“Ciaran was right. Iknewsomehow. My heart knew it the moment I saw you in my dream, and my body knew it as soon as you were in my arms,” I admitted reluctantly. “You cannot leave now. I will come find you.”
Nuala gave a soft snort of amusement as her tension began to ease. “But you still don’t…wantme?”
“It’s not nearly as simple as that,” I said impulsively and released a sigh as the last of my reluctance crumbled. “No, I never wanted a mate, and now I feel I no longer have a choice about it,” I acknowledged before raising my head to meet her uncertain gaze. “I have learned the hard way to distrust anyone who wants to be close to me and my power and… Nuala, you have to realize that you are everything I set out to destroy. You are the enemy from which I swore to protect my people, and you have not proven to be fully trustworthy or harmless,” I pointed out significantly. “I do trust that you will be my ally when it comes time to wage war in Uile Breithà,” I added when she tried to protest. “But I am ashamed that you poisoned the Tithriall without recourse simply becauseIcould not bring myself to do what I should have. I do not trust this unquestionable impulse to defend you to my people when they raise legitimate concerns about your effect upon me. And I hate that I am so compelled to conceal your crime from the other riders because I cannot bear the thought of how they would condemn you!”
There was a moment of quiet while we both allowed my confessions to sink in. I was not sure I had ever been so unapologetically candid about my feelings. But there was no denying it felt good to air the grievances without fearing that it would harm her. And I suddenly wanted to get the rest out so maybe we could find a way through it.
“And then there is the matter of you keeping this bond from me,” I continued more gently. I could tell Nuala was becoming emotional when she dropped her gaze and her breathing deepened. So I lifted her hands up to my mouth and kissed her fingers to try and comfort and reassure her. “I know why you wanted to keep it quiet. And you are not solely responsible for it because I made the choice to keep you close. But I still cannot help feeling some resentment when I knowdreíochaneed proximity to claim a—”
“Rian,” she interrupted, and then shook her head in frustration as she pulled her hands down from my mouth. “Yes, Dowrra do need proximity to their mate in order to use his abilities. If you sent me away right now, I would be unable to summon your magic or use your fey senses. But the bondwouldremain,” she stressed in exasperation and squeezed my hands imploringly. “Dowrra claim their mates unconsciously. It is my… biology,” she explained, hesitating over the word. “I was yours the moment I saw you in my visions. And you were mine the moment you came for me. There was nothing either of us could have done to avoid it unless you wish I had died in that prison or that you never came for me—”
“I wouldneverwish that!” I assured her roughly.
“Then there is no use lamenting this bond! It was no more my choice than it was yours, even if it may seem so to you because I am a Seer, and I accepted it long ago,” Nuala insisted in earnest.
I took a moment to process her explanation, turning it over and over in my mind until my heart began to fill with a tentative hope. It still took a moment for it to fully sink in that she might not have set out to trick or trap me.
“Rian, Ineverintended to manipulate—” she began, but I leaned forward to press my lips lightly against hers to quiet and settle her. Her sharp inhale, and the way her lips trembled in want against mine, was intoxicating.
“I believe you,” I breathed, and I felt her shudder from a repressed sob before she noddedin relief.
“But you still have all of those other reasons not to want me,” she guessed.
“You did not let me finish,” I reminded her as I began to trail kisses from her mouth to her jaw and up to her ear. The way she tilted her head for me and closed her eyes with a soft sigh was pure magic. “I wanted you to know the reasons why I am reluctant to give in to this, but you were right; I am… at war with myself. I have been at war with myself forsolong and insomany ways.”
Nuala leaned closer, her fingers clenching on mine as if she wanted to pull me closer but did not dare.
“I never wanted a mate, but neither have I ever needed anything more than Ineedthis,” I admitted grudgingly.
My head rested on her shoulder as I watched the swell of my emotions manifest in shadows that seeped from my pores around our entwined fingers. I would normally have been terrified to see my magic emerging when I was so emotional, but it feltgood. It felt sogoodto let it all out instead of quickly forcing it down. So I let it continue to bleed out between us where it could exist safely.
Nuala turned her head to kiss my jaw and ear as one of her hands released mine to slide up around my neck.
“Tell me what you need from me. What can I do to set your mind at ease so that we can have this?” she asked.
“That is not your sole burden. I may not be confident in trusting you, but I am also not sureyoucan trustme.”
“Rian—” she objected.
“I am notgoodfor anyone! I am forever hurting and disappointing the people who care for me,” I interrupted. “The best thing for you would be to get as far away from me as you can. And yet, I will still drag you back here if you try to leave me.”
Nuala was quiet as she absorbed my words for a long moment. Our faces were still so close that I could feel her soft breaths on my skin, and all I wanted to do was turn and taste her again. To lose myself in her the way I had in the bathhouseand in her coven’s temple.
“This is about Aodhan,” she realized aloud and sighed when I tensed. “I wish you could know as I do that none of this hurt and uncertainty is necessary.”
“Oh?” I asked, raising my head to smirk at her, and her hands both slipped into her lap.
“No, but I will not riskruiningyou again, so I suppose you will need to learn on your own,” she insisted drolly.
We sat staring at each other for several long moments, and I couldn’t help becoming distracted by how beautiful she was. Those mismatching eyes were so breathtaking.
“And what if I want you to ruin me?”
She looked initially hopeful at my suggestion but then schooled herself. “You don’t know what you want, Rian. You may very well go back to ignoring me right after this, so why would I give you even more reasons to distrust my intentions with you?” she demanded.
“Perhaps I just… want you to give me a reason to let down my guard,” I admitted sheepishly.
Nuala looked pained before she looked away from me and shook her head.
