going through.’
‘Thank you. It means the world, and I so appreciate it,’ she said softly. ‘Even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. I’m sorry you went through it too.’
‘I know. Thanks.’
She stilled as he reached across, gentle fingers smoothing wet hair from her face. He removed his hand just as quickly, leaving her longing for more. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to say goodbye to this place.’ She sniffed. ‘Sorry, I have so much to be thankful for and I don’t mean to be ungrateful.’
‘It’s fine. Me neither, and you’re not. I hate hearing you apologise for stuff that’s not your fault. You think that leaving here feels like we’re leaving Ewan behind?’
‘Yes. Rory said the same. It sort of gets easier and harder all at once. Every day we get a bit better at finding a way to live without him.’
‘I don’t think that’s a bad thing. We all need to find a way through grief when it comes, and trying to cling on to life as it was before won’t change where you are now.’
‘It’s just this is where he grew up, where we all did, really.’ She rested her chin on bent knees, arms wrapped around her legs as she stared at the water. ‘And it feels like the end of my dream because we’ll never live here now Fiona and Gordon are leaving too.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Raf’s hand was gentle, brief, on her shoulder. ‘Whenever it came up, Ewan always said it was never the right time. That he wasn’t ready to give up everything he’d achieved to move back here.’
‘I suppose he did see it as giving up,’ she said sadly. ‘Whereas I imagined it being a better life. One where he wasn’t so busy and we had more time for the kids, and each other.’
Anxiety flared in her mind as Cassie wondered if she dared ask Raf a question. Maybe there was no harm in sharing something so secret now. But admitting her marriage hadn’t been perfect wasn’t easy, and she’d clung to the best parts of their life together as a means of keeping Ewan close. There was so much that had been wonderful, and those who loved him best didn’t need to know how fraught her marriage had been at times. She took a deep breath.
‘Did Ewan ever tell you about America, and the job offer he’d had? I thought he might have done.’
‘He never said anything to me.’ Raf’s exhale was a rapid one and she felt the weight of his stare. ‘Are you saying he planned to move to the States? Seriously?’
‘We never managed to resolve it, but he wanted to go.’ Cassie thought back. ‘Two weeks before the accident, he was approached about an opportunity at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Boston. It was only supposed to be for a year, but I was struggling to see how we could make it work, with school and my job, plus his parents. Ewan was so excited, and he kept saying how it might lead to other opportunities and we could go anywhere. Anywhere except here, it seemed. I thought Galloway was our dream, and I finally realised then it was just mine. He said he couldn’t practise here, that it would be too stifling and he’d get bored. For me it was the first place I truly felt I was home after London and how my parents were.’
‘Cassie, were the two of you having problems?’ Raf ground out the question, his voice hollow with shock.
‘No, not really.’ She covered her face with her hands, the sigh slipping free. ‘Nothing we wouldn’t have worked out. We loved each other. You know how I feel about Fiona and Gordon, and the thought of being close to them was so comforting. Ewan didn’t really get it; he said they were perfectly fine and I’m not sure he ever envisaged a day when they’d need more from us. Looking back, I can see that whenever we were here, Ewan was always ready to leave, while I wanted to stay forever. I felt safe here, that I could keep Isla and Rory safe too.’
‘Oh, Cass.’
She tensed as Raf shifted to slide an arm around her, pulling her gently into his side until her head rested on his shoulder. Perhaps it would be okay, and they could relearn what they had been before. She hated the stiltedness between them since their kiss, that she needed a barrier to keep her feelings buried. Now every hug or shared smile seemed layered with something different, something that felt dangerous and desirable. Cassie let him hold her, leaning into his comfort and friendship.
‘Please don’t ever mention this to the kids, or Fiona and Gordon,’ she told him fiercely. ‘I don’t want to upset them or have their memories of Ewan blurred by suspecting he and I weren’t always on the same page.’ At times she’d felt like a buffer between him and the children, fending off their pleas for a dog because Ewan always said no, the time never quite right.
‘Promise.’ Raf’s cheek was against her hair, a hand idly stroking her arm. His soaked T-shirt clung to her body, and the tremble in her limbs had nothing to do with the cold. ‘Does Pippa know?’
