I took a lick of mine. “Oh yes, way too sour. But I like the flavor combination.” I whipped out my little idea notebook and jotted down a reminder to increase the simple syrup in the recipe. “Here, try this one. Blueberry lavender.” I handed her another, gone slightly slushy at the edges.
“Gorgeous color.” Eve eyed her popsicle appraisingly. She took a bite. “So, are you going to see him?”
“No way. Not if I can help it,” I said firmly. I nibbled the top of my popsicle. I could taste the lavender, but it didn’t overpower the blueberries. And the brilliant purple color was eye-catching. “I think this one is a winner.” I made a note in my book to add this one to the rotation. “I have no desire to see his perfect family and perfect wife and perfect life, especially when I feel like I’m just getting back on my feet again. It would be excruciating and completely unhelpful. I’m doing my best to follow my bliss now, and Rory Shaw needs to stay where he belongs. In the past.”
45
“Thank you so much.Enjoy your Lolly’s Pops and be sure to visit again next week!” I smiled cheerfully at the two teenage girls and slid their order—blackberry-and-violet popsicles—through the delivery window. One week since the grand opening and the summer heat wave was still going strong. While Seattle wilted in the blazing sun, business was brisk for Lolly’s Pops. I’d enjoyed the rounds of the farmers markets all week, and now we were back in Magnolia again. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, and the thermometer was hovering around ninety. It was almost the end of the market, and I was tired and sweaty but happy.
I tucked a wisp of damp hair back into my ponytail and slicked on some tinted lip balm. Thank goodness the mint-green dotted Swiss sundress I was wearing was relatively lightweight. It was sweltering in the back of the truck. Almost time to close up. I glanced out the window. No one waiting in line. Taking advantage of the brief lull in customers to catch my breath, I opened the freezer nearest me and stuck my head inside, just for a second. Ahhh... deliciously cool and quiet.
So far Lolly’s Pops was a smash success, better than I could have imagined. The business was, as Eve had predicted, turning a good albeit fairly modest profit, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself every step of the way. I loved crafting the popsicles, and I loved interacting with customers and the happy buzz of the farmers markets. I felt a little giddy when I considered how well it was going. Maybe it was too early to tell, but I had the most delightful feeling that this was actually going to work. And the best part was that Lolly’s Pops was something I had chosen by myself, on my own initiative, with my own creative expression. It wasn’t Toast; it was better.
The realization was powerful, euphoric. I thought briefly of my seventh-grade journal, sitting in the back of my dresser drawer, and of those optimistic unicorns and the life goals list I’d spectacularly failed to accomplish. Well, not quite. I mouthed the points of the list into the coolness of the freezer, considering them in a different light.
1. Live in another country
I had spent a semester abroad in London, and while I’d planned on it being longer, I’d done it nonetheless. Those had been some of the happiest months of my life.
2. Own my own restaurant somewhere amazing
If you could consider a popsicle truck a restaurant, then yes, I was accomplishing that one right now. Plus, I had big plans for Lolly’s Pops if all went well. A fleet of Lolly’s Pops trucks for weddings and birthday parties and bat mitzvahs. Maybe a brick-and-mortar store with the same cute vintage vibe.
3. Fall in love
The list had not stipulated that there had to be a happy ending to that love story. I had fallen in love with Rory. For a time, I had been the happiest girl the in the world, adored by a good, strong, sweet man. Despite the pain and heartache and regret at how it ended, I would not trade loving him for anything. Maybe I would get the chance to love someone that way again someday. But if not, I was glad I’d loved Rory. I’d also fallen in love with our two little girls. I thought of Sophia and Freya, their dark and copper hair, Rory’s eyes and my chin. My heart still ached for them.
4. Have my family be happy together 4 ever
In a strange way this was coming true too. We could not control Mom’s early passing, but Dad had made great strides in therapy with Ramona coaxing him on. He seemed more relaxed than I’d ever seen him before, like he was truly starting to enjoy life again. He had just this week switched to a new home health aide, a kind woman from Ethiopia, so that he and Ramona could start seeing each other in a personal capacity. Last night he’d taken her to dinner and a movie in a theater. A real date!
And Daphne. Daphne was enjoying her course in Costa Rica and was starting a new life with Damien there. They were renting a tiny beach house painted bright orange and planned to stay, teaching yoga and scuba diving. In the photos she texted me she looked tanned and blissfully happy with her new hippie beach life.
For her part, Aunt Gert had been true to her word and decided that at the ripe old age of eighty she was too young to quit living. As soon as the Eatery closed and Dad’s health improved, she signed up to take a tour with a group of retired academics. The first trip was to the Smithsonian and United States Botanical Garden in Washington, DC, but she had more exotic destinations in her sights.
5. Get my own horse
I snorted at that one. Eve had been right. This would have been the easiest thing to accomplish on the list. I should have just bought a horse.
In a strange way, sitting there in the quiet coldness, I realized I had accomplished everything on that list (except for the horse, that is). Not a single goal had happened in the way I’d imagined, but I’d achieved them nonetheless. It was a surprising realization. Perhaps even more so was the revelation that came on the heels of that discovery.
At thirteen, when I’d penned them, those goals had been fresh and full of possibility. Now, at thirty-three, with my head stuck in a freezer, surrounded by the pretty frozen fruits of my labors, I realized I was done with lists. No more striving and feeling like a failure. No more trying to twist my life into the shape I thought it should be. No more items to tick off one by one. There was just this—my life as it was now.Be honest. Pay attention. Seek joy.These were my true goals now. I vowed then and there to be grateful for all I had been given. To try to bring joy to others and seek joy in my own life. And to try my best to follow my bliss every moment of every day for the rest of my life.
46
“Lolly?”
Still bent over the freezer, I stilled with my head right next to the coconut milk, ginger, and fresh pansy popsicles. I knew that voice. I recognized it in the marrow of my bones. Shivering from more than the chilly air, I lifted my head slowly and gazed straight into the warm, surprised brown eyes of Rory Shaw.
“Hi.” I cleared my throat, trying for lighthearted but landing more on stunned.
“Hi.” He gave me a quizzical look. “My mom told me she saw you here last week. She said something about flowers you can eat?” He glanced at my sign.
“Popsicles,” I clarified. “Bespoke, organic popsicles made with herbs and edible flowers. I grow them myself.” I sounded like an advertisement.Be cool, Lolly, I admonished internally.You can do this. I stood up and leaned slightly out the serving window, getting a good look at him.
My heart was pounding so hard I was sure he could hear it. He looked almost the same as he had that day in Florida—the same laugh lines and cinnamon stubble—a little younger even. His hair was a bitlonger, curling at the collar of his T-shirt. It suited him. He eyes looked sad, though. He seemed a little worn around the edges. Nancy had hinted it had been a hard year for Rory and his family. I wondered what had happened. Job loss perhaps? That would explain the move back to Seattle.
I gazed at him, and for a moment I was back in Florida, curled up in bed next to him, falling asleep to the steady rhythm of his breathing. We were kissing in the pool, the length of his body pressed against mine. I blinked, heat flaming in my cheeks. Whatever had happened, it was not in this life. In this life he was not mine. In this life I had lost him for good.
