“I wish I could, but—I can’t.”
My voice momentarily fails me, so I just nod, eyes welling as she turns and walks away.
“Nomi, please don’t go yet,” I say to her back, running to catch up. “I know I fucked everything up, but I want to fix things between us.” She looks so small and forlorn before me, so badly in need of someone to care for her the way she cares for everyone else. I bite my lips in, then blurt, “Come to Philly with me.”
“What?” She blinks.
“Move in with me, and I’ll handle everything. We’ll get you out of the building lease, and you won’t have to pay rent or any bills while you get your life back on track. We can make new dreams together, Nomi, just like we did in high school.” I grasp both of her small, cool hands in mine. “You could even go back to pharmacy school if you wanted—I’d support you through everything.”
“Pharmacy school?” Color rises high on her cheekbones, her eyes clouding with suspicion. “What are you talking about?”
“You have options, Nomi. The dispensary didn’t work out, but there are so many other things you can do with your life. You’re brilliant and capable and ambitious.” My voice is pleading, begging for her to understand just how much I want to be there for her. “Let me help you figure out what’s next.
A long second passes, the church lawn emptying around us as guests head to the reception in Aunt Edna’s honor.
“You don’t want to help me—you want tofix me.” She pulls her hands from mine. “You want to turn me into some respectable version of myself you can bring to donor dinners for Philly Gen, someone worthy enough to be on your arm, who’ll fit perfectly into your life in Philadelphia.”
“No! I don’t want that! It’s just—Jesus, would it be so bad if you took a beat and explored another path?” I run my hands through hair, frustrated. “Or does it have to be weed?”
Nomi huffs out a small, angry laugh. “You know, I thought you finally saw me for who I am. But after all this time, you still likeherbest, don’t you? Nomi the valedictorian, the one who was Ivy-league-bound with a bright future. You wish I was her.” Nomi blinks, her eyes filling with tears. “But that Nomi doesn’t exist anymore, and that’s how I like it! I don’t want my worth to hinge on how prestigious my job is. I want to be loved as I am, because I exist, because I have inherent value as a human being! Not because I went tofucking Yale!”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all!” I splutter. “I just don’t want to watch you self-destruct and waste away in Sparrow Nook when there’s so much else you can be doing with your life!”
Nomi’s eyes widen, and she takes a step back. “You think I’m like your dad, don’t you? Wasting my life here, smoking weed all day in my proverbial garage? Well, you don’t need to rescue me, Julian. I’m doing fine on my own!”
“Oh, sure, you’re doing so great, refusing to even consider another future for yourself while ignoring your own health!” I’m yelling now, my frustration tipping over into real anger.
Her mouth parts, forming a shockedO. “What are you talking about?”
With great effort, I force myself to breathe. “I saw your bloodwork, Nomi.”
“You looked at my medical records?” The hurt on her face is quickly swallowed by rage. “After I expressly told you not to, you—you didn’t listen?”
“I didn’t look on purpose! Because I ordered the bloodwork, it came to me first. The lab flagged it urgent because of the findings, and I reviewed it before I realized who it was for.” I swallow back the anxiety clenching my throat. “I didn’t look at anything else, Nomi, I promise, so I still don’t know what you’re facing. Just please, let me help you. You’resick.” My voice cracks on the last word. “Your inflammatory markers are very high, and several values are significantly abnormal—”
Nomi’s eyes squeeze shut. “I can’t believe you didn’t listen to me.”
“Well, I can’t believeyou, Nomi!” I bite my lips in, a barely contained hurricane of feeling thrashing inside of me. “Were you ever going to tell me?”
A dent forms between her brows. “We’ve only been seeing each other for a month—”
“We’ve known each other foryears. I knew something was wrong—I’ve asked you over and over again if you’re okay, but you lied to me! How bad is it, Nomi? You’ve been losing weight, barely eating, and you were obviously in pain at the zoning hearing. Does Dr. Appa know how bad it’s gotten? Does anybody?”
“Stop! Juststop!” Nomi’s hands shake in front of her face as if she can brush this entire conversation away. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you! You’re not my doctor, Julian. My health is not your concern!”
“You were never going to tell me.” I blink at her, reading the panic on her face, feeling it sink like a heavy stone to the depths of my stomach.“I’m inlovewith you, and this whole time, you’ve just been waiting for me to leave.”
“You can’t be in love with me, Julian!” Nomi rears back. “That’s ridiculous!”
“Well, guess what? I am!” I throw my hands in the air. “I’m fucking ridiculous, okay? I’m intense and obnoxious, and I’m fucking ridiculously, intensely,obnoxiouslyin love with you, so get over it!”
“Jesus, Julian, it hasn’t even been a whole month!”
I swallow the knot in my throat, but it keeps bobbing back up. “I’ve known since senior year.”
“Oh, come on, that’s not true,” Nomi says, her voice scoffing and tinged with tears.
“Just because you look at me and see some pathetic try-hard you mess around with every fifteen years until you feel like disappearing on me doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Nomi.”
