Daisy chuckles. “Stay awake for me. Now, when you’re ready, I want you to think of a word, and this word is how you’re feeling right now, but only if you’re ready, Hayleigh.”
Am I ready? I’m tired of feeling so alone in all of this. I want to let my friends in.
“Trapped.” The words leave me in a whisper, my bottom lip trembles and I dig my nails into my palm to regain some control because this is the first time I’ve uttered them out loud.
“Now we’re going to come back. Slowly, you feel your fingers and toes regain life again, now your hands and feet. Your arms and your torso, and after your last count of breath, you can open your eyes.”
My eyes flutter open as the timer Daisy must have set goes off. I don’t meet her eyes because I’m not sure if I have to spill everything now or if what I said was enough.
Daisy shakes out of her arms and nods for me to do the same. “Okay, let’s try some breathing exercises now.”
Daisy guides me through some exercises, and I eventually start to relax a little more as the tension eases from my aching muscles.I’ve needed this for so long.
Trying to distract myself from everything, I clear my throat. “So, now that I’m all chilled, are you going to share something about a certain someone?”
I crack open an eye to find her rolling hers and fighting back a smile. “This isyoursession, not mine…Plus, I have nothing to say abouthim.”
Stifling a giggle, I say. “Oh, so there is ahimthen? I mean, there was some tension between you both during the boys' yoga session.”
Daisy shrugs, a serene smile on her face. “He’s too moody for me, a complete and utter grump. It would never work.”
Now I’m smiling. “Believe me, grumpy and sunshinealwayswork.”
Daisy laughs but changes the subject. “Yes, well, you did great for your first session. Do you want to come back?”
I smile at her, thankful for her giving me the choice. “I think I’d like to come back.”
Her smile is wide. “Great. I love introducing this to people who are new to it. It was honestly one of the best things I ever did for myself.”
I stand up and pace, my heart thumping wildly in my chest, because on one hand, talking to Daisy has been the best thing for me, but on the other, I don’t want to be a burden. I bite my nails before finally blurting out. “I feel trapped because I have no one I can talk to. I can’t tell Emmy how I truly feel because it was my fiancé who kidnapped her. How did I not know? How did I not see the signs? And I can’t talk to Lacey because she’s pregnant and dealing with the whole she’s in love with Cole thing. I don’t have the relationship I’d like with my younger sister, so I can’t tell her, and my mother practically hates everything about me, unless I’m doing what she wants. Then there’s Nate. He’s wonderful and a real friend, but how do I tell him that I’m so fucked inside I can’t stand messing him up too?”
Daisy sits cross-legged on the floor, watching me pace, utterly calm. “Hayleigh, I can’t answer any of that for you, and even if I could, it wouldn’t make a difference. Do you want to know why?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“You have to heal first. A lot of what you’re holding in is internalised. It isn’t what anyone else is thinking or feeling; we’re all here for you, but once you’re ready. You have to find what’sreallyhurting you inside, and until you do, you’re never going to move past this.”
I stop pacing. “Shit, Daisy. I thought you were going to tell me everything’s going to be okay?”
She holds out her hand, and I help her stand. “Sorry, Hayleigh, I may be sunshine and rainbows, but I definitely don’t blow smoke up people's backsides. You’re hurting, and that’s okay, but you’re not helping yourself. Take some time out, evaluate what you want and what’s getting to you. If it’s multiple things, then cross them all off your list as you go.”
“A list.” The realisation hits me like a freight train. I need to add everything to that list and tick it all off, then maybe I’ll be okay.
I know exactly the first thing I need to do.
While I wait for Nate outside of the yoga studio, I run my plan through my mind, promising Daisy that I’d come back next week. I’m nervous about what I’m going to do next, but it’s something that I’ll feel better with after I’ve done it.
Nate’s car comes around the corner, and my stomach erupts into flutters. I take a deep breath to calm down. When he pulls up, I hop in, and before my nerves get the better of me, I say. “Can you take me to my old house?”
He doesn’t question, he nods. “Sure. How was yoga? Sweaty?”
I giggle as he waggles his eyebrows, and I shake my head. “Don’t be a pig, Nate Peterson, or I’ll tell your mum.”
He places one hand over his heart and feigns shock. “I wouldneverbe a pig.”
I smile and settle in for the drive to my old house. Watching the scenery pass me by in a blur. Familiar streets flicker past,and as they do, my stomach starts to churn, then in no time at all, we arrive.
I look up at the darkened house, that’s what it is, a house and not a home. I don’t think it ever was a home.
