“What is there to say?”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and leaned back against the porch railing when we stepped outside. Here, in the dark, lit only by the moon, away from the group, maybe we could finally be open with each other. “I should explain why I left six years ago.”
“There’s nothing to explain. You told me it was only for one night. If I thought we had something more, it’s on me.” Herwords were stiff. As if she wanted to be logical, but didn’t really believe it.
“We did have something.”
“Then why, Cole?” She practically vibrated with anger. “If you felt that way, why did you leave?”
“Because I was a coward.” I turned away, looking at the dark treeline. “My family didn’t raise me to be a husband. Instead, my grandfather trained me to be a merger. Feelings were a weakness. That night with you terrified me. It wasn’t what they taught me to want.”
“And you always do what they want you to?” The bite in her voice hinted at the feelings she had underneath her calm surface.
“I used to,” I admitted. “Grandfather dangled access to the family trust, threatening to take it away if I stepped out of line. Money was something I understood. It made me feel in control.”
“So you chose money over living your own life.”
“For a while.” Fear twisted my gut that I’d lose her before I ever got her back. But she deserved honesty from me. No matter the cost. “Earlier this year he told me he’d chosen a wife for me. Some socialite who only cared about my position and money. It was what I knew. Exactly the marriage my parents had.”
Ava’s eyes were shadowed, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. I pushed on. “But then I thought about you. And I knew that even if I had to spend the rest of my life alone, I wouldn’t settle for less than what we had six years ago. Nothing has ever measured up to that one night together.”
“You couldn’t come to this conclusion back then?” Her words were clipped.
“I ran away from you instead of running toward something real. It might not mean much all these years later, but I’ve always regretted leaving that morning.” I raked my hand through my hair. “I’d do anything to get the last six years back.”
“You can’t.”
“I know. And I deserve every bit of pain that causes me.” I swallowed, gripping the porch rail hard. The bite of the wood against my palm grounded me. “Will you tell me about Maisie? About when you found out you were pregnant, and the last six years? You had your family, but you were still alone.”
She twisted, leaning her hip against the railing, and I turned to face her. “I’ve never been as scared as when I waited in my dorm room for the timer to beep, telling me the pregnancy test was ready. When I saw those lines, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I had two years left of college, and I had no idea how to find you or how my parents would react.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” I closed my eyes, a sick feeling twisting in my gut. While I was sitting in boardrooms signing contracts, she was alone in a dorm room, terrified. I wanted to punch something. Mostly myself.
“Becky was with me. When I thought I might be pregnant, I called and told her everything. She drove all night to show up with a case of water and a bag full of sticks for me to pee on.” The corner of Ava’s mouth twitched. Then she huffed out a breath. “The irony is that she had already met Luke at that point. But I didn’t have a picture, so there was no way for her to recognize you.”
“I wish I could say I would have handled it well if you had found me back then, but I can’t.” I forced the words out, hating to admit it. “I was still under the thumb of my father and grandfather. Maybe it would have woken me up sooner and made me realize I didn’t want their life. But I was young and stupid. I don’t mean that as an excuse. Just trying to be completely honest with you.”
“I’ve spent a lot of nights angry at you. I’m still angry now. But since we’re being honest, we were both scared kids. We may have legally been adults, but neither of us were ready for what happened between us.” She tilted her head back and met mygaze, her eyes guarded. “Having Maisie forced me to grow up faster than I would have otherwise. I can’t blame you for missing her childhood—you didn’t know. But I can blame you for leaving me. You chose fear over us, Cole. That’s what hurts.”
“I’ll take the anger and the blame.” I reached out, my fingers cautious as they brushed against her cheek. “Whatever you need, I’ll bear it.”
“I don’t know what I need, besides honesty,” she admitted. She placed her hands on the railing beside me and stared into the dark. “Part of me wants nothing to do with you. Then I see you with Maisie, and I think about how she deserves to have a father in her life.”
“I’m not going anywhere this time. However long it takes for you to trust me with her.” I loaded my words with conviction. “And you. I don’t just want Maisie, Ava. I want both of you.”
Her brown eyes stared up at me, conflicted. “I’ve thought about you and that night a lot, and not just because of Maisie. The connection I had with you back then made it hard to move on.”
The moonlight shone on her face, and I leaned closer, breathing her in. She didn’t retreat.
Her scent—apples and wood smoke—filled my head, drowning out the logic.
I gave her one warning. “Ava, if you don’t walk away now…”
She looked up, her eyes dark. “I’m not walking.”
That was all the permission I needed. I crashed my mouth down on hers. It wasn't gentle. It was six years of starvation. I tasted her gasp, her shock, and then her surrender.
The familiar taste of her rushed through me as we made up for the last six years apart. We reached for each other, grabbing hold as the kiss turned desperate. Possessive.
