He grimaces. “Please don’t talk about my mum being a smoke show.”
Irene clears her throat next to us and points at Nate. “Now, young man, your mother was a total smoke show, and your dad couldn’t do enough for her. He was a real gent, brought her flowers every week. Now, what can I get both of you?”
Nate smiles sweetly at her. “Could I please get the steak and cheese baguette with those seasoned fries that you do and a water? Hayleigh?”
There was a time when things were ordered for me, and I’m still getting used to doing this for myself. “Oh, erm. Please could I get the same, but a vanilla milkshake instead of water, if that’s okay?”
Irene’s smile is kind as she places a hand on my shoulder. “That’s not a problem. Won’t be long.”
I turn back to Nate, and he’s watching me. He nods towards where Irene left. “She has a knack for making people feel at home. Does she remind you of your grandmother?”
I bark out a laugh, then a snort. “God no, my grandmother was lovely, but she was a trophy wife. She couldn’t cook to save her life, and she had nannies raising her kids. Irene reminds me of my grandad. He was such a hard worker, and even when he made all his money, he somehow still found the time to do the little things.”
Nate’s brow furrows. “So, what turned your mother into a raging mega bitch?”
I’m laughing again. “Please never change, Nate. I like how straightforward you are. Erm, I don’t know is the short answer.”
“The long answer?”
I blow out a breath. “Wow. I don’t think we have enough time, but footnotes?” He nods once. “Well, she inherited her money when my grandad died, and she was hellbent on making more. To do that, she needed power and more people with power to help her.”
He nods slowly. “I get it now. So, how are you not like her?”
I shrug. “I always wanted more than a life of doing what people wanted to do, and for a while I believed I was fearless and strong headed, but it turns out I was weak and followed the rules like always.”
“There’s a difference between following rules and doing what you need to do to survive a situation.”
He’s right, I know he is, because it’s the same advice I gave Emmy when she faced Chad’s cruelty. Yet at the same time, I excused Pete’s behaviour as tiredness or stress from the wedding planning. So, I nod and smile because, although he’s right, I have no words that I can say that will make it all okay.
**********
I asked Nate to drop me off at the yoga studio twenty minutes ago, and I still haven’t gone inside. I met Daisy, the owner of the studio, three weeks ago at my friend Lacey’s pregnancy yoga class. When she first mentioned yoga, I joked that it would be some hippy bloke with long, shaggy hair, but it was actually a woman our age. We became fast friends, and honestly, I couldn’t be more grateful. Emmy has been my best friend for years. I met Lacey through her, and soon we became a trio, and now we have Daisy. Yet although I love my friends to death, I haven’t been able to talk to them properly.
All that changes now. I agreed to one of Daisy’s meditation sessions in the hopes it would help me heal a part of me that still hurts so much. I need to push the door open. It’s easy, take three steps, hold out your hand, grab the handle, turn it and push.
So why aren’t my fucking feet moving?
I want this. I wanthelp.
Like a shining beacon, Daisy’s silhouette appears through the frosted pane of glass in the door. She pulls it open, and her smiling face is on the other side.
“Are you going to loiter there all day, or are you coming in?”
I look up at the building as my fingers drum against the side of my thigh. Nerves swirl in my gut, but I know it’s time. My feet finally move forward, and before I know it, I’m standing in the yoga studio and to my surprise, we’re the only ones here.
Daisy sits on her mat and waits for me to join, her smile soft and reassuring. I unzip my coat, my hands shake, but I’m not cold. The zip gets stuck, and it takes a few tugs to rip it free. I rub my arms, but it doesn’t stop the shaking, the vibrating under my skin, and I worry I’m losing the plot.
Daisy nods to me. “That’s adrenaline. Your body is in fight or flight right now. Part of you wants this, but the other part wants to run. Is that about it?” I nod. Her smile is kind. “I get it. I’ve been where you are. Maybe not the same situation, but I’ve been so lost that I’ve not known which way to turn.” She rolls a bottle of water over to me, and I gladly grab it before opening it up and guzzling it down. She claps her hands once. “Okay, first things first. Take off your socks and cross your legs, then rest your hands on your knees.”
I do as I’m told, but I still don’t speak.
“Now, close your eyes.” I do. “We’re going to start by concentrating on our breathing. We’re going to breathe in through our noses for four seconds and then out through our mouths for four seconds. Ready?” I nod. “Okay, breathe in, two, three, four and out, two, three, four and in, two, three, four and out, two, three, four. That’s it, now carry on breathing that way.”
I focus on my breathing as the smell of lavender floats through the air, my eyes are still closed, and my body is almost weightless.
Daisy’s voice is soft. “That’s good, feel the sensation of your breathing and now we’re going to relax further into the meditation. Imagine your hands falling asleep; they become heavy as they sink. Now your arms, your torso, your legs and your feet. How do you feel?”
“Tired.”It’s more than that, isn’t it? You feel drained, like you want to sleep and never wake up.I squeeze my eyes tighter, trying to shut down that voice.
