Cassie had seen firsthand that Pippa had done everything she could to fill the space her mum had left behind, loving her brother and sister fiercely and providing stability at home when their dad had been touring with the band.
‘I get why your career doesn’t just come down to what you want, especially now. It’s tough, having to choose between a promotion and your kids, and they might never really understand what you gave up for them. But I see it.’ Ice rattled in the glass as he picked up his drink. ‘It was different for Ewan. He was the one racing to the top, and I don’t think he knew quite how lucky he was, having you at his side.’
‘Lucky?’ Cassie’s throat felt scratched, but she couldn’t look away from the understanding and honesty in Raf’s gaze. ‘Why do you say that?’
‘Because I think it’s true. You were the one backing him up, taking care of your home and looking after Isla and Rory, keeping everything together. Whenever Ewan took another step up the ladder, I don’t think he ever doubted it was the right thing to do. He was aware of the impact of his hours on you, and I know he tried to be around as much as he could. But he didn’t ever stop and think, hey, maybe this time it’s a no, because my family isn’t all about me. He achieved his dream, Cassie, and that’s incredible. But some of it was down to you, because you helped make it possible.’
Raf emptied his glass and put it down, before getting up to sit alongside her. ‘So when you ask me if I think you made the wrong choice, no, I don’t. You put your family first, and that’s every bit as brave as saying yes to a promotion. Maybe even braver. One day Isla and Rory will realise you did it because you love them more than anything.’
He cupped Cassie’s face, smoothing a tear away with his thumb. ‘So when you work out what you want to do next, I’ll be there to help you however I can.’
‘Do you mean it?’ She wanted to laugh away his promise; it wasn’t something she could hold him to. She’d done everything she could to avoid touching him these past few months, bar the friendly hugs in greeting, and already she was leaning into his instinctive gesture, the kindness behind it. She was no longer married to his best friend, even if she still found it difficult to grasp the reality. Would she ever be able to allow herself the freedom to love someone else, when her heart still sometimes felt fastened to the past?
‘Of course I do.’ Slowly he eased away, and relief allowed her to breathe more easily. ‘You need time to let everything settle.’
‘I know what I want to do next, Raf.’ The idea had been with her for months – in truth, years – and she felt the familiar mix of excitement and nerves at the thought of her new plan.
He raised a brow, lips quirked. ‘Are you gonna tell me?’
‘Before Rory started high school I was thinking of retraining as a counsellor, but I never quite managed to put everything in place.’ She took a deep breath, ready to confess her long-held dream. To have Raf tell her it was still possible, and she hadn’t let her own ambition slip away in the routine of family life and marriage to a brilliant man.
‘You probably won’t remember he fell off his bike and broke his arm just before the end of the summer holiday. He was already worried about changing schools, and I didn’t think it was fair to take on something else when he really needed me. And then life kept taking over, Ewan was under pressure, and the timing never seemed quite right.’
‘That’s a long road, Cass.’ Raf slid an arm along the seat behind her.
‘I know that,’ she told him hotly. ‘And Ewan had enough doubts for the both of us without you pointing it out as well.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He held up a hand. ‘It’s not because I doubt you, but because it won’t…’ He paused. ‘It won’t be easy, after everything you’ve been through. I don’t want to see you hurt again, that’s all.’
‘Isn’t that my decision, if I want to do it?’ Cassie’s heart was clattering. She hadn’t meant to express Ewan’s doubts out loud. ‘Being bereaved doesn’t make me useless, just still very sad sometimes. My psychology degree is a first-class one, and the only reason I didn’t go on to a master’s was because I needed a job after Dad died.
‘I know retraining will take years, and I’ll have to learn how to separate my own experience and emotions from the people I’ll meet. I also understand the training will be challenging and maybe highly emotional for someone in my situation. It could be draining and difficult, and perhaps I won’t be right for it after all. But I feel that I am, Raf. I know that I can do it.’ She thumped a hand to her chest, surprised by the wobble and fierce determination in her voice.
‘By the time I’m qualified, Isla will be at university, or very nearly, and Rory will be in college. I know they’ll still need me, but their lives will be different again, and I want to do this before it’s too late. I’ve already signed up to an in-person level two course which starts in London in September. It’s one day a week, which will leave me time to work around it, and I’ll move on to level three once I finish in January.’
‘Wow. You really have thought about it.’
She nodded as silence bloomed between them, pressing her finger against her thumb the way she always did when she was worried, just like Rory. ‘Forget what I said, about Ewan.’ She bit her lip. ‘He was just concerned about me, that’s all. Taking too much on.’
‘Was he? Because sometimes it seemed to me there wasn’t room for two ambitious people in his world.’ Raf’s voice was very low.
She and Ewan had rowed about her plan to retrain several times that summer, before Rory broke his arm and she’d abandoned the idea. Cassie had even wondered if Ewan had been relieved about the accident once they knew Rory was fine and had seen it as a means to halt her ambition so he could pursue his own.
‘I’m sorry if I’m speaking out of turn. It was an observation, that’s all. You were always happy with your family around you.’
‘I was,’ she said quickly. ‘I am. But you’re right, about Ewan’s ambition. He didn’t see why anything should hinder it. Not marriage, home, children, family. He was the most driven person I’ve ever met. It was exhausting, sometimes, trying to keep up. But we did love each other.’
She glanced into the house, checking her children weren’t in sight. Their bedrooms were at the back, so she was safe to explore these thoughts out loud as long as they couldn’t overhear, thoughts she hadn’t even shared with Pippa. Life was just too much sometimes, to question it and wonder about a different one had she made different choices.
‘I’m really sorry, Cass. I didn’t know.’
‘It’s fine, and you weren’t meant to. It was between me and Ewan,’ she replied evenly. ‘There was nothing you could have done. And so this time I am going to retrain while I have the chance.’
‘So tell me how I can help?’
‘You mean it?’ Cassie allowed a smile at his show of support. Pippa had encouraged her then, but she had backed down in the face of Ewan’s opposition when Cassie had said it didn’t matter.
‘This is me, and you and I are friends.’ Raf nudged her foot with his. ‘Of course I’m going to help you.’
