Raf walked with Cassie to gather her things after she’d taken his T-shirt off. His eyes never left hers as she replaced it with her dress and he pulled it back on, the damp fabric clinging to his chest. They strolled back through the woodland as the last of the light slipped into darkness, and feeling thankful for his friendship, her hand found his. He threaded his fingers between hers, holding them tightly before they separated at the house. She wasn’t quite sure what that gesture meant, but she wasn’t ready for her family to notice and have to attempt to explain it.
Fiona and Gordon leapt up and hugged Raf in turn, exclaiming their pleasure that he’d made the journey. Cassie pleaded tiredness with a busy and emotional day ahead, and escaped, her thoughts caught on Raf’s revelation about his life on the beach. Her bedroom had been Ewan’s growing up, and tomorrow she and Fiona would be emptying it. How much of a life to save when someone has gone, she pondered, and how much to send away? What more should she keep from this treasured home and carry with her into the future? Where did she even begin to decide?
But she wasn’t alone on this journey. So many people loved and understood her, and her family would be okay. In bed after saying good night to Isla and Rory, she picked up her journal. It was difficult to pin down her feelings, and she settled on a mix of gratitude and love for her family and friends, and hope for the future while acknowledging the sadness of the move. Of Raf, she made no mention, other than he was here to share in the coming goodbye. She had no need to write more about him; those words were fixed in her heart and belonged only to her.
In the morning Gordon was at his usual spot at the Aga, Isla and Rory already tucking into a full Scottish breakfast. Fiona arrived back with the dogs, who bounded up to Cassie, and she laughingly apologised for not joining their usual early-morning walk. Raf appeared, and they shared a greeting which she hoped didn’t reveal anything of their conversation last night. She thanked Gordon for the plateful he set before her, half listening to Rory making plans with Raf to ride later. Raf thanked Gordon for his own breakfast, and her father-in-law disappeared to speak with the solicitor about the completion of the sale tomorrow, which was when the removal company was due. When he’d finished eating, Rory got up and stuck his phone under Fiona’s nose as she wiped the dogs’ bowls clean.
‘Look how massive he is, Granny! Dorothy said he’s a gentle giant who doesn’t know how big he actually is.’
Cassie realised he was talking about Flynn, the endearing Irish wolfhound they’d met at Dorothy’s over the weekend. She’d thought of him herself since then, recalling his quiet calm and the friendly way he’d greeted them. She’d deliberately not said anything more to Rory, not wanting any mention to raise her son’s hopes about having a dog at home, especially one that size. One day she’d find a way, just as soon as she learnt what was going on at work and how it might impact her family. Perhaps she shouldn’t wait too long to have their own dog; the perfect time might never arrive, and she didn’t want to miss the chance and add it to her regrets. She smiled at Rory when he came to sit next to her, smoothing a hand over his hair.
‘Can I ride down to the village?’ He turned a hopeful face on hers. ‘But it’s okay if not. I can go with you or Raf later.’
Cassie felt the heaviness of regret like a shudder running through her. How much of her own fear was she planting into his mind? That was the last thing her children needed to carry as well as everything else, and he was thirteen now, officially a teenager. ‘That’s fine,’ she said gently, loving the pleasure rushing into his expression. ‘Two rules, okay? Always wear your helmet and don’t leave home until your phone’s fully charged. Actually, three rules. Always let someone know where you’re going and when you’ll be back.’
‘Okay!’ He shot out of his chair and the dogs leapt from their baskets to follow. ‘Thanks, Mum, love you.’
‘Love you too,’ she called after his retreating back. ‘Rule number four, don’t ride on a full stomach, yeah? That’s more of an advisory, Rory, but trust me, it makes sense.’
Isla was excused from helping pack because their rooms were almost done. She disappeared upstairs to revise for her upcoming exams online with Harriet, and Cassie loaded the dishwasher while Fiona put the kettle on.
‘Let’s have another cup of tea before we get started,’ she said brightly. Cassie caught her swiping away a tear and crossed the room. ‘Och, don’t mind me.’ Fiona tried to laugh as they embraced. ‘It’s just the last time Gordon will ever stand at that old Aga, cooking breakfast. Thousands, he must’ve made over the years.’
The two women separated, and Cassie saw that Raf had got up to make the tea instead. Everyone teased him for his lack of domestic skills and the everyday tasks he hadn’t needed to bother with, travelling to festivals and stadiums all over the world with others taking care of the details. His hand found its way to Fiona’s shoulder as he fetched milk from the fridge.
‘So tell me about this dating app you’ve signed up for, Cassie.’ Fiona’s tone was bright as they settled around the table with mugs. ‘I’ve been looking forward to hearing how you’re getting on.’
A scarlet heat filled Cassie’s face so swiftly it felt as though her scalp was blushing too. She was aware of Raf casually waking up his phone, flicking a finger to scroll. The only reason she’d even mentioned the bloody app to Fiona was because she couldn’t bear to keep a secret from her when it came to potentially dating someone new. She didn’t need Fiona or Gordon’s approval to move on with her life, but she wasn’t about to do anything that might upset them or have them believe she’d left Ewan behind entirely.
‘I’ve been desperate to ask if you’ve found a match yet.’ Fiona lowered her voice as she leant in. ‘I didn’t want to say anything in front of Isla and Rory.’
‘Nothing yet.’ Cassie almost didn’t recognise the high pitch of her reply and hastily cleared her throat. ‘I haven’t really been looking, I’ve only set up a profile so far. And I might not even carry on. I was just…’ What? How to end that sentence with the truth, when she’d only joined to place a barrier between her and Raf. A sign that he wasn’t anything more than a friend in her life. ‘I’m not really sure I’m ready to date again. I suppose I was just seeing what was out there.’ Like furniture perhaps, or a new car. Not a potential life partner who could even begin to understand her circumstances.
‘Well, there’s no rush, and I think it’s a good idea. Don’t you agree, Raf?’ Fiona said blithely.
He looked up and nodded shortly, turning a blank gaze on Cassie. ‘Sure, why not? If that’s what you want.’
‘I’m sure the right person will come along eventually, and we wish you well, darling, of course we do.’ Fiona placed a hand over Cassie’s. ‘We want to see you happy again with someone, and you deserve the best.’
‘Thank you,’ she said faintly. ‘I’m so grateful for your support. And if I ever do find a match, you’ll be the first to know.’ Pippa’s new artist Jago Lynch hadn’t wasted any time in looking her up, and yesterday she’d accepted the follow request she’d received through her professional networking platform.
Rory reappeared, ready for his ride, and Cassie was relieved to escape any more questions as she went out to wave him off. Indoors again, she trudged upstairs to begin the process of dismantling her bedroom. A knock came a few minutes later, and she opened it to Fiona. They’d agreed to clear it together, and she was thankful not to have to confront the memories it contained by herself.
‘Right, well, we’d better get on,’ Fiona said briskly, the tightness around her lips suggesting the smile was a slightly forced one. ‘There’s a box of Ewan’s belongings in the dining room for you to look over. School reports, medals from athletic meets, that sort of thing. I wasn’t sure you’d want to keep any.’
‘Maybe I could take some home with us,’ Cassie suggested. ‘It would be nice for Isla and Rory to remember his achievements later on.’
His kilt already had pride of place in Rory’s wardrobe at home. Gordon wore the shabby waxed jacket Ewan had left here to walk the dogs, and it would be making the move with them. It took two hours to go through everything, and Cassie sank on the bed when it was done, staring at the results. One small box for Fiona and Gordon, and a bigger one for Isla and Rory, packed with memories of their dad as a boy.
When she headed downstairs, Rory had returned from his ride to the village and she learnt from Gordon he had gone out again, this time with Raf. Isla appeared, revision finished for now, and the rest of the day vanished in a constant motion of shifting boxes, filling the skip and packing. Later they all strolled down to the village for a fish-and-chip supper on the harbour. Raf seemed distant and distracted, and Cassie longed for a return of the closeness they had shared last night, even while reminding herself more than that was impossible. Fiona and Gordon were still trying their best to lift everyone else, their stoicism and strength unaltered by their ongoing grief. If they could say goodbye to their beloved home and all the memories it contained, then so could Cassie. It was people that were important, not buildings. Her own memories wouldn’t be sealed behind the front door once the keys were handed over to new owners.
They still lived in the compact mid-terraced Victorian house she and Ewan had stretched themselves to buy when he’d qualified as a consultant. London always felt frantic when Cassie returned after the expanse of sea and sky in Galloway, and the hay meadows and moorland fells around Hartfell, the roads heaving with traffic as she crawled through the city the following day. The move had been draining for everyone, and after the farmhouse, a bungalow was going to take some getting used to. The dogs had been baffled by the change in routine and the new environment they, too, would call home. Even her own house looked different as she pulled up outside, as though it had somehow altered in the time she had been gone.
Rory had lapsed into silence, and Cassie knew he was missing Hartfell and Galloway, and Raf. She and Raf had explained about his new house and the distillery to the children before they’d left Galloway. Rory had pleaded to see the house before they came home, but she’d said no. It was likely to be a temporary move, and although she hated disappointing him, she didn’t want him getting used Raf having a base in Hartfell and Rory thinking he could stay whenever he liked. Friends again she and Raf might be, but she hadn’t forgotten Pippa’s hopes of encouraging a burgeoning connection with Allegra. So the last thing Raf needed was a couple of teenagers hanging around. Or her.
Thank goodness for Jas, Cassie thought wearily, as the young woman opened the front door and dashed out to help. It was like coming home to a ray of sunshine, and she was only too happy to catch up on Jas’s news and thank her for the lasagne she’d put in the oven. Cassie wondered again how she would manage when Jas finally left.
After they’d eaten around the table – a rule she still insisted on – Isla and Rory disappeared to their rooms, and Jas went to meet her new girlfriend in town. Cassie loaded the dishwasher, remembering how patient Ewan had been with Rory, helping him with reading and homework. From a distance of nearly three years since their loss, she realised she loved Ewan for being a wonderful father and the strength and joy he brought to their children’s lives as much as everything else.
