It's not fair that I can't seem to get through a day without having a panic attack.
I thought today would be the day. I managed to step into the last room that Walter stayed in, tended to the lady that was in there, and then walked out in one piece. But barely a few minutes later, I was found by one of the other nurses, hunched over in a corner gasping for air while tears were pouring from my eyes.
She was kind and caring, just like they've all been. And none of them brought up the few sick days that I took off even though they knew I wasn't sick. But I still feel like they're judging me, thinking I shouldn't let it get to me as much as I am. They've probably all lost a patient at one time or another.
But he wasn'tjusta patient to me, far from it. And I didn't only lose him. It was two people in one morning.
Again.
God, I miss my parents more than ever right now.
For the past week, I've tried to focus on the hurt brought on by Walter's death. Because that pain is born from a natural, sometimes unavoidable occurrence in life, and I know that there's nothing I can do but miss him desperately and know that eventually, it won't hurt as much.
The hurt caused by Cam, on the other hand, is different, stemming from betrayal, festering and growing like a tumor. I can feel it changing me, hardening soft parts of me and twisting the innocent trust I had. He made a fool of me and broke my heart.
Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time not associating one pain with the other, making it feel like my soul is being ripped into a million little pieces.
Yesterday when I arrived at work, Ash found me wandering the halls and asked how I was doing. It resulted in me crying into his scrubs for a good five minutes straight. I'm sure he was probably feeling a little uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything, he just let me get it all out with the occasional pat on my back.
A car horn sounds from nearby, jolting me from my staring into space. Graham sits behind the wheel of my car where the honk originated from, and even from here I can see his concern for me causing his forehead to crease. He has picked me up from this new area the past two days since I didn't want to risk running into Cam at the entrance I used to come out of.
“Hey,” I mumble, sliding into the passenger seat and buckling in.
Graham stepped into his old role of looking after me and ended up extending his stay at my place. Even I could hear how pathetic my lie sounded when I said I was fine and that I didn't need him to stay. I'm grateful he could see clearly the mess I was inside, and he's been here for me, helping me carry my heavy heart when it's felt like it's just too much. I'm glad I've had someone here for me because Cam certainly hasn't been.
I close my eyes as the images of seeing him sleeping – probably naked under the covers – while Brandy was there in his t-shirt flash in my mind. I see her touching him, sliding her talons over his smooth back while he kisses her neck, whispering the same words to her as he did to me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I want to tear all of those thoughts and feelings out of me and hurl them out the window. I want toscream.But I'm sure Graham would never leave me alone again if I did.
“How was your day?” he asks. But the real question is there, piggybacking on his words like a coded message.
“Just the one small attack,” I mumble.
I hear him release a breath as I stare out the window. “That's good. That's an improvement.” The drumming sound of his fingers tapping against the steering wheel fills the inside of the car before he pauses them to talk again. “Soo, dinner tonight.”
“What about it?” I ask absently, still looking out the window.
“I think you should come to dinner with my friend and me.”
I briefly turn in his direction before resuming my staring at nothing out the window. “You have a friend?”
“Ha!” he replies to my hollow dig. “Funny. Yes, I have lots of friends. This particular one I went to college with. We didn't exactly hang out a lot, but I remember him being nice. Anyway, I ran into him today. So, what do you say?”
This time I turn my attention fully on him. “I'd say you're completely nuts if this is an attempt at setting me up with someone after only aweek.” I don't even think a year would be long enough to gather all the broken pieces of me and sew them back together.
Graham's eyes widen as they flicker to me and back to the road. “What? No, that's not– Jasper is married, with a baby,” he says, almost exasperatedly. “He and his wife Riley are thinking of moving here as well. She's a nurse in a clinic where they live, and I thought it'd be good if you guys connected. She couldn't make it this time, but you can still give Jasper any information about the hospital. I thought it'd be a good distraction.”
I lick my lips. “I don't know. I'm not exactly good company right now.” The last thing I feel like doing is socializing with people.
“Come on, Jaz. I don't want to leave you at home alone.”
“Nothing is going to happen to me, Cam.” I'd probably just end up watching TV in bed after eating one bite of my dinner and feeling full. An hour or two would pass, and I probably wouldn't be able to tell you what I was watching, but at least I'd be in my own environment. Graham gives me a weird side look, and it suddenly occurs to me that I just called him Cam. God, he's starting to invade my thoughts again, and I don't want him in there. I need to push him out. “Can you play the song?”
“Jaz.” It's said like a concerned warning.
The song is a slow, mellow, and some might even saysadversion of the one Walter used to hum. The fact that it's called “Three Little Birds” is kind of ironic, but I know he loved it regardless of birds being in the title. I found it shortly before his funeral, and his son agreed to play it there. I've listened to it multiple times over the past few days, and it generally results in me crying, so I guess I can understand Graham's hesitance. He was right beside me at the small service, watching as I crumbled in on myself when they played it. He was there even though he had never met the guy. I wish he had.
“Please,” I whisper.
A heavy sigh pours from his mouth. “I'll play it if you come to dinner.”
