‘Sorry, I wasn’t trying to wake you on purpose,’ she whispered. ‘Just checking you’re real.’
‘Totally real, in your bed, and entirely yours.’ He gathered Cassie close, holding her against his chest. ‘And I’ll still be here when you wake up tomorrow.’
In the morning they made love again as the sun rose outside. The heat seemed to have seeped into her very bones, leaving her replete, almost weightless. She had slept so well, and they swam before sharing breakfast on the terrace. She couldn’t bear to think of this interlude ending, of having to go home and pretend they were merely old friends. Going up to bed in separate rooms instead of falling asleep after making love wherever they lay. But family life beckoned, and only the thought of seeing her children made returning so soon feel bearable.
They had intended to stroll down to the market again, but the idea was abandoned when Raf fell asleep on a lounger and Cassie loathed to wake him. They had one more day after this and she wanted to savour every single moment. To swim and make love and sleep and read and touch him. To let him know what he meant to her and how afraid she felt of what lay ahead on their return. But those words weren’t for now, and she pushed them aside.
When the car arrived to return them to the airport early on Saturday morning, they held hands all the way home. The sun had vanished when they retrieved their bags after the flight and made their way out to another waiting car. She had seen how normal a life he tried to live, and he didn’t often take advantage of the privileges that came with his position. Like now, being able to climb into the back of the car and hide from reality a little longer.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to stay in town with me?’ Raf squeezed her hand. They’d flown into Heathrow this time as he had a meeting arranged with his manager, who took care of the band’s business interests. ‘I’m sorry, the timing is terrible, but there’s some stuff we need to go over, and this was as good a time as any.’
‘No, I think it’s better that I go home. And I’ve promised to meet Isla and Rory at the airport. Fiona offered, but I’d like to be there.’
Had she really just referred to Hartfell as home? It certainly felt like that, although anywhere could be home if her children and Raf were with her. The car would be dropping him off before driving her back up to Yorkshire. He had insisted, even though she’d said she could get the train. And the separation would place a little bit of distance between them, if they were going to keep private the feelings they had finally confessed in Majorca. He would return to Hartfell tomorrow, and they would begin the process of trying to find a way to be together.
‘You haven’t changed your mind, about us?’ There was a note of alarm in his voice, and she shook her head slowly.
‘No, but we need more time, Raf,’ Cassie told him gently. ‘Time to get used to this, and to work out how we’re going to tell our families.’
It was her family that worried her most. How her children would react to Raf’s changed role in her life, even if it might not make much difference to theirs. And most especially, how Fiona and Gordon would feel about him stepping into a role their adored son had occupied for so long. Her stomach swooped every time she thought of trying to find the right words and break the news.
Once they’d kissed goodbye and Raf had disappeared into a building across a street in Pimlico, Cassie was desolate as the car made its way north. After the heat and the sun and the views in Majorca, the gloomy grey clouds blotting the sky seemed to match her mood perfectly, despite the excitement of seeing Isla, Rory and Flynn again. The pleasure of Raf’s company and the care she’d basked in already slipping away. She wanted him here still, at her side, assuring her they would be okay and would find a way.
She fell asleep on the long drive, her heart lifting when she woke and realised she was already in the Dales, Hartfell not far away. Once she reached the house, she thanked the driver as he helped with her bag and let herself in. It was utterly silent without Raf, Isla and Rory, or Flynn padding from room to room and making his quiet presence felt. She switched the coffee machine on, thankful that someone, probably Fiona or Pippa, had thought to leave fresh milk in the fridge. She had an hour before she needed to leave for the airport.
At the table she sat down with her coffee and pulled out her phone. It was still in flight mode and she switched to Wi-Fi, watching the notifications piling up. Surprised to see four missed calls from Raf, she smiled. He must be missing her as much as she was him. She went to voicemail and played his only message, alarm sharply spiking at his tone and the few words he’d recorded.
‘Hey, Cass. Call me when you get this, okay? I’m fine, but we need to talk.’ A pause. ‘And please, don’t go online until we’ve spoken. Trust me, yeah?’
Sweat had already broken out on Cassie’s brow, and her palms were clammy as she fought for calm. It couldn’t be her children; she’d just seen the notification from Jas about their flight and that they were on their way. She hit the return call on Raf’s number as dread lodged in her mind. The engaged sound came and the call cut off, and she tried again, battling tears of worry. What if something had happened, like before…
But it couldn’t; he’d simply said not to go online, and he sounded okay, unharmed at least. She brought up a browser and her finger hovered over it, temptation lingering. She should trust him; he had always looked after her. But he still hadn’t called back, and she hurriedly typed his name and pressed enter. It was probably old news, some gossip about an ex he’d rather not expose her to.
The images were the first thing her blurred vision took in. Her and Raf, that day in the market, hand in hand and laughing as he adjusted her sunhat, his palm on her cheek. Another one, when he’d tugged her against him and stopped just short of kissing her, the longing in his gaze she saw perfectly captured in her own. They looked like lovers, even though they hadn’t made love when these photographs were taken. A couple in love, their every gesture exuding a togetherness she hadn’t even fully realised herself. Her betrayal was laid bare for the world to see. And far, far worse, her children and everyone she loved. Her phone hit the floor as she shoved her chair back, retching as she rushed to the downstairs loo just in time to throw up.
Chapter Nineteen
Every warm feeling had vanished as Cassie drove to the airport, numbed by the revelation about her and Raf, and what it meant for her family. He had tried again to speak with her, and she’d listened dully to his second voicemail, his assurance that Vanessa, as Jonny’s partner and the band’s publicist, was on it. But Cassie knew how these things worked; she had too many years of experience. There was only one thing she wanted to do – deny, for all she was worth. To convince her children that the photographs had somehow lied and she hadn’t been trying to exclude them from an attempt to make a life with Raf in place of their father.
Nausea was still churning in her stomach when Isla, Rory and Jas appeared in Arrivals, and she pasted on a bright smile that faltered the moment Rory’s chilled gaze met hers. She’d been desperate to speak with them before they found out, and it was clear that impossible hope had gone, and she hurried towards them. Like almost every other teenager, her own were permanently online, and even if they hadn’t seen the images for themselves, someone else, friend or foe, would likely have alerted them. Their mum and Rory’s adored godfather, holding one another like lovers and kissing in the street as though they didn’t have a care in the world. Photographs did that, she’d found. Froze a single frame and created an entire story around it. There was a beginning and a middle to hers with Raf, but now she had no idea what the end might be.
‘You all look wonderful!’ Cassie rushed forward anyway, feasting on the sight of her children and Jas safely returned, their suntanned skin and the healthy glow they carried. Isla submitted to a brief hug before she wriggled away, staring at her phone. When she held out her arms to Rory, he walked straight past her. Her beautiful boy, whom she’d nurtured and loved and held through every triumph and tragedy, loathed her now, and her vision was suddenly hazy with tears.
‘I’m so sorry, Rory,’ she whispered to his back as people pushed by. ‘I never meant to hurt either of you.’ And so it had begun. She had no idea how she could put right her mistake.
Jas embraced her, telling Cassie gently not to worry too much, that he would come round. Cassie nodded. Jas hugged Isla and Rory goodbye, and it pierced Cassie’s heart to watch Rory hold the young woman, the embrace he refused to allow her. Jas was getting the train back to London, and she disappeared into a sea of people, just one more traveller heading home.
They trooped back to the car without a word. On the drive home Cassie asked about their holiday, the fun and adventures they’d had. Only Isla shared some details; Rory was plugged into ear buds and ignored every word. They desperately needed to talk, but she wasn’t about to attempt it in the car when she had to concentrate on traffic and couldn’t clearly read their body language. At the house he was even more disappointed to realise that Flynn wasn’t home as Pippa was due to return him this evening. He and Isla went straight to the fridge once they’d dumped their bags, and Cassie asked them to sit down.
‘Isla, Rory, we need to talk. Please.’
‘Do we, though?’ It wasn’t like Rory to be so scathing, and her heart ached for him.
‘Please, Rory. It’s important. Could you take your ear buds out, please?’
He scowled when Isla nudged him, and the chair scraped across the stone-flagged floor when he dragged it from the table. He perched on the edge as though he might flee at any moment, still staring at his phone. Isla sat next to him with Cassie opposite; she wanted to be able to see their faces. She’d gone over and over what she might say in this moment, but none of those words had stuck.
‘I’m so sorry about what you must have seen, about me and Raf. But I promise, it’s not what you think.’
