It’s only partly a lie.
Physically, I feel all right. Mentally, I’m a wreck.
ELLIE:
Aww no worries.
I’m letting her down, but this won’t be the only time I have to cancel on something. It’ll happen again and again and again.
Because I’m hit with the realization that, even on one of my better days, I’m not sure I can be the person I want to be for Ellie.
Chapter Forty-three
Ellie
After he canceledyesterday, I thought I might still get texts from Jackson, but he went quiet. Since today’s Thanksgiving, he’ll probably be busy with family. Does he know I’m totally open to low-key days? Yesterday I could’ve driven over to hang out at his house or something.
Shay waves through my open bedroom door. She has an apron on and looks delighted but frazzled. “Come help with the turkey! We’ve got so much food to figure out.”
I finish doing my hair and makeup and join her in the kitchen.
It’s my first holiday at the Deaf house, which feels easier than celebrating at home. No expectations. As a joke, we cut out hand-shape turkeys that we fold into letters, spelling our names and other funny words to decorate with. I text a picture to Jackson of one of our more juvenile ones.P-o-o-p.I cackle just sending it.
ELLIE:
Totally super grown-up celebration over here. How’s your day going?
Kayla drove back to her parents’ yesterday, so it’s Shay, Izzy, Alex, and me, which is still a few more people than this tiny kitchen can handle, but it’s hectic and homey in the best possible way. Under different circumstances, having a big dinner celebration at the Deaf house would’ve been an amazing time.
But I’m getting a weird vibe about Jackson, so I’m in too much of a funk to enjoy it.
“He still hasn’t replied?” Alex asks, signing one-handed as she stirs some chunky applesauce.
“No,” I sign. “You don’t think he’s somehow jealous about the party? I felt bad he wasn’t able to go.”
“You said he was really sweet about it.”
“Yeah, he was.”
“He’s had a lot going on,” Izzy signs, before reaching into the fridge for the bottle of cider. She opens it and fills Alex’s glass. “He’s just overwhelmed by everything. I’m sure it’s all fine.”
“The way Jackson looks at you, he so loves you,” Alex chimes in. “He rented an entire movie theater for you!”
All I can think about, though, is how upset he was the other night. I think I helped, but I’m no expert by any means. Jackson probably needs to talk to someone who understands more about what he’s going through.
I need him to know that I’m here no matter what.
Chapter Forty-four
Jackson
We’re hosting Thanksgivingagain this year. I have an hour to get myself together before the family comes over. There’s no way I want to make small talk today, especially since it’s the first gathering since my diagnosis, where I’ll be expected to rehash everything to each individual relative. I’m fatigued and miserable, hiding in my room, and so far, my parents haven’t told me to come downstairs. I’ll stay here as long as I can.
I also keep berating myself for falling for Ellie. She made it clear from the beginning that she felt everything about being at Amber was temporary. Whether she realized it or not, that should include me, too.
But she’s been so helpful.
On the other hand, to be honest, communication isn’t flawless. How much is she really hearing when I talk? And I’m stuck at the bottom of a huge, difficult-to-scale mountain when it comes to trying to master ASL.
