“Oh.I’ll wait then.Ryan, if you don’t want to talk about Afghanistan we don’t have to.”
“I think it’s time I told you.I’ve figured out some things I want to talk to you about.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ryan tried tothink of the best way to tell Aria his story but there really wasn’t one.After Whitney left and they checked on Sophie they went to the den.He just plunged in.“You know Connor and I served together.He was a medic attached to the same field hospital where I worked.Connor was in love with Casey, another medic who also worked with us.They were crazy about each other.Or at least, at first they were.
“As time went on Casey started flirting with me.Initially I thought it meant nothing.That it was harmless.I never flirted with her.In fact, I tried not to be around her unless Connor was there.The problem was, I was in love with her too.”
“Oh, Ryan.That must have been hard.”
He shrugged.“There was no way I could do anything about it.Connor was nuts over her, and he was my best friend.We were as close as brothers.”
“What happened?”
“Casey broke up with him.She told him she was in love with me.Then she came to me and told me the same.”
“Did you—did you and she—”
He shook his head.“She kissed me.I kissed her back.Then I told her there would never be anything between us.That I didn’t love her and never would.She refused to believe me, but she left.Later that day, she and Connor went to pick up some soldiers injured when a roadside bomb blew up their Humvee.There was a secondary explosion.Casey was caught in it.”
He still had problems whenever he thought about that day.What could he have done differently?If he hadn’t turned her down, would she have paid more attention?Would it have mattered?
“Connor brought her in.We worked for hours.I did everything I could think of but it was no use.She died on the table.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“So was I.Connor was a wreck.It took him a long time to deal with it.He didn’t, really, until he met Sierra.”
“I’m glad they found each other.”
“Yeah, me too.After I got out, I could never stay long in one place.Connor could never stay with one woman, until he met Sierra.I figured that Casey’s death had a lot to do with it, but I never connected that fact to why I had to move on.To why I couldn’t stay with one woman.I didn’t want to.Until you.”He shook his head.“You were the first woman I could see being with for good.You were so damn smart.You were independent to a fault.It didn’t hurt that you’re gorgeous.Or that the sex was amazing.”
“I wish you could have told me.Talked to me.Have you ever talked to anyone about this?”
“Like a shrink?No, not really.A few people at the VA tried to talk to me, but that was just general, war-is-hell shit.Nothing specific.Nothing about Casey.Hell, I couldn’t even talk to Connor about it until recently.And he was there.”
“I understand better now,” Aria said.“So you left because you were afraid if you fell in love with me, it would blow up in your face?”
“Maybe.Partly.I think it was more that I didn’t deserve you.I didn’t deserve to be happy with you.”
“Because you couldn’t save a patient?”
“No.Because I couldn’t save Casey.”And because he’d wanted Casey so badly that he was afraid the only thing that stopped him from eventually giving in and screwing over his best friend was Casey’s death.
*
Aria was gladRyan was finally talking to her.And it had helped her understand him and his behavior better.She doubted she’d ever understand completely.But what she really didn’t get was what changed between when he walked out and now, when he professed to love both Aria and Sophie?
“Why did you change your mind?What made you decide you could love Sophie and me?”
“I did nothing but think of you since I left you.I dated other women.Nice women.Pretty women.But I didn’t want them.None of them were you.”
“But you didn’t try to see me.You didn’t even call.”
“What would I have said?‘I miss you.I need you.Can you forgive me for being an idiot?’”
“Well, yeah.It would have been a start.But you didn’t.So what changed?”she asked again.
