‘Raf, please,’ she told him helplessly. She couldn’t hold back a gasp when his languid gaze fell to her mouth, her lips parting as willingly as if he’d skimmed them with his own.
‘Please stop, or please don’t?’
‘What is it you want from me?’ she whispered. She knew his reply before he uttered it; she wanted exactly the same. But after that, what would their friendship be then?
‘Everything,’ he told her roughly. He took her hands and placed them on his face, the beard grazing her skin in the way she found so tantalising. ‘Tell me you don’t feel it too, Cass, and I’ll walk away. Tell me what’s in your heart.’
‘I can’t.’ There were only a few scraps of sense remaining, and she was clinging to them, her last little bit of composure before she fell too far. She would have nowhere left to go if she told him that.
‘You know I wouldn’t be touching you like this if I thought you didn’t feel the same.’
Cassie inched towards him until his thighs were pressed against hers, holding her in his orbit with eyes revealing even more than his words and uneven breath had. Her thumbs were stroking his face, mesmerised by the gold in his gaze and longing he’d never revealed so nakedly before. He turned his face to catch her thumb between his teeth, and she bit back a cry as his lips closed around it.
‘Do you want me to stop?’ he repeated.
‘You know I don’t,’ she whispered. She couldn’t disguise her body’s reply any more than she could walk away, and she slid her thumb free to cup his face. ‘But what about when it’s over? My children love you, Raf, they need me to be your friend. I can’t sneak around behind their backs.’
‘And why would it have to be over?’ He frowned. ‘You think I haven’t changed, that I can’t commit? Is that it? I know it’s complicated, but we didn’t do anything wrong when we kissed. Let me be there for you, and Isla and Rory. My life is different now, and I’m done with the band, travelling, the bullshit that comes with it. This is who I am, Cass. The man standing here, asking for a chance to stand still with you.’
His hands were on her shoulders, sure and firm, and she was falling. Falling into his strength and confidence, the desire he had made plain. But her body was screaming that it wasn’t complicated it all. That their next move was very simple and she only needed to touch her lips to his again, and she would be flying and falling all at once.
‘I’m frightened of never feeling this way again, and terrified of taking another step,’ she told him with a trembling voice. ‘But please don’t say something you don’t mean. All I need is to look after my family. I don’t know how to make room in my life for anything else.’
‘I meant every single word, and one day I hope you’ll feel differently. And I’ll be there, waiting for you.’ He dropped the words against her ear, and she clutched his arms as his lips skimmed her neck. There was such certainty in his promise, and she wanted to tell him not to wait, that maybe she’d never be ready. But she couldn’t disguise how she felt; it simply wasn’t possible when he made her feel so alive, hopeful and happy.
Footsteps were approaching along the passage, and Cassie leapt back just before Fiona appeared, a blush staining her cheeks scarlet.
Chapter Sixteen
After that conversation with Raf, Cassie moved through the next week on autopilot as the children’s holiday in Italy approached. She had coffee with Pippa at the gallery, debriefing his birthday and burning up every time she thought of those few moments alone with him in the kitchen. She cleaned for Fiona and Gordon, cooked meals for their freezer to help lighten their load, and swam in the river with the Wednesday walking group. She walked Flynn and wrote her journal, trying to disguise her exhilaration and the sense that she was on the brink of another life-changing decision. Raf was polite and friendly, and she found excuses for things she needed to do if Isla and Rory weren’t home. Their own excitement about Italy was building, with Jas arriving on Friday afternoon, ready for the flight on Saturday.
Jas brought another level of energy to the house, and Isla and Rory couldn’t wait to show her around. Cassie did her best to disguise her anxiety over the children travelling without her, but she trusted Jas and knew she would take good care of them. The next morning Isla and Rory wanted Raf to come with them to the airport. Once Cassie had seen them safely checked in, she wandered back to the car with him in a daze. For the first time in her life after Ewan, the children were away without her, and she felt a bit lost. Maybe the sense of freedom would kick in later. She and Raf watched a movie in the evening, no sense of intimacy or awkwardness as they sat throughRain Man. She’d invited Fiona and Gordon over for lunch on Sunday as Pippa and Gil were taking Harriet, Joel and Luca to meet friends of Gil’s.
They ate on the terrace, and afterwards she was in the kitchen, supposedly making coffee, when Fiona found her staring blankly through the window.
‘Are you all right?’ Fiona touched a hand to her shoulder and Cassie spun around. ‘I know you’re worried about Isla and Rory, but they’ll have a blast, and Jas is perfectly capable.’
‘I’m fine,’ she said automatically, waking up the coffee machine again. ‘I know you’re right, but there’s still that stupid voice reminding me of all the ways it could go wrong.’
‘Believe me, that voice never quite goes away, no matter how old they are.’ They shared an understanding smile. ‘And you’re only a couple of hours away in the very unlikely event of them actually needing you. It’s a mum thing, but please, try not to worry.’
‘I will, thanks.’ She may as well try and stop breathing, but the sentiment was the right one. ‘Coffee will be ready in a minute.’
‘I hope you don’t mind me asking, but is everything all right between you and Raf?’
Cassie nearly dropped the espresso mug she’d been holding. She shoved it in place as the coffee machine went to work. Oh hell, she should have known Fiona would notice. ‘Of course it is. Why would you think otherwise?’
‘I’m not sure, you just seem… a little tense, I suppose. As does he. There are a lot of things that aren’t my business, and I simply want to know that you’re both okay.’
‘We’re fine,’ Cassie assured her. ‘Really, we are. I’m distracted about the children, that’s all, but it’ll pass. I didn’t sleep that well last night.’
‘And you’re certain there’s nothing else worrying you, something I can help with?’
She longed to confess, but she could never do that, not to her mother-in-law. To share this secret she carried and have Fiona tell her that it was wrong to feel the way she did about a man she’d known most of her life and had never thought of in the way she did now. Fingers trembling around the cup of espresso, she set it on a tray.
‘Nothing else,’ she said firmly. ‘Why don’t you join the others, and I’ll bring the coffees in a minute.’
‘Before you do…’ Fiona hesitated. ‘I promise we’re not ganging up on you, but I spoke with Pippa this morning and we thought it would do you the world of good to get away and have a complete rest while Isla and Rory are on holiday.’
