“But I don’t believe it,” Eva asserted, drawing Lila’s attention back to her. “Why would Luc do something like that? From what you told me, he loved Heaven. You don’t think he would, do you, Lila?”
Lila couldn’t answer; the weight of events paralyzed her.
“Of course, he wouldn’t,” Eva continued. Anger colored her voice, unnatural as the blood stain. “I know who did this. It was those angels in the Banquet Hall.Theycorrupted Adrianna. Theytrickedher. Theytookher from me. And now she’sgone.” She broke off into sobs.
“Gone?” This time, Lila shot upright, headache discarded. “What do you mean, she’s gone?”
“They pushed her out there!” Eva’s voice cracked. “Into the Void. Michael ordered all the rebellious angels to be…obliterated.”
Lila’s heart sped up in alarm.
Casting angels into the Void on purpose? Why hadn’t they been locked in their houses like Luc?
Though Luc must have escaped. Eva said that he was being blamed for the destruction surrounding them. She wanted to ask more, but Eva laid down next to Lila on the hard marble floor and curled into herself, crying uncontrollably. If Adrianna was truly gone…
Lila placed a comforting hand on Eva’s back; she rubbed soothing circles on it, though that seemed useless amid so much loss. Adrianna gone…Castor gone…
And Luc…Luc…?
Lila straightened, alight with realization.
“Eva!” Lila shook Eva’s shoulder. “Eva, that doesn’t mean anything. Adrianna could still be…She could still exist. She must! Look,you’restill here.”
“But Castor’s gone!” Eva flung herself upright. “Andyousurvived.” For a moment, her face was hard, accusatory, but just as quickly, it softened. “I-I didn’t mean that.” She touched Lila’s face, fresh tears filling her eyes. “Of course, I’m glad you’re okay. It’s just…maybe we were wrong about soul-splits. Maybe everything we were taught was wrong. If you’re here, then the fact that I’m here doesn’t prove anything. She’s gone. I know she is. I can’t feel her at all!” Eva rubbed at her own arms, wrapping them around herself and rocking back and forth.
Seeing her friend’s pained face, Lila wanted so badly to tell her that of course Adrianna still existed. That Lila was defective, that nothing she did meant anything. That even her survival was a fluke. But none of that sounded like it would comfort Eva. In the end, she said nothing. Instead, she gathered her oldest, truest friend in her arms and held her as tight as she could while she sobbed.
“It’ll be okay,” she whispered. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.” A lie if she’d ever told one. Images of Castor bleeding out flooded her vision anew, and her stomach churned with guilt. She saw the blood on her hands, felt the warmth drain from his skin. He’d been her responsibility, and she’d failed to care for him properly, the same as she always had. She hadn’t saved him, and now he was wherever souls went when they left their bodies, alone.
Why hadn’t she gone with him? Why hadn’t she even done that much?
Eventually,Eva and Lila were allowed to return to their homes. Already, Luc’s home had been demolished, partly from the quake and partly from the warrior angels picking it apart. When Lila saw the pile of rubble where Luc’s well-stocked workshop had been, she lingered on the path, lost in her memories, until Eva took her by the hand and led her away.
The rebuilding effort began, and Lila and Eva pitched in along with everyone—Council and council and common angels alike—working long shifts between eating in the old student dining hall and sleeping in Eva’s home. When Eva woke mid-slumber, plagued by nightmares of Adrianna falling into the depths or bleeding out like Castor, Lila rubbed her shoulders until she’d soothed her back to sleep.
It was easier to concentrate on Eva’s pain than on her own. Easier to focus on what Heaven’s collective citizens had lost. Justified, even.
But when she slept, she dreamed of Luc, and when she opened her eyes, she thought it couldn’t be true. He couldn’t be gone. Notgonegone. She tried to tell Eva about his sword, tried to convince her that Michael wouldn’t have reinforced Heaven’s barriers if Luc had been destroyed. And if Luc was out there, maybe Adrianna was with him.
Even if they’re out there, they can’t come back, so how long could they last? Just don’t say it,Eva begged, and Lila didn’t mention it again.
At last,Lila returned to the house she’d shared with Castor. She couldn’t avoid going back forever.
Though the houses on either side of it had been reduced to rubble, the one room house stood intact. Of course, it did. Stepping inside, Lila stared at the remnants of Castor—a silver goblet; a white cloak; a silver ring, bearingthe woodworking signet, that he’d once dug into her knuckle during an argument.
She lay down on the bed and felt his weight smothering her.
She sat at her desk and heard his voice berating her.
She’d always wanted to be free of him, and yet, she didn’t know how to exist without him. How twisted was that?
Worse, she expected him to appear through the door of their home at any moment. He’d scold her for leaving her desk in such a mess or being gone too long for her lessons or not sitting close enough to him in the Banquet Hall. Not smiling during sex. Not wearing her hair the way he preferred, loose or littered with ornaments. Not keeping her mouth shut when hejust wanted her to agree with him, damn it.
Every time she heard his voice in her head, her eyes filled with tears. Her mind filled with relief. Regret.Rage.
And worse, guilt. If she’d known how to close his wound, if she’d been better with a sword, if she hadn’t been so terrified, he might have survived.
And worse still, more guilt. She was glad he’d disappeared. Because she’d wished for it more times than she could count.
