I run my hand through my hair a final time, not caring that my neatly arranged curls are sloppy and wild now, or that my shoes are dusty from pacing across this dead lawn.
“It just means I’m a loser you don’t love back.”
JULIAN
There’s weed at Edna’s Big Party, and it has my name on it. Aunt Edna left me her stash box with a note that says:For Julian and hisfollowed by a picture of a star. Not a five-pointed classic, but the easy kind that’s just intersecting lines. I stare at it for too long, dead-eyed and stuporous, until Mom looks over my shoulder. “That’s supposed to be your butthole, sweetie.”
“Oh.” Aunt Edna got one last crack at me, after all. I poke through the box’s many compartments, inspecting all the jars and tinctures labeled in Nomi’s tiny, precise handwriting because it’s easier than talking tofamily right now. One tray holds ten perfectly rolled joints, its label reading: PartyTime!I run my finger over them and sigh miserably.
Mom nudges me with her shoulder. “Want to get high with your ma?”
I close my red, swollen eyes, face crumpling inward from zero provocation.
“Oh, Julie. Let’s go.” Mom gently tugs me upward until I stand, head stooped to hide the tears streaming down my face. She leads me onto Aunt Edna’s back porch and the bench swing. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything.Everything is wrong.”
She smiles, then produces one of Edna’s joints, lights it, and inhales from it gracefully. “My God, you sound like Grandpa Fabrizio. So dramatic. Please elaborate.” She passes me the joint, and after staring at it for a long second, I accept it.
“I told Nomi I’m in love with her.” I take a deep drag off the joint and spend the next two minutes coughing.
Mom pats my back. “Oh, Julie! I’m so happy for you.”
“Don’t be. She didn’t say it back, and we had a huge fight.”
“Well, it’s only been what… a month? Two?” Mom chuckles, takes another big hit. “You D’Angelo men—you’re so passionate. When you love, you love with your whole being. That’s a lot for a woman. Give her time, Nomi’s a smart girl. She’ll see what an amazing partner you’ll be.” Mom passes back the joint. “That’s how it went between me and your dad, anyway.” She snorts. “He told me he loved me on the second date.”
After a second, I lean my head on Mom’s shoulder. “Nomi’s very sick. I’m worried.”
“She finally told you? That’s a good sign. She doesn’t tell almost anyone.”
“No,” I admit. “I saw her bloodwork and confronted her about it.”
“Oh, Julie.” Mom shakes her head and relights the joint. “That was stupid.”
I glance up. “Well, how did you know?”
“Her mother and I talk. It’s hard raising stubborn geniuses who love to argue. We commiserate.”
“But why wouldn’t Nomi tell me, Mom? I’ve tried so hard to become someone she can trust—”
“By looking at her medical records?” Mom arches an eyebrow at me.
“It was an accident!”
“She probably didn’t tell you for the same reason your dad preferred to stay home. It’s hard carrying that kind of pain around, for both the person who’s in pain, and the people who witness it. It naturally isolates you. Makes you feel like a burden to those who love you.” Mom sighs. “Nomi’s barely dated anyone, you know.”
“You mean lately?”
“I meanever. Her mom worries about how lonely she is, but Nomi’s always been too scared to put herself out there. Untilyou.” Mom eyes me meaningfully. “Cut her some slack. Trusting someone with her illness is new to her, and a very big deal.”
“I acted like a complete asshole about it.” I run my palms down my face.
“Another trait you get from your father.” Mom smiles. “Listen, all you can do is own up to how you acted, apologize, and learn what being there for Nomi looks like. You don’t get to be the boss of her body or her health. Loving someone doesn’t work that way. Hell, being someone’sdoctordoesn’t work that way. You can’t make her get better. But you can learn how to make her feel less alone and how to be there for her as a partner.” Mom leans back on the swing. “If you do all that in a pair of short shorts, you’ll be set, honey.”
“Mom.”
“That’s why God gave the D’Angelo men great thighs. It’s how you get by for having such impetuous personalities and tight little buttholesto match. Aunt Edna left you Uncle Joseph’s entire summer wardrobe, by the way.”
