After the conversation with Fiona, Cassie was also reminded of Raf’s flying visits to London in between band commitments, how he had often been the one who remembered to ask about the important meeting she’d had at work, the event she’d attended, or how Rory had got on in a test, the new pony Isla was riding at the stables. For all Raf’s fame and glory years with the band, around her kitchen table he had been himself, the boy she’d watched grow into a man who loved and defended his family. He had always understood her, had been there to see her through almost everything.
She hadn’t loved him like this, not then. She’d loved Ewan and had made her home with him; they had encouraged and loved their children together. This was a love which had grown over time, and she and Raf hadn’t been able to nurture it, not yet. She treasured his sensitivity and his understanding of her children, and how he strived to make them happy, to stand alongside them too. How he loved with a strength and depth that made her feel secure and seen, cherished and understood. There could be no other for her now; it was a certainty which brought a rush of sadness that theirs might never flourish, not if her son wouldn’t accept it. She couldn’t be a buffer between them, balancing one against the other. For this to work, the four of them needed to stand together. She needed to talk with Rory again and hoped that this time he might listen.
The house was silent when she returned, as though it had been stripped of life and laughter, and she longed to have them back. She wanted to gather her family around her, with Raf part of it too, and hold them close, remind them every day how much she loved them. To watch her children flourish and fly and be at their backs when they needed her. Isla’s boots were abandoned under the table, and that meant she had returned. Cassie went to the fridge. A good meal went a long way to fixing things in her world, another lesson she had learnt from Fiona. Then after pizza she would ask Rory if he would like to talk.
The door from the boot room flew open and Flynn barked in surprise as Raf bounded into the kitchen. The box in her hand slid to the floor when he shoved the fridge door shut and gathered her in his arms. He looked wonderful and troubled, and still somehow happy, and the tears came again as he held her tightly.
‘Cass, I’m sorry,’ he rushed out. ‘So sorry you’ve been dragged into this shit. I should’ve known better, I should’ve remembered it could happen. I was just so happy, and I wasn’t thinking.’
She wanted to tell him it was okay, but it wasn’t because their actions had hurt her children and sent Rory storming to his room. ‘Isla and Rory…’ she mumbled. ‘It’s them I’m worried about.’
‘I know.’ He drew back to look at her, warm hands cupping her face. ‘But we’ll sort it, I promise.’
She wanted to ask him how. Raf was the person Rory loved and respected the most outside of their immediate family. Or he had, until a few hours ago.
‘How are they?’
‘Isla’s okay. She’s being pragmatic and kind, which is so lovely of her.’
‘She’s your daughter, that’s why,’ Raf muttered, his eyes narrowing. ‘And Rory?’
‘He won’t speak to me. I think he hates me for betraying his dad with you.’
‘He doesn’t hate you,’ he said gently. ‘He’s hurt and he didn’t see this coming, any more than we did.’
‘But we should’ve known better. Not been so obvious in public.’ She’d seen enough images of Raf down the years with various girlfriends, pictured hand in hand and laughing, the photographs revealing an intimacy very like their own. Was she making a huge mistake, falling in love with him? Would this be over in a few months and she’d have shattered her children’s trust for no reason? Her mind was swirling with doubt, and Raf kissed her forehead. Much as she loved his certainty and his strength, it was harder to think clearly when he was so close. She drank him in, inhaling the scents that had filled her heart these past few days.
‘I would never have chosen this way, but I’m glad it’s out there, Cass.’ He kissed her eyelids, her cheeks and then her lips, soft, gentle kisses quite unlike the ones they had shared before. ‘Because I can’t hide this forever, and I don’t want you to have to, either.’
‘But what are we going to do?’
‘We’re going to talk, all of us, is what.’ Flynn was nudging him and Raf smiled, bending briefly. ‘Hey, Flynn. Sorry for ignoring you. I’m glad to be home as well.’
‘I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow?’
‘This couldn’t wait.’ He glanced towards the stairs. ‘They’re in their rooms?’
‘Yes. I haven’t seen Rory since we got back from the airport.’
‘Right. I’ll be back soon.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘Don’t go anywhere.’
Cassie set about making supper once Raf disappeared; she couldn’t sit still. To her surprise, he was back in a couple of minutes, Isla and a mutinous-looking Rory behind him, before she’d put the pizzas in the oven.
‘Family conference,’ Raf announced, pointing to the table. ‘Sit down. We need a conversation, and I think it’s best we do that together. No phones.’
‘Since when did you get so bossy?’ Isla grumbled, but Cassie caught the slight smile her daughter offered him as she left her phone on the windowsill, and her heart lifted a smidge. But Rory wouldn’t even look at her once his phone had joined Isla’s, and Raf laid a hand on her arm as she moved towards Rory. The shake of his head was so minute she wondered if she had imagined it.
‘So here’s how this goes.’ Raf waited until everyone else was seated and then he pulled out a chair, next to Rory and opposite Cassie. She realised he hadn’t sat beside her on purpose, avoiding the two of them facing her children like a wall. Rory was pale and her heart ached for him, wanting only to hold her lovely boy and tell him she was sorry, that all would be as okay as it ever could be without his dad.
‘You can ask your mum and me anything you want, and we promise to give you the truth, okay?’ Raf’s gaze drifted to Cassie. ‘But there are some things which are private, and they belong just between us. But we will be absolutely honest. And I want to be clear from the start.’
He laid a hand flat on the table and Rory’s eyes flickered up. ‘Your mum loves you both more than anything in the world, and she has never lied to you about what those pictures were suggesting. Not once.’
‘Suggesting?’ Rory’s single word was laden with scorn. ‘Do you know how many messages I’ve had about them already? What am I supposed to say?’
‘Rory…’ She went to stand up, and Raf laid a hand on her arm.
‘I am sorrier about how you and Isla found out than I can ever say, Rory,’ he said gently. ‘It’s happened to me before, but then it didn’t matter so much. I’m sorry I failed all of you. I should have been prepared for it and protected you better. But I’m not sorry you know how we feel, even if that’s hard for you to hear.’
